Morning

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In the stillness of the morning

Soul bird awakes

Soft and gentle cooling glow

Penetrates the Earth

Breathing skin drinks in the magic

Of the gentle touch

Of the morning Sun and dew

Slithering on us

Arms are stretched and neck is risen

To the clouds high

Feeling strokes of the spirit

In the master Sun

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Frozen. Mindful healing in nature 

 
Frozen in the Earth plane consciousness has been my state since yesterday.

Whenever we come up against obstacles and limitations in our daily reality our mind comes forward with thought processes that are not helpful. It manifests in a way of blocking some feelings and often awakening fear and anger.

This morning all I wanted to do was to hide in bed and not see the light of day. I had no feeling in the body and no  sense of smell. My breath was hardly noticeable and I couldn’t  cry. I was frozen.

I forced myself to go for a walk into my woods. Forcing is unusual for me, but here it felt necessary. I noticed as I walked that I had no desire to get in touch with anything around me. I  didn’t want to reach out and touch tree branches or leaves, as I would do normally. I also couldn’t smell anything literally. In terms of vision all I saw was the path in front of me and I said to myself ‘the same old, the same old’. I heard birds singing, but it didn’t reach my senses, had no effect on me. My spirit was saddened, I felt deeply lost, abandoned and empty.

In the moment I decided to surrender to nature and ask it to do to me whatever needed doing. I was seeking mindful awakening. I sat down on a fallen tree and waited. I was set on letting the elements do to me what they would.

For a while I was very still and frozen, nothing happened. My sadness spread within yet no tears came and I decided to walk. I took off my hat and this was something I always did in the woods. My crown chakra and my hair and ears needed to be uncovered. I couldn’t hear or receive much otherwise. When I reached water things began to shift.

I realised that in order for me to ‘unfreeze’ all elements needed to be present around me in order to tap into internal elements. I noticed the Sun giving a comforting glow to my aura through the branches. Woods around me spoke to me of home and belonging,  air renewed my breath, water encouraged movement and flow and the whole forest projected unconditional love towards my being.

I gasped for air and filled my lungs and instantly energised I began to pick up pace and walked with more confidence. I now heard birds around reassuring me about the right path I was on. I started to feel my legs stronger underneath me and I became more aware of my physical body.

Birds flew about their business communicating with one another and I wondered what their life was like. The birdsong was divine in nature and they were forever present in its flow engaging it whenever they needed.

Another tool that is helpful when needing to reawaken senses is getting out of breath. Yes, makes sense, right. One of the reasons exercise is recommended for low mood amongst other complaints. I climbed a hill and got out of breath and instantly felt alive and energetic again within my body. I began to touch trees as I walked, connecting.

Trees have buzzing energy to me like stones do, but softer, flesher due to their connection to the earth. I feel their roots deep in the warm muddy womb.

I was called to expand and kept on walking covering a wider area of the woods.
Tree – standing tall, be flexible release tension I leaned against its reassuring posture. It has access to all, moist earth, clean air, water at all times from above or below and the sun glow of fire. How lucky I think. In parallel we also have access to all elements whenever we need it. The difference is that trees don’t question it, they are just in whatever is present unlike humans who fight and freeze and blow and fly away in all our defences. Nature mirrors back the perfect unity of just being.

As I stood against a tree I became aware of the scent in the air, it penetrated me. My breath deepened and as it usually did my awareness sharpened to all things around me. Feeling returned to my legs and I felt strong once again. My walk also awakened nice memories of spring in Oxford with air so fresh and cherry blossoms everywhere. I also remembered a day out by the sea with my boys in Brighton. Sea air and walking on the beach scattered with beautiful stones and shells.

I become curious whether it was a certain place that my memories were asking me to revisit, or was it simply memories coming alive as reminders of my life experiences.

Feeling much stronger, focused and aware of all my senses I walked back home. Ice melted, feeling returned and balance was restored.

