Parenting with inner child in distress

Girl on swing at sunset

It occurred to me a while back through self-awareness and deeper knowing just how difficult it is to parent when your own inner child is screaming in pain and distress. Makes perfect sense. That deeper knowing within me was present since the age of ten due to my childhood ending very early, at around five. By the time I was ten I knew as clear as day that I did not want to have any children. I was aware of the wounds within myself and I knew that taking on a responsibility of looking after a child could not work for me considering my own child was in so much distress. This was clear as day to me for as long as I remember, so when a child manifested in my life (and what a magical child he is), all my dreams and nightmares at the same time came true. Everything I knew deep down to be true turned out to be true. I found parenting very hard and what made it even harder was my constant awareness of what actually went on inside my child’s mind, body and soul and me not always being able to do anything about it due to the fact that my own inner child displayed raw and bloody wounds most of the time. It was like a competition and a tug of war between my inner child and my actual child. They both had needs, which required my attention.

So, if you find yourself struggling, here is my advice based on observations, self-awareness, years of personal work, psychology and psychotherapy professional training, being an intuitive and empathic, being a parent and a woman with a deeply wounded inner child:

  • Become aware of your own pain, see the pain of your own inner child as it is and for what it is. What do you still feel to this day? What triggers you the most and transports you back to that child place in an instant?
  • Do NOT beat yourself up about things going wrong in your life with your actual child. You are doing your best with the highest awareness possible. No one is perfect and it is a difficult long road to integration. Exercise self-love and compassion
  • Watch your projections and reactions. Pull back into yourself and explore what is happening in the moment and reflect back on certain reactions and behaviours 
  • BE with your actual child and your inner child as much as possible
  • Do not punish or persecute yourself for feeling hopeless and incapable. It is a learning process
  • Ask for help, do not push through something that is very difficult
  • Do not abandon yourself when YOU feel lost and helpless. Pause, make space and time for you. No excuses. Very important
  • Find someone, who understands or goes through the same cycle on a daily basis
  • Talk to your child as much as possible, allow the space for their emotions and expression. VERY important! If you do nothing else, just do this one thing.
  • Play with your child and if you can’t then find someone who can give that outlet to them and simply observe. You might have forgotten how to play and need to learn and allow your inner child to play 
  • Forgive yourself for manifesting what seems like an emotional suicide, don’t punish yourself. Look at it as a learning for the higher purpose. You are healing and learning through your actual child. They are the best teachers 
  • Be honest with yourself, never pretend or hide how you really feel, which makes things worse and puts the process of growth back
  • See the miracle in it, the sacred nature of your child. They are precious gifts
  • Follow a routine for your psychological and spiritual well-being whether it is an hour, day off here and there, sessions with a spiritual counsellor and psychological professional. Stick with it religiously. It is worth it 
  • Create things, paint, dance, etc. whatever you are into. Your soul needs feeding so you can be more present with your child (actual and inner)

There is more, much more. I hope this might help. It is important to acknowledge and realise that this struggle is very real and you are not alone. Parenting is a journey, which will constantly challenge you to learn and integrate. Go with it. Things get better, much better I can tell you. In fact, everything slowly will begin to transform. Commit to your journey and learn as much as you can. 

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