Back to yourself. The journey of 2016 so far 

This year many are digging deep into wounds that had lied buried in the unconscious for many years. Some are so deep that when asked our only response is ‘I don’t remember much of my childhood’. This is very common and no wonder. Pain we endured emotionally left many of us numb, avoiding, in a state of shock or dissociation and generally just coping. Humans are good at coping. However, it transpires that underneath all those layers of grief, pain, loneliness, dependency, addiction and pain lies a light, a divine light of our Divine child. What happened to it? Why have we given up on it? Were we ever aware of our own inner beauty, purity and joy?

If you cast your memory back do you remember being carefree, super creative and inquisitive with no sense of time?

All I remember is being alone, in what seems to be constant emotional pain, fear. Controlled, punished, blamed, shamed, criticised, undervalued, a nuisance, not good enough, silenced and ignored. Does any of those come to mind? What are we to do about it?

We must become aware and be completely honest about all our feelings. What we feel in the present when we react, get upset or feel panicked is a mirror to that original primal wound of our childhood. All we feel now we began to feel long ago, we learnt long ago to be a certain way. Waste. Souls shattered and fragmented into parts missing, split and lost. Spirit dimmed to a degree we have no concept of trust, what it’s like to feel joy or be in a relationship where there is unconditional love and acceptance. We cope.
This year we are faced with the universe making the way for us to begin our journey back to ourselves if we haven’t yet started and if we have the rhythm and speed is increased in a way of clearing our blocks towards our own light.

My year began with grief, my primary emotional wound of separation and loss. My childhood ended at five and I remember the moment in my body when I knew this was the end. There was no one to see me or hear me, no point asking for help no one would come. I became invisible and turned into a defended, frozen mute being stripped of joy and playfulness. Grief turned into a physical condition which scared the hell out of me and made me really look at how things manifest when left unattended. Self-love was needed, attention needed to be turned towards my emotions, not away from them. My inner child threw in the towel as continual denial of love and attention persisted with every attempt to reconnect. Hopeless and alone.

When on a spiritual pilgrimage this summer I failed to connect with spirit instead fear and anger was present with mood swings and desperation for freedom. It was a hard lesson in staying present with myself first and foremost instead of seeking to escape. One of my coping mechanisms abandoned me and it was brutal. I was required to stay firmly on earth sorting out the mess created many years ago by people who meant to caretake me. I understood well. I heard it loud and clear and embraced my state of brokenness knowing there was no other way than to dive deep into the dark cave of my primary wounding.

It has been a journey and I continue on a rollercoaster presented to me this year, but there’s now hope, light and more awareness that I know will guide me to places I need to visit within myself. I was allowed to practice my earth based spirituality, work with the land, engage in cooking and creativity. I was allowed to keep that practice having been told it would indeed keep me grounded and present. That came as a relief and a confirmation of my path being truly beneficial to my emotional healing. I feel blessed and hopeful and less fearful in the world that promises many challenges and struggles. I can do it though and we all can. Whatever it takes we will dig the light from within ourselves and meet our Divine child once again keeping it close this time forever safe and present.

Blessings!

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Growing up in a straight jacket

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In a straight jacket, gagged and tied to a chair. This memory of how I felt came up several times in the last few days, in fact, many emotional memories are beginning to surface one after another in the hope of being integrated. I have to be careful not to get overwhelmed by it. My awareness became acutely sharp to any feeling coming up in my body when I easily and quickly and directly associate it with a particular emotion or attitude, which I had felt before or learnt to do before. This is equally scary and liberating at the same time, just hope I can handle it at this fast pace.

Straight jacket restricts my movements completely. Not able to speak, cry, scream produces an effect of hopelessness and a frozen state in the body. I am gagged. When you are tied up to something while already in a straight jacket you know you are not going anywhere and that’s where fear comes in because of feeling completely defenceless and not knowing what will be coming next. This feels about right in terms of how I felt throughout my childhood. Granted I would never have imagined it being so traumatic if I didn’t take a path towards integration and healing five or six years ago now. It has been a process of unfolding, but I feel so far it has been circling on the surface and only now I am realising the depth of my despair and effects of traumatic emotions, events and experiences.

