Understanding sacrifice 

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I have rejected the idea of self-sacrifice especially after my being got fragmented post stepping into motherhood, which now is clear only came from a point of not fully understanding its meaning and purpose. It always felt like ‘what about me’? The position of a wounded part within, which always felt unseen and unheard, the part, which felt her needs were ignored and not met. Limited perspective.

It has recently grown into a wider understanding through looking at my mother’s life. I find it’s always valuable to look outwards for examples of self-sacrifice and what that shows and teaches us. There’s one crucial key to self-sacrifice and that is a firm personal choice and from there what follows is meaning making. They go together to be more precise.
On the surface it looks like she completely sacrificed her life for her husband and kids. It often begged a question ‘but what about her’. I am sure she asked that enough times herself in moments of despair and uncertainty, however, she always remained firm in her choice to self-sacrifice. We might ask why? And the answer is for the greater good, for better outcome all around, for happiness on a wider scale, which she could contribute to. It is her contribution to the wider good and her choice in sacrificing if necessary that carried her through life and, guess what, she remained happy throughout. It is from seeing others happy and content she drew her own happiness and contentment. That always remained her personal choice and one might even say her life purpose.

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When familiar is no longer working 

 When familiar no longer works you are ready for the next step, upgrade, adjustment.

I had an experience this month where I was left suspended in a vibration, which felt uncomfortable and unsolvable. No tools I have accumulated over the years could successfully be applied to that situation. I fought against it, resisted, projected my frustration onto external and that is normal human reaction when we are up against something that is problematic yet feels like it can’t be fixed. I understood my reaction well to that state as a natural push against something that I felt needed to be fixed or changed. Also to mention that surrender to a situation or a feeling state (one of my tools) also didn’t work.

In terms of elements, which I often use as a model when working with situations and parts of myself I couldn’t describe for the first time which element I was manifesting in my reality. That was the thing that really struck me as the elements always work for me in a simple way to help me understand what is distorted, what I am lacking and what needs to be introduced into the mix. Nah, not this time. There was suspension of all possible ways I have gotten to know to work for me so far in my life. I should also mention that my ‘magic’ seemed to have gone to sleep. There was access to that either.

I became curious about,firstly , what it was about that didn’t allow my known methods to work. It felt like there was an opening for something new to come in. I was meant to learn a new way, take a different step towards resolution and wholeness within myself. I was ready to engage with material completely new and it felt like there would be risks involved, super sharp mindful awareness in every moment and not abandoning myself under no circumstance, which simply only delays the process of learning and integration.

At this moment in time all I have is an awareness of the above having taken place. I am curious to what this will lead to. It feels like I am working through something on my way of becoming something new. Nothing is new within us, of course, there can only be something that we forgot or rejected perhaps. What’s coming up is more shadow work, I feel and whenever that happens I feel excited. Why? Because shadow work always leads to liberation, unleashing of what has been hidden yet can be used in a valuable way. It’s like fining a black box and feeling the excitement of opening it and not knowing what one would find yet it feels like home, you, a gift. And the work is to work out what that is.

I now remember feeling this way back in summer 2016 when all tools were taken away and I was forced to look at my physical reality manifestations. It forced me to get engaged with myself on a serious level, really look at myself in the mirror as the only thing available. I felt I didn’t quite get it that time and therefore, missed an opportunity to upgrade. Now I am being given the second chance and I am ready!

Always question how you feel, observe how you behave and what your thinking is like. Be with yourself always and whenever something doesn’t feel right stop and explore it’s meaning. It’s not that we are doing something wrong it’s about  becoming something new. Something is always growing within of us to be known.

Blessings!

New year new altar 


Today I am clearing spaces, putting things away and changing things round in every room. I love this ritual of renewal and when better than in January.

I have been waiting for this energy with anticipation and excitement after a densely packed and quite unpleasant and suffocating month of December. I have become aware there is a pattern of a certain vibration that shows up every year towards the end of the year. More to learn, unpack and transform. Great learning.

My lovely Yule altar, which I wanted to be simple and effective this year with colours of red and white, served well during dark times. I love Yule. Now it’s time for a change. I am ready. Everything that’s been is now gone and it feels good. There’s only today and a possibility of tomorrow.

January is an active, inspirational and creative time for me usually. I enjoy it usually and throw myself into work, projects being very focused, motivated and organised. This, I feel, is present again this year, but along with the ‘doing’ I am also including the ‘being’ vibration. Peaceful and soothing, soft and gentle, restful and meditative. Therefore for this time in-between now and Imbolc on the 2nd February my altar goes to my sort of ‘default’ presentation of peace and tranquility, Buddha like space which I love so very much. Colours are purple and white and the feeling is love, light and peace. 

My intention is to go out there and grab life and do lots of exciting things, create beautiful musings and engage in writing and learning as much as I can, but also give myself space and time to be still, present, focused within and at peace with myself and the world.
Blessings!

Working with the Elements 

 

I learnt to apply elemental wisdom to my every day activities, the way I think, feel and behave. A certain system has been formed in my awareness based on the four elements. It happened through continuous observation of nature it all its forms and presentations. It seems to go like this:

When I am in my Air element my thinking is engaged. I focus on my thoughts in a given moment and go through them deciding an action or making a plan.