Transitioning into the ‘homeland’

homeland

Do you notice or aware of things, places and people that feel like home? I think ‘home’ is such a unique signature that aligns fully with what the universe and spirit wishes for us to go back to, find our way to. It is delicious, comfortable, beautiful, cosy, warm and very light in its essence. It is pure content within and without. Many would resonate, I am sure, with that feeling of arriving, finally fitting into a paradigm that your soul came from and wants to reunite with.

For many people it is different things. Cities, big and small, market towns, countryside wild and wonderful, village life and close community, jungle, tropics, cold winters and high mountains, lakes and lush forests, open spaces, desserts and very hot temperatures. So, what is one to do when one is called to join the land, to merge with the signature they recognise as ‘home’? This process, I found, for myself reminds and often coincides with a spiritual awakening when something suddenly happens and even though you are thrown into a space of uncertainty and fear, you also know that you must go, you must take that jump into the unknown, as there is no other way. Often this comes uninvited and unexpected and can throw things up in the air for you to consider asking you for sacrifices and compromises that you were not prepared for. What is one to do? If you resist that call, will you regret it, will you always look back on it as an opportunity lost?

Feelings is what is important to observe here again, our best compass, navigational system, which informs us where we are and where we want to be. Feelings will answer many questions.

I find myself in a position where I know where I am meant to be, but I am not able to be there, not full-time anyway and not just yet, but what I find more and more is my heart-ache for the land is becoming more intense and more unbearable with tears coming in instantly when I think about not being there. This is exactly the same feeling when I get in touch with my 5th dimensional self. I first encountered and was shown myself in that level of consciousness about a year ago and it is the most incredible feeling I have been unable to describe. I am finding a way to be with the feeling having faith that one day I will merge into the land with all circumstances aligning for me to be able to do that.

Qualities of the Earth element is needed during the period of this sharp awareness and inability to complete the transition at this point. Patience, focus, doing things, which will facilitate the move. Water element is crucial, as it holds the vibration of all of our feelings in the moment. We are required to feel our way through any period of transition or merging. It is there to cleanse and purify our blocks and wounds that might be holding us back. Through tears we release tension and allow the flow to take us places of comfort and knowing. Air element is full of ideas and plans and a creative force of all the possibilities that might lie ahead. It is an exciting element that is great at making connections from within with our external reality. Fire is truly transformative, as it will ask action and decision-making of us with enthusiasm and passion.

Life is a wonder and we are all walking towards the merging with the spirit be it moving to a land that calls you and holds gifts for the development or taking up an occupation, which serves your life purpose or both. Whatever we are meant to be and wherever we are meant to end up is pre-destined, I believe, and the spirit will guide us through our paths towards what is needed for our ultimate transformation.

It is worth stopping for a minute and ask whether moments of craving for something or somewhere are present within you. This process really asks for us to be with ourselves on every level and explore every emotion we feel. If someone pulls you in or a place that is constantly on your mind never leaves your senses it is worth investigating further. What is its purpose? How does it feel? Are you able to ignore it and move on easily or is it something that keeps coming back? If you know, you will know and if you are unable to move into that any time soon, keep it in your heart and your awareness as a precious gift of love from the universe.

Be alert, wonder, observant and ready to be hit by something wonderful such as a sign that your land is waiting for you and your soul is in need to serve, to be free and to fly in joy towards the higher purpose.

Befriending the beast within – shadow work

shadow work

At times it feels like a rising shadow within will threaten your survival. It feels overwhelmingly painful and terrifying. I often either leave my body or become numb and disorientated.

Shadow has many layers. Just when  we think we worked through some dark material and looked in the darkest corner of the psyche and it begins to feel more integrated and less petrifying, more layers get revealed and we are faced with yet another challenge of going through the thick muddy terrain thinking we won’t make it this time for sure. 

As last year was all about re-connecting deeply to love on all levels, this year seems to be about going even deeper into past wounds. For me it is bereavement and ‘mother’ wound that demands my attention at the moment. I find myself learning to navigate murky waters of my darker side, the storm wanting to swallow me up again.