Many people say they don’t remember their childhood. Many of my clients brought that ‘not remembering’ state into the therapy room. It is an empty energy like a screen wiped clean, yet it is still dirty somehow. When this vibration of not remembering comes into a room there is a sense of fear and suspension in the air, ungrounded, not solidified, unpleasant. It is not surprising that this happens due to past trauma and forgetting is one way of coping with difficult emotions and events that had occurred in early childhood. It doesn’t mean a person doesn’t remember, it means they chose to forget in order to survive, but they do remember, their body remembers. It doesn’t go away, just gets supressed deep in our unconscious. Hence, working with the body often unveils a trauma and it can be a way into connecting emotions with experiences and memories of the past.

What has been coming to me in the last day or so, due to an overwhelming number of memories flooding in, is to sit down and do a timeline. It is an therapeutic tool where an individual maps out any important events in their life beginning from birth up until present moment. This brings awareness to any ‘stuck’ or suppressed feelings and awakens associations with certain events,  building up links with the present moment. This work should be done with careful guidance and unconditional presence of a professional, as feelings that come up are often powerful and must be carefully held and contained, so a person feels safe and comfortable being around difficult material.

I am going to do this myself and see how it transpires. So far I have delved into memories to do with my father primarily, but my mother also came up a couple of times. Different feelings are associated with one or the other parent usually, e.g. supressed anger – my mother, abandonment and fear – my father, grief is an overall feeling that seems to taint all of my traumas throughout my life and today I discovered that my grief is of yellow colour, which would explain my attachment to yellow flowers and subsequently my attachment to pain and suffering. The process is unfolding fast and I felt it would be useful for me to write parts of it down on my blog in the hope it might help others as well as myself to be able to keep an order or a storyline to it in one way or another. Breaking it down into manageable chunks, i.e. small blog posts also clears it out of my head, so I can continue getting on with my daily life. Writing is a powerful tool I have always used in my life and I highly recommend it to all my clients and people I know.

Much love

Parenting with inner child in distress

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It occurred to me a while back through self-awareness and deeper knowing just how difficult it is to parent when your own inner child is screaming in pain and distress. Makes perfect sense. That deeper knowing within me was present since the age of ten due to my childhood ending very early, at around five. By the time I was ten I knew as clear as day that I did not want to have any children. I was aware of the wounds within myself and I knew that taking on a responsibility of looking after a child could not work for me considering my own child was in so much distress. This was clear as day to me for as long as I remember, so when a child manifested in my life (and what a magical child he is), all my dreams and nightmares at the same time came true. Everything I knew deep down to be true turned out to be true. I found parenting very hard and what made it even harder was my constant awareness of what actually went on inside my child’s mind, body and soul and me not always being able to do anything about it due to the fact that my own inner child displayed raw and bloody wounds most of the time. It was like a competition and a tug of war between my inner child and my actual child. They both had needs, which required my attention.

So, if you find yourself struggling, here is my advice based on observations, self-awareness, years of personal work, psychology and psychotherapy professional training, being an intuitive and empathic, being a parent and a woman with a deeply wounded inner child:

