Well-done, you deserve it, you earned it, you worked very hard and did so well
These are powerful validating affirmations that tell ourselves that we matter, we are able and we deserve success. Today I am set on giving myself that validation I have been shying away from all the way through my childhood and early adulthood. Today is an important day when my hard work over many years has come to a completion. Today is a game-changer in how I celebrate myself.
Today made me realise like nothing ever did before in such a clear and almost unbalancing way that I don’t know how to celebrate myself and my achievements. This is no surprise how this insight came about, as this is not the first one this year, which feels like things must change and not only that, I have no choice in the matter, but to redefine it completely anew. My old signature pulled me into a certain familiar way of feeling and instead of feeling elated and satisfied there was this emptiness. I felt like hiding, shying away and holding my breath. Before I would have moved on to the next thing without stopping, honouring and validating what happened as something very important. I must mark it and stay in that energy for much longer than a few minutes this time. I noticed this today more than I ever did before in my life and there was a voice within me, a very distant one yet I heard it, which told me to stop, listen and question and I did. I felt a touch of anger, followed by sadness and a sense of injustice towards myself. I also connected this to an exact event in my childhood that changed my perception of myself and my achievements in an instant.
My mother in response to witnessing my happiness and pride in my achievements told me to stop the display of joy I was feeling inside, be humble and don’t show the pride in the excellent performance I had given. I remember that so vividly like it was yesterday. In that moment my spark went out. I didn’t understand it, but I instantly felt there was something wrong with me and took the message on that being happy was not the thing one did and expressing joy was definitely not for public display. It is profound how a single word, an event can affect someone’s whole life and how instantly I learnt a behaviour that continued through the years.
I now know that what my mother meant was not in any way a reflection on me or my achievements. I now know that her love for me didn’t stop flowing in that moment and her pride in my achievements didn’t disappear. It was just a moment, in which a child introjected words in a way that child could.
Celebrations are a huge part of my culture, always had been, yet I often felt on the fringes of that experience. It was always ‘out there’ and not ‘within’, directed and meant for someone else and never myself. That explains lack of birthday parties and gatherings in my honour and even when it did happen with my parents initiating it, I felt almost embarassed. Disconnection and detachment from the happy feelings that were present when something was achieved, earned and deserved continued throughout my life. Success became my secret joyous flow, which I felt I had to hide. To me success always leads to happiness. It never changed from that day when I was a child, it simply became hidden until now. Success is my primary happiness signature and nothing makes me feel the way that does to this day. I honour it, name it and recognise it when it comes.
So, today, I tell myself openly and unapologetically, I have done it, I worked incredibly hard, always determined, focused and dedicated. I got myself here, no one else, I did it all with unwavering self-belief and commitment to hard work. I celebrate myself today and my intention is to create my own ‘Ritual of completion’ to honour this insight and connection to myself on another level, something that I can carry with me and remind myself I matter, my achievements matter and success feels happy and joyous to me. (details of the ritual to come in a future post)
Today I also reflected on the theme of self and accomplishment in nature. I thought of the Land in a way that I experience it and how it never fails to inspire and bring out sheer admiration in me. The land knows its wisdom and beauty. It adopts, flows and bends with the elements and challenges of fire and floods. It survives and continues to grow in the face of adversity. It falls, it gets up again and basks in its own glory of knowing it is great, it is beautiful, had and soft, silent and roaring, hot and cold, it is whole in its majesty. It is not ashamed, apologetic or shy in decorating itself throughout seasons in celebration of its cycles. It is forever living in the knowledge of its beauty within and without and it honours itself deeply and in return we honour it out there and within us. Whenever I experience that sensation of fulfilment, inspiration and glory in nature I am able to connect with it inside of me and the feeling is utterly beautiful and whole.