I am in a dark place facing a monster. I feel young and vulnerable unable to look at it and all too tempted to abandon myself and split from my body leaving nothing but an empty shell. Shadow clings onto my skin, strangling me up in its powerful grip. I am afraid to scream or run and I freeze. It blows fire onto my face, roars like a raging beast. What shadow needs is love, attention, compassion and understanding. I have come to understand its purpose. It often presents itself in moments I am most vulnerable. Those moments coincide often in me and many other women with days close to the moon cycle peak. Senses are sharp, intuition is tangible and the body feels fluid and fragile. It seems impossible to be able to fight anything at that time and that’s when it strikes with its open jaws of anger and pain, in your face, in your soul, stabbing the open wound that continues to bleed.

I raise my hand and turn towards it seeking to pacify the beast and staying in my power of love towards myself. I kneel on the Earth and put my hands together in a prayer gesture then stretching my arms towards the sky in the presence of the beast. It watches curiously and lies beside me continuing to grumble and showing teeth. It smells of Earth and I feel its cold, wet skin brushing against my side. My whole being shivers. It feels like myself whenever I am holding on to pain, fear and anger. I recognise it, it is a familiar friend and a foe, always a companion, always present. Turning towards the beast I wrap my arms around its neck with unconditional acceptance and understanding. I surrender to the love that is within me and I rock the beast gently into a sleep till it is contented and lies its head on my lap. I witness its magnificence in its size, bright colours of deep purple and green. I closely inspect intricate shapes on its back, powerful tail and warm breathe within its body. It is safe in love, it is accepted in my arms fully.

Crying in the soul 

  
What is the use of the heart that is weighed down with screeching demons

Hush hush I say

But it doesn’t soothe

All fine I say

Oh how can it be
The waves of grief

The screams of guilt

Do not match the lushness

Of spacious peace
Be gone I say

It stays

Like an eternal thorn grown into the wound

Deeper and deeper

Till it is pierced forever with the ache of loss
It doesn’t cry

It quietly bleeds again and again

The air fills it with sweetness touches sometime

But it passes like the wind kisses the tree tops momentous, fleeting, whimsical
Surrender you say

I will die if I do but if I don’t, I die too

Two different ends, perhaps, the agony is less when sitting still in the witnessing of your own heart’s crying
Cry I say

No no

If I do I melt into nothingness that is not sweet

Cry I say cry and welcome solutio of the spirit washing over your wounded soul
I sit I stare I cry I wale

I pause with no breath

I see with no seeing

I hear not of the world but of my own soul trapped like a bird in a cage

I surrender I am tired I let it wash all over I don’t speak harshly to myself or the wound 
What stirs is the flow of something else

Hope, perhaps

Light, perhaps

It’s cloudy, but there

Out of focus, but felt ever so faintly
Perhaps, I say, perhaps…

The wind, Air element and emotions 

  
  
The wind, Air element and emotions

It’s creative, bright, quick and relational. Good at making connections and creating ideas, more and more ideas in one place and then another and another. Goes on and on round and round and back again. Nothing is ever solid or in matter. It’s all in the Air, up high and clear. A bigger picture that is hard to break into pieces, it’s all expansive and enthusiastic at bringing the energy of movement. Dizzy, foggy, cloudy like but also cool and clear-felt, intellect coherent yet up and up. It’s a long way down, like a bird, but a bird can come down, so must Air qualities manifest in Earth. Ideas, projects, plans and directions one by one with the Earth assistance get manifested. As above so is below, one needs the other. The Wind and human psyche 
I reap through the layers of what’s yet to be felt like the body of a tree swaying in the storm so does my body aches with whistling holes of my being
Empty pockets get filled up with chills of the wind, 

The force cuts through flesh making old wounds bleed 

The whole body taken over by an emotional dance with hands swaying and limbs shaking, skin in desperation seeks to protect what’s within.

Eyes can’t see, mouth can’t speak, the psychic powers of hair get activated but fly out of control and all one wants to do is wrap yourself up into a safe hold, a warm ball of primal feeling of being in the womb.

Unfolding occurs when standing tall against the challenging element, facing it head on with the heart wide open and all exposed flesh full of knowledge and experience what’s been, done, gone, wounded, obliterated, empty and also solid. 

Fold and unfold, expand and contract. Life is one big dance with the wind that threatens exposure of what’s not to be seen and liberates us of any stuckness at the same time. 