  • Become aware of your own pain, see the pain of your own inner child as it is and for what it is. What do you still feel to this day? What triggers you the most and transports you back to that child place in an instant?
  • Do NOT beat yourself up about things going wrong in your life with your actual child. You are doing your best with the highest awareness possible. No one is perfect and it is a difficult long road to integration. Exercise self-love and compassion
  • Watch your projections and reactions. Pull back into yourself and explore what is happening in the moment and reflect back on certain reactions and behaviours 
  • BE with your actual child and your inner child as much as possible
  • Do not punish or persecute yourself for feeling hopeless and incapable. It is a learning process
  • Ask for help, do not push through something that is very difficult
  • Do not abandon yourself when YOU feel lost and helpless. Pause, make space and time for you. No excuses. Very important
  • Find someone, who understands or goes through the same cycle on a daily basis
  • Talk to your child as much as possible, allow the space for their emotions and expression. VERY important! If you do nothing else, just do this one thing.
  • Play with your child and if you can’t then find someone who can give that outlet to them and simply observe. You might have forgotten how to play and need to learn and allow your inner child to play 
  • Forgive yourself for manifesting what seems like an emotional suicide, don’t punish yourself. Look at it as a learning for the higher purpose. You are healing and learning through your actual child. They are the best teachers 
  • Be honest with yourself, never pretend or hide how you really feel, which makes things worse and puts the process of growth back
  • See the miracle in it, the sacred nature of your child. They are precious gifts
  • Follow a routine for your psychological and spiritual well-being whether it is an hour, day off here and there, sessions with a spiritual counsellor and psychological professional. Stick with it religiously. It is worth it 
  • Create things, paint, dance, etc. whatever you are into. Your soul needs feeding so you can be more present with your child (actual and inner)

There is more, much more. I hope this might help. It is important to acknowledge and realise that this struggle is very real and you are not alone. Parenting is a journey, which will constantly challenge you to learn and integrate. Go with it. Things get better, much better I can tell you. In fact, everything slowly will begin to transform. Commit to your journey and learn as much as you can. 

Teal Swan’s Completion Process

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This morning I went through a Completion Process by Teal Swan. She has been featuring in my life for a couple of years now. I resonate with her energy and adore her signature of vulnerability, intellect, compassion, pain and authenticity. I also like her writing style, which is always clear and methodical. Her latest book The Completion Process is very well written and I am delving into it at the moment.

Teal has been particularly present for me in the last month or so when my Inner child came forth needing attention, work and integration I showed resistance, made excuses, rejected the possibility of doing the work and wanting to hand over responsibility to someone else. Teal’s presence during this time synchronously guided me towards what needed to be done and signals only got stronger and stronger as days went by, more insistent with each day, which was clear to me that I simply could not avoid this and I must participate in my own healing to do with inner child in particular. Soul’s desire was and remains for that aspect of myself to be looked at. It is time, no more excuses, no more dragging this heavy load with me everywhere I go.

I woke up this morning earlier than planned and came across a video in my Inbox with a demonstration of the Completion process. I immediately went with it. HERE is the link. There was a lady in the video working on herself with Teal. I started listening to the process and found myself being able to go into my own process easily, sort of in parallel with the lady on screen. The fact that she was going through her process didn’t hinder me participating in mine fully. The fact that I was able to focus and work on myself while listening and watching someone else do their process told me loud and clear just how ready I was to go with this. It was the most intense emotional experience I had ever done and this is the truth. With Teal’s guidance I was able to stay with myself fully and on another level all together. I really went into the traumatic memories and feelings with my body shaking with tears and images coming through readily. It was such a wonderful opportunity I thought on reflection to be able to do something with Teal even when she was working with someone else.

There are no coincidences there are only pointers and alignments within environment, which lead to a solution or a possibility. Synchronicities. I have experienced this process in my life now for several years and I can say that for me it is impossible not to trust it and in many ways that is how I live my life now, with full awareness of what goes on around me and checking it against my emotional body every time. One might say it has become a practice, which now happens effortlessly.