Out of a thought comes a certain feeling, emotional response to what my mind is presenting. The more I focus on a thought the more I feel. I engage my Water function. Some emotions are not pleasant and my Fire might come in to inform me whether to act or not, whether my Fire is to be dynamic, productive and needed or is simply a response to a thought, which is not something I want to engage with. Fire is the necessary part of the process as an alchemical operation of burning something to clarity, purifying something till its purpose is revealed. I am given a choice in this part of the process. I choose whether I trust my feeling and therefore the original thought it is connected to will serve me or I recognise its nature as something that needs to be put aside or healed.
After a thought and a feeling with engagement of Fire comes behaviour. Next comes manifestation, the doing of what once was only a thought form. The Earth element is needed here and I test myself on how ready I am to hold the energy of the thought and emotion and how confident I am about bringing it to life. Earth is holding, strong, calm and reassuring and when engaged is a powerful tool to help us manifest.

So that’s how the process goes in a form of a system. With practice similar to certain psychotherapeutic approaches one not only can become aware of their thoughts but how they make us feel and behave. Nature is a powerful tool to use along the same lines yet so much deeper as nature serves as a witness to our process engaging all of our senses.

Ever feel that you are being pulled into water when what’s needed is to stay grounded? Nature is clever like that it tests by giving us options and challenges our choices whether it is to act, feel or behave in a certain way, a bit like a therapist might. 

The other day consumed by worrying thoughts, which were producing powerful emotions in me ,I found myself by the water. I needed to decide what’s next, am I to manifest my state or am I in need to look at it further before making a choice.
As I stood on the bank of a lake between Water and Earth I saw my dilemma clearly. Do I jump into my feelings and get consumed by them or do I remain on firm Earth and allow myself to be held together. There was anger, sadness, frustration all emotions with an undertone of Fire. I made a decision to transmute it back to the Earth through holding on to trees allowing them to balance things out within me. I left more together, composed and with awareness of what was happening within me that morning.

Perfection 

What is perfection? What does it mean for us individually and as a collective idea? What are we made to believe it is?

Perfection is knowing when something is not perfect and accepting it as that.

Perfection is an acknowledgement of non-perfect aspects within us and outside of us.
It is a recognition of the fleeting nature of perfection. It is a balance between all that is perfect with all that is not.
It is a moment of pure joy we experience in nature, music, poetry, when we are aligned ‘perfectly’ with our own potential of perfect.
Perfection is a defence against perceived non-perfect within, a fear of being seen as non-perfect, fragmentation into good and bad when perfection is the whole, all, momentous and wonderful.

The quality of ‘wholesome’

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‘Wholesome’ is a quality I associate with home, log fires, animals, living off the land, roots, families, simple life, good food and lots of laughter. I feel comfortable around people who possess that quality and who feel like ‘home’. They are calm, kind, full of humour and warmth. It is interesting to see how what you seek in life when you meet it in others you are instantly drawn to it. Someone once said to me while we had been discussing a relationship problem ‘how do they make you feel when you are around them?’ That was a revelation to me, as I never considered looking at it that way. I never actually considered my own feelings and what was best for me.  And now years later I go with my feelings and intuition always whether it is people, food, job or any choice or decision I have to make. This is non-negotiable to me and it has firmly become a way of life for me. I go with that ‘wholesome’ vibration and ask myself ‘is this going to be good for me?’ ‘how does this person make me feel when I am with them?

I have encountered wholesome people in my life in recent years more, as I resonate with their values and they make me feel at home with myself and the world. I want to be one of them and I feel I am able to be more and more. Yesterday the whole day was transformed for me after coming into contact with wonderful friends, who are just that type of wholesome people. They invite you with warm smile and welcome into their home, make you a hot drink and then tell you something funny, a joke or a silly story. They share something interesting they did with the children or while in the garden. It warms me all over and I realise that this is what I have been seeking all my life, that connection of acceptance and absence of conditions on how to be, what to say, what to do. I am allowed to simply be myself and drink that comfort in knowing people around me are genuine with heart-felt intentions. Here nothing is too serious and nothing that can’t be talked about openly.

In the last few days I have definitely felt a sense of belonging and knowing that I am exactly where I am meant to be. What a wonderful feeling and a new one for me. I have had glimpses of it with my home and my boys yet I have always resisted it and even fought against it unconsciously pushing it away, which resonated with my learnt script of ‘not meant to be happy and joy is NOT good’. (my joy is in the shadow post). Having done a lot of work and come to deep insights about various things I begin to see everything shifting in a direction that I love. This feeling reflects that sweet warmth within that says that I have everything I need and want. I am completely content with myself and the world. This is what I want and what I have been aiming towards. The feeling of home and peace in my soul, my most hungered for vibration for most of my life.

I love where I am, who I am surrounded with and I am beginning to love myself, possibly for the first time in my life.

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Restoring inner peace 

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When you are thrown off course by outside circumstances and you didn’t see it coming it is a sign you left your centre unattended. When things happen you didn’t expect to happen you feel out of control desperately trying to gain control and attaching to outcomes in your thinking that you do want.

Trying to apply control when emotionally overwhelmed is some might say a natural reaction. We become obsessive in our actions, words and behaviour just to avoid feeling lost, empty and uncertain. It works, but a lasting effect is living within a prison of your own desperation to control everything and anything to avoid feelings within yourself, to avoid facing yourself.

When the world around us suddenly feels under threat the best and most important thing we must do is not to leave ourselves but check with ourselves applying soothing understanding and accepting to all feelings and surrendering to what we can’t control. We release out resistance to  unfavourable circumstances and allow the natural flow to occur however negative.

Bring it back to your heart centre by placing a hand over your heart area. Breathe into the space where you feel love and peace. Slow down, stay still, allow for whatever is present to be acknowledged in that moment.

There’s universal vibration at all times that holds faith and hope that all is just as it should be and all will be just the way it is meant to be. All we can do when we are thrown into a state of fear, desperation and uncertainty is stay with ourselves and acknowledge what we do have, what we can control and what we love and appreciate. Do not let go off your joy and peace however tempting it might be to spiral in the opposite direction.

Love and light