  

Imbolc 2016 – Crone/Maiden exchange

Today is Imbolc. Celebration of light, poetry, creativity, home, feminine energy, first signs of spring. Nature is beautiful when the Earth is beginning to move around yet it is still sleepy and stretching covered with seasonal blankets. Imbolc is the festival that I FEEL most of all. It is a feeling more than anything else for me.

maiden
Maiden Goddess waking up – Imbolc

I saw the Crone and the Maiden today, both energies flowing through me interchanging and communicating with each other. I take on one and then the other as I begin my journey towards the woodland. I was called to visit a different place and I listen carefully in which direction I need to go. A small village comes to my awareness and fond memories come back to me of that place, which I used to really love and every time driving past I wished I could live there one day. It came back today and the woods surrounding the village called me. Without hesitation I took off in that direction feeling rather mischievous and playful. Driving I began to sing out loud some Celtic songs feeling very young within myself. Maiden energy very present.

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My woodland walk this morning was full of energy. I felt my hair going wild with receiving so much around me and I was unable to sit still and meditate. There were so many things trying to talk to me, birds, tress, Earth – very busy. Life is definitely coming back into the sacred woods. It is cold or fresh, as I like to call it, which is invigorating to all the senses. I am aware of how much I love the chill in the air and wind on my face and in my hair. I take a few deep breaths and continue off the path deeper into the woods. 

My grandmother comes to me first and I am instantly taken back to when I was a young lady growing up in Siberia taking walks in the woods in very cold mid-winter weather with razor sharp winds for company and frost on my eyelashes. I was taken into that space and time, as if it happened only yesterday. Not only it connected me to my grandmother, who lived nearby, but to the fact that I took these walks for a long time now whenever I needed to connect to the Earth, connect to myself. It is a beautiful synchronicity that these woods welcomed me with pine trees mirroring perfectly that time in a place I was born. Pines are very soft to me, they are strong, calm and gentle. I feel very much at peace with myself and protected when in the pine forest and of course, its wonderful smell, which I love.

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As I continue my ‘feminine’ feeling increases and I walk into the ‘Army of Ladies’ – whoa. This is the only description I can give this spot. It is strong, but vulnerable, a little scared and cautious and almost prepared to fight should anyone threaten its safety. I never came across anything like this and had to stop for some time holding on to one of the Ladies to see what comes. As I stand still I feel a bit uneasy with rather over protective sort of grip this place has and then the Sun comes in – the male energy, and its warmth brings reassurance and balance to the place. It makes me think just how necessary elemental balance really is in our lives, in our surroundings/environment and how different a place may feel when one or more elements are missing. It always makes me think of a desert, which is the most unpleasant landscape to my senses as it is so unbalanced elementally to me. Constant heat is suffocating to me.

I literally felt the tree relaxing in my embrace and stretching towards the Sun calling on her sisters to do the same.  Beautiful experience.

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Female Army

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The Sun comes in

The Lady/Goddess archetype remains strong with me for the rest of my very ‘female/Goddess’ walk and I am feeling very much again in my Maiden energy, but aware of the Crone not far behind. She appears irritated, grumpy even one minute and the next she sends out energy of protection and a close relationship to the Maiden. The Crone watches over her, but she tolerates no foolishness, or too much of it anyway. I feel, as I collect pine branches and cones and go off the path even more into hidden places in the depth of pines, The Crone’s steps are getting heavier, as she tries to follow me with a grumpy sort of posture and annoyance in her voice. The next thing I know I am slapped in the face with a branch and ouch… On reflection it makes me laugh and embrace the Crone with her holding me tight. Oh, I love her wisdom, warmth and necessary harshness sometimes. She literally ‘slapped’ me into action, into focusing on what I need to do, on ‘waking’ up and going steady on the path on guiding the Earth, as she continues to stir into growth. Oh, we laughed and laughed and left the woods together. The Crone handed over to the Maiden and the Wheel turns again.

Blessed Imbolc!

baba yaga and vasilisa the beautiful
Baba Yaga and Vasilisa The Crone and the Maiden