Letting things go

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From the month of April and now in May (the most triggering time of the year for me) it has felt like the time to release finally and let go. This time it really IS the time. There is no choice or negotiation in this really, it simply needs to happen or the weight carried forward will interfere with any progress and growth and it is not needed.

Letting things go is such a strong vibe right now. Several things are falling off me in the next month or so and it feels releasing as if I am straightening my shoulders and taking in air in my lungs for the first time in a new way. Those things I am releasing are attached to my shoulders and back predominantly (where one imagine wings would sprout from) and feel like rocks when they detach and fall off me. They smash into pieces, big boulders and I feel so great seeing it happen. It is occurring in steps and stages and not in the same time and great patience is required. Expect mods swings and feeling useful, doubtful and uncertain. That’s okay. We are coming into a space of new and much better for sure.

Images that I get a lot these days is of butterflies and wings. Words that accompany images are transformation, rebirth, metamorphosis, keys, opening doors.
Stay put and drop all resistance. What will happen is such a big sigh of relief and lightness that we would be able to fly.

I am letting go of a few things on my blog too, all part of the process and listening to your inner wisdom is an important part of this exercise. If you hear it, do it, do it in a way that you are told from within.

Blessings!

The night before Easter Sunday

The night I felt like praying was the night before Easter Sunday 2017. We are in North Wales, Snowdonia.

I am feeling out of sorts with flare ups of anger and that moaning voice talking harshly to me and all those around me. It feels unpleasant and I find myself unable to control it coming out. This is not unfamiliar to me and I often feel at a loss when this happens. I have experienced this voice over and over again for many years and it comes as quickly as it leaves. I am yet to work through whether this is something within me that continues to manifest as unhealed or is this a past-life memory, vibration or personality trait mine or someone else’s.  I might say it feels like a possession of some sort when something from within is desperate to be heard and the voice of pain, bitter disappointment and cruel criticism would not be silent. It feels slightly ‘out of body’ when I can hear and see myself yet I am unable to have any say over what happens or gets said. Post-episode I always feel deep sadness and yesterday I also felt incredible guilt. What happened and what was expressed felt wrong and hurtful and I knew it wasn’t my intention. I felt shame, wanting to atone, a deep sense of feeling sorry for those around me. It was a real genuine sense of wanting to say ‘I am sorry’. It had a mixture of love in it, deep love and compassion.  I saw myself going on my knees at the edge of my bed wanting to pray, ask for forgiveness and release and the idea of God was very present. As a pagan this puzzled me but I remained opened to whatever was coming up. Pagan, of course, pray too in various ways, but this felt different to me. It was God I wanted. Something strong and new was being born in order to aid me with my troubles. I realised something within was uncontainable and I needed to be contained, held and understood. I felt confused and alone. I suggested to my husband I went to church the following day and I felt even more confused as if another part of me, the lost, loving one was seeking resolution and release of the pain caused by a cruel, angry side. I fell into mini-despair about it all and almost froze into a sleep, which was restless and broken.

The morning didn’t seem to bring much relief yet I felt stronger and more intent on understanding what was happening. It also felt joyful and light somewhat and I delighted in beautiful pictures that my parents sent me of Easter eggs and their celebratory table full of traditional food of the season. It felt warm, contained, simple and knowing. It felt like another ‘home’, my mother. The theme of Home was coming through in the mix of it all. I realised that even though I grew up in a non-religious family one holiday that was always celebrated in a traditional way was Easter. I glanced back into my past and remembered gatherings around a table full of pies and baked deliciousness with colourful eggs (real ones) prepared by my mother with the whole family partaking in a celebration I never really understood. No one ever explained its meaning or told me things I needed to do, I simply followed what others did like knocking eggs together to see whose would break first. It was like a game. We did that with each member of the family and ate a lot of eggs that day, we all loved eggs. I always felt there was something quite complete and versatile about eggs.

We decided to go to the forest for some fresh air. Magnificent old pines looked inviting bowing in their knowledge and welcome as I stepped on the path. It felt homely, fresh yet wild and still uncontained. I realised how nature can overwhelm me often and I don’t always feel safe in the space in a way I need necessarily. The idea of a church hadn’t left me still this morning. After spending a few hours wondering through the beautiful forest breathing in fresh spring air we ended up in a village and sat outside next to a church. I was drawn to it instantly and realised this Easter Sunday I must go in, I am being called into a church of a different making to stand at the altar, which is not a forest floor or the altar in my home. I went through the old door decorated in spring flowers and it hit me. I began vibrating all over with shivering sensations spreading throughout my body. I was all alone in this beautiful old church facing the altar. God is Risen! I smiled as this felt like my spirit or the spirit that I know well recognised the spirit present in this place. I knew it is one spirit, it is all the same thing, something spiritual that we all possess and know deep down and that alignment felt instantly soothing and the church felt welcoming. Another feeling I did receive was of that containment. I truly know and understand the meaning of a church being a refuge for so many, it is such a container of people’s troubles, prayers and joys. I get it. I felt contained and held, something I needed more than anything since last night. I lit a candle in honour of everyone that had passed and asked for health and happiness for all my loved ones. I walked away from it lighter, much lighter.