I came out of the session with a sense of hope more than anything. A sense of knowing that whatever just occurred made perfect sense and that it hugely benefited me in this morning hour. Work will continue, but I feel somewhat braver, less resistant and more prepared to go places and be with it. What stood out for me in the process I had gone through this morning were the following words. See if any of those resonate with you:

  • Surrender
  • Unconditional presence
  • Calm
  • Softness
  • Joy
  • Flow
  • Freedom
  • Fragrance
  • Luxury and comfort
  • Sacred

It is like putting together pieces of a jigsaw when something begins to stand out for you in your life more, e.g. you notice you get triggered more often than usual or you feel in one particular way, e.g. angry, more frequently with seemingly no reason. Notice, I’d say, it all begins with awareness, follow that thread, because it is often a thread of feelings or events or interactions, which will lead to what most needs attention and integration. If you are called to something, follow that path, allow yourself to be curious especially if there is a feeling present of ‘this is right even though scary’. This is what happened to me and Teal’s presence in my world this past month. I am going to follow it further and witness it unfolding. There is a hope vibration and an opening that invites me in and there is something in this that says ‘there is only a way forward’.

 

Aggression as a shadow side of peace

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Underneath peace there is aggression. I wonder if it’s possible? I felt it growing around me, towards me and penetrating my energy field. By day two it was everywhere and I either felt numb, frozen on the spot as if suspended in the air observing all  that goes on down below or I was filled with hatred. What appears peaceful at first might have an aggressor hidden within. This was an interesting experience and a warning that this, indeed, is possible.

Here, in particular, I would like to discuss this in relation to a spiritual by-pass and what happens when one seeks to cover one with another without moving even the top of the soil, so to speak. There is no intention to dig deep, there is only intention to cover up and then become ‘suspended’ above it all so not to touch the ‘shit’.

I sat in the woods for a few hours this weekend while attending a festival surrounded by a lot of people and children and I simply observed. I tell you that the support of a tree against my head and my back was absolutely necessary. The trees were pines and I adore their reassuring and solid vibration, as well as pleasant smell of ‘home’ and freshness. I sat on the ground and I people watched. Initially I felt peace around me, light vibration that hardly had any movement. It was pleasant, yes, intoxicating yet there was something else behind it I kept on thinking. I realised there was a pull towards ‘peace’ energy from my side and I allowed for that to come in, but I also allowed something else to birth with that initial vibration. The shadow side of peace is aggression. On day two it became clear and I felt deeply rooted aggression within so many. It is very well hidden in some and not so well in others. There are also beings I came across that felt solidly genuine in their intention and comfortable in their skins. This was affecting me greatly as I also began to feel my own shadow, my own inner aggression. It was mirroring it back to me, it was a two-way process. More specifically, however, what I felt from the place and others is aggression, which had been covered with spirituality in mind. I began to see children displaying similar energy, which felt very odd, but they appeared like angry animals with extremely strong aggression vibration. It all felt unbalanced somewhat. I began to think of what this might mean. We all are familiar with spiritual by-passing when something is not being looked at within and deliberately covered up by spiritual intentions and language. Perhaps, spirituality also became a copying mechanism for many when dealing with the world at large, which is full of terror and fear. It is all understandable, but I also couldn’t help feeling a clear sense of loss, sadness and already exhausted from just over a day of what I didn’t initially know what it was, I felt I didn’t want to participate or had energy to look deeper. Yes, I escaped to my home holding on to my centre for dear life. An energetic experience I never forget and will continue to learn from for days, months to come I am sure.

I would encourage everyone to be observant of your surroundings and check everything against how you feel, what a situation, a person, an exchange, etc. evokes in you and why. Some of you might get clear instant messages of what you are experiencing and what a message is, others might become aware later on. The main thing always is to check against your emotional, feeling body in all situations. It is the best way to know for sure what is going on and what to do next, in my experience.

Many blessings!

Sacred peace

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The feeling of inner peace for me has always been the most unreachable and desirable state I could ever imagine. I simply always knew that it was my deepest desire to be able to taste, feel and introject the signature of what is the ultimate Inner Peace. It always felt like my life has been one big turmoil and unrest within the soul and nothing ever seemed to shift that innate sadness I always felt. Whenever I had come up against challenges, losses, depression, mania, addiction or total abandonment and bitter loneliness I fought my demons from outside in making myself unworthy, making myself disappear in the sea of desperation and hopelessness. I always craved and wished for one day to feel that peace within. I always said that there could not be anything better than a peace of mind, a peace of heart and a peace of my total being. I still stand by that.

