Fear signature – the process of HOW and WHY it manifests

 

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I have been feeling fear, dread, constrictions in the body, doubt, discomfort and not belonging anywhere in the last week or so. It intensified as the week progressed and when my husband and son went away for the weekend I was left on my own, which, to me felt good and bad at the same time. This split is not unfamiliar and something I have been working with for a couple of years now. It brings new insights every time and this time it was staring me in the face yet again wanting to be decoded and understood. Not an easy task, as I always felt that this particular ‘split’ was one of the major conflicts that was potentially stopping me expanding. It always felt very significant and powerful. I truly feel this one in my body, this fear of ‘going out there’ on one side, and a desperation to ‘go out there’ on another. I feel it deeply in my solar plexus and it is very strong and very real. Gripping, constricting, uncomfortable, nausea-like feeling, holding my breath, not seeing very clearly – all of these feelings present in the body at the same time. It also spreads towards my heart where I begin to panic, cry and struggle to catch my breath, as if the ground is slipping from under my feet. Fear!

Oh, how I struggled with the conflict of being happy to be on my own and all those possibilities to delve deep into myself. I have been seemingly craving the space. On the other hand, I feel scared, lost, restless and alone. It has a feeling of light and darkness to it, empowered and wounded, innocent and wise, child and adult. I again didn’t know what it was, but it was there.

Cards (Link to the cards HERE) that I pulled this weekend were incredibly insightful, in fact, this was the first time I experienced such forceful and crystal clear accuracy with a Tarot deck. It felt powerful, as if they were speaking to me in a very clear voice and I felt it was almost impossible not to explore and follow their messages further. Well, I tried very hard and this was part of my journey towards the insight I received at the end of the weekend. Read More

Be careful what you wish for…

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‘Be careful what you wish for’ surprises us, but also when we attach to an expectation we get bitterly disappointed. Expectations carry a trickster vibration, which leads us astray and to places we don’t expect to visit, which often results in pain and bitterness. Trickster is a teacher, but the way it presents its lessons is unconventional. We often dismiss it stoically or escape from it in pain rather than looking at it with open eyes and being prepared to listen, however confusing messages might seem. What I learnt was not to give into the vibration of being tricked into something, but stay with the core lesson hidden behind the energy that feels malicious.

As we turned off the main road from Inverness and onto the country winding lanes, scenery changed and surroundings took my breath away. Its stillness, green lush tapestry with sparkling dark grey rivers sounding beneath and deer wondering amongst bushes – it seemed like a heavenly oasis undisturbed by worldly worries. Peaceful, flowing vibration of the way things should be enveloped my every sense. In that moment I forgot everything and everyone, events that happened an hour ago, words spoken to another, it all became a blank screen on the other side of my awareness. For that moment I was in another world.

Deer is my primary spirit animal and to be able to see it so close to me, in great numbers with huge stags snorting loudly and staring intently in my direction, I could hardly breathe and the smile on my face fixed the joy within my heart. I spent a peaceful week in the Northern Scotland with Highlands watching over me from outside the window and it was not at all what I expected. My expectations turned into a magical experience when I invisaged a fairly uneventful, empty space.

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During my stay near the Land’s End of the Northern coast of Scotland I connected with the Water element the most. The sea produces no feelings in me usually and I have a strong preference for rivers and lakes, however, this time experience opened up possiblities for me to line up with the sea and its vibration. The way I can describe its signature is reassuring, strong, in motion and depth. I weaved my magic on the shore and received messages highly informative and directional for my forward journey.

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The second week, however, I planned and waited for intensely for nearly a year and after the endless speciousness of mountains and the wind gently singing in my hair cooling my spirit and letting it spread my inner wings, I found myself unaffected by my surroundings. Seemingly it was all that I wished for – a remote cabin surrounded by woods, yet, I felt nothing. This produced such sorrow within me, as I find there is nothing worse than no feeling of any kind. They do say indifference feels more painful than hate. Since I arrived I found no peace, rest or consolation in the place and waited for it to end. I felt enclosed finding it difficult to breathe, yes, amongst the trees, my spirit was dormant and I was pushed into the ‘ground’ without being able to spread my wings. I recognised the primary trauma of mine in that vibration – the trauma of entrapment. Again, this was the last place on Earth I would have expected to experience this in.

On reflection I found my experience with expectations and attachments fascinating and what I have learnt is ‘be careful what you wish for’ in its good and bad sense, both. Be careful how and to what one attaches. The land has no intention to make you feel in one way or another. Again it was confirmed for me. It is only me and you, who can vibe with one place or another and immerse into the vibration one aligns with. Finding that oasis on the outside, as well as, within is a process, a journey into the unknown, unpleasant or blissful and full of joy. In any case it feels like an adventure, which leads to discoveries of the soul and I am so grateful for it.

 

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