Well, it has been a journey and through my life experience I have tasted that what I had desired for so long. I am now able to access that primary positive signature feeling more and more often. How it makes me feel? Humble, soft, gentle, pure, light, whole, all giving and receiving, loved. It is a feeling of a feather gently spiralling to the ground and landing on the earth so softly and gracefully it makes the world stop and witness it with the heart full of love and inspiration.

Lately I have been reading Buddhism teachings and listening to some great teachers, who radiate that feeling I now know well. It exists in other people and we all have potential to reach that place where we are one, we are whole and we are loved unconditionally. When I attempt to describe it to my clients I tend to go into that space where it is alive and it radiates towards whoever is listening and the effect of it is transformational. I do wish to be able to continue transmitting that feeling whenever it is needed for my loved ones and in my work. Just writing about it all I can see in front of me is gentle waves of the ocean licking the shore and air is so still and tranquil it makes me want to cry. It is somewhat elegant, pristine, untouched and utterly beautiful. I can also smell sandalwood and lavender, feel the freshness of air, smell the saltiness of water and earthiness of the ground with my solar plexus feeling warm. I notice how all four elements are present within that feeling, which fills me with joy.

This image is becoming one of my favourite associations with the feeling I describe. Many years ago I bought this statue, but I never knew why I did and what the use of it was for me, I just picked it up and brought it home from abroad. I bought it in a junk shop in Spain, I think. It is very simple yet I have always felt it and over the years it somehow made it to the centre of my altar and stayed there without me moving it anywhere else or even touching it. It ended up to be the centre piece on my Pagan eclectic witchy altar. Only now it is slowly beginning to make sense, as I recognise the signature of the feeling I have been seeking and my attraction to the ‘peace and stillness’ of the figure resonates with my heart. I love it. I will continue my exploration of this beautifully flowing feeling I have come to discover within and seek to amplify it for the purpose of my soul’s growth and bigger development within the structure I live. I remain ever curious and open to all messages that come my way.

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The 4th card in a reading

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I have come to some big insights over this weekend and I feel exhausted emotionally and physically. As part of my process I worked with Tarot cards and found it particularly illuminating this time around. It has something to do with the actual deck, I suspect, as one must resonate with the maker and energy that cards transmit. This deck feels very powerful, authentic, honest and crystal clear.

Having pulled three cards over the course of this recent psycho-spiritual process work and I wanted to complete the process with the fourth card. When doing 3-cards readings I am always drawn to pull one more card to complete, three cards always feels incomplete or resolute somehow. It does feel right to me and makes sense.

Number four, when we work with dreams, e.g. or any other spiritual realm like Elemental realm where there are four elements, is the number of completion and, perhaps, my being likes to complete each cycle in this way and the fourth card is a way of doing that for me. It works like this, e.g.

1 card – where we are coming from

2 card – what we are feeling

3 card – why and how this is manifesting

You see, to me, this is not yet complete, therefore

4 card – what is to do to move forward, what does a forward movement/energy looks and feels like

It made me laugh out loud when I pulled the fourth card just now. It is brutally honest, open and basically telling me there is no other way to progress, but to be ME, to stick with ME and get to those insights that are all within me, pull all the resources together to unveil what is unseen. Yes, Mam, I almost feel like saying, but easier said than done, right, nevertheless it is so refreshing to have it confirmed that there is only way forward no matter how hard or impossible it might seem.

Reveal the Mystery card – a confirmation of the universe ready with offering an answer to my question. All I have to do is ask. I love it.

‘But as soon as he came near he heard the noise of trumpets and the beating of drums, and there where the fine stone house had been was now a great palace with a golden roof.’ (Old Peter’s Russian Tales) 

TRANSFORMATION

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