Altar, container, church are all various forms of sitting with the Divine whether it is one God, Goddess, Nature, Spirit or the Source, whatever it might be it is all off the same root, off the same home and it doesn’t have to have a name, face, physical form or a particular way of being. It is a feeling, an emotion, an experience.  It is recognisable when it is present in the atmosphere around whether it is in a forest or in an old village church. Spirit is present everywhere and more potent in places of worship, energy is simply more concentrated, as many desires, wishes and prayers are shared in these places and potent rituals had been performed there for centuries. Places hold that vibration. It occurred to me that whatever is being called force in any given moment, following it with curiosity and an open heart can lead to discoveries not so new, perhaps, yet surprising may be. I felt in union with all and asked for peace within myself and religions around the world whether you are pagan, Christian, Muslin or Hindu. That Spirit that unites all spiritual paths has the same message of love, the same feeling of peace and sacredness whatever religious variations in how worshipping is done. It can be in a church, in a corner of your bedroom, in the sea, on the forest floor or on top of the mountain. It is all about working with energies unseen, but deeply felt and allowing it to touch us in ways that are healing and soothing. It is about asking for guidance and seeking answers when we are at a loss and knowing we are not alone. We all come from spirit and to spirit we will return just like seasons come and go, the wheel of the year keeps on turning we continue on our journey through cycles of life and today is the day of renewal, light coming back and celebrating spring.

I remain curious to exploring my connection to Easter, some Christian elements and what it all means for my spiritual path. I remain open and allowing. It is valid and important to give it space and consideration and allow experiences touch me. This year, as I go through the cycles in nature I am even more intent to explore what each season, cycle, festival mean to me and  I am already beginning to see some elements, that will be included in my future, which hadn’t been considered before. I am creating my own version of the wheel of the year, if you like, and it feels exciting and very personal. I am also grateful for these spiritual experiences and new insights that happen when I am travelling away from home in lands steeped in history and stunning landscape. I love how the Land never fails to facilitate my growth.

Will I be praying again and asking for forgiveness and restoration of peace within? I am pretty sure I will. This experience felt deeply important on the night before Easter, divine timing, one might say, and the feeling afterwards was even more profound. Who will I be praying to and in what form? Will it be in the forest, my bedroom or the church, who knows, but whatever I am called I will follow. It is a fascinating journey of piecing things together, it seems. Another thing to remember, of course, is that there is a constant change, an evolution that occurs. I found nothing is completely static in a spiritual practice and that is what is wonderful about this personal journey. It is like reading a book, which offers more and more possibilities with a promise of always adding mystery and wonderment to my experience.

 

My sacred woodland

Across the road from my house there lies a woodland. It is a short pleasant walk into what is a sacred place to me. At first sight it might seem like nothing particularly special, big or of any significance, yet to me it means everything. It is a sacred crucible, which has been holding my pain and joy, ecstasy and turmoil and provided a solid presence and acceptance for many years now.

The way I would describe it in a way of imagery is a circle of greenery, it is a round shape, not too big, positioned slightly more to the left off the path although it stretches to the right too with a path running all the way round it and across it. It inhibits the lives of many oaks, holly trees, silver birches and smooth-skinned beeches. There are many hidden groves within the woodland where one cannot be seen from any of the paths and it feels like one is in a safe hold of the forest floor, trees above and plants all around. I often feel hugged by my guardian trees and most of them I can climb in between, as they stand in clusters. There is a brook running through the middle, small, narrow, but very alive with vibrancy of the crystal clear water.

In spring the woods change its flooring to vibrant purple of bluebells and the smell stretches all senses in a delicious dance of delirium. The joy is indescribable and it takes my breath away every time. In summer it is near to impossible to go off the path due to overgrowth of ferns and brambles and the air is so still I can hear my heart beat. I hold my breath in surrender to the cooling shelter that it provides amidst the heat of summer days.

In autumn it is very pleasant and paths yet again begin to open up for accessing all the hidden little groves, beginning to invite us slowly into the heart of the woods and our inner worlds. Here I cocoon myself for an hour or so doing magic or simply lying on the floor merging with the earth. There is a notable chill in the air, but so refreshing and, of course, the golden attire of trees never fails to get me to the floor kneeling before its majesty. In winter it is bare in all its glory and I can see the most intricate silhouettes of trees entwining their branches and huddling together against the wind. Stunning in their nakedness they stand strong in their vulnerability.

This woodland has been in my heart for many years and witnessed my process intimately holding all my secret heart desires and painful experiences. I never once left this place without a resolution, an answer or a transformation of some kind. It works every time. It is my trusted teacher, friend, guardian, counsellor, mother/father, the divine. It is something I can’t imagine my life without and its vibration has been aligning with my own for many moons whether it was performing my nature spells, meditating, talking to trees or spending time in close embrace with the earth smelling and feeling the glory of its body and soul. It might be a simple woodland, yet to me it is sacred and precious.

I now intend to take other people on soul quests through this wonderful place where I hope they, like myself, will find resolution, understanding, healing and transformation. I offer OUTDOOR therapy for clients in the UK, Uxbridge area.

‘Get back on that road’ Nature said…

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Following on from my post on 2017 signature this is my experience, as reflected back to me by nature perfectly. This is an aspect of my spirituality, which is deeply rooted in knowing that nature always gets where I am, where I need and want to be and where I should be in any given moment. It is non-directional in a traditional sense and neutral, however once I learnt to hear its unique voice I learnt to understand what it means by its often very subtle pointers. She does speak through trees, ground under my feet, through bird song and rustle in bushes. It always speaks and there is always something worth listening to especially when I come for guidance and advice.

The woods this morning stood uninviting. Saying it out loud sounds somewhat strange, which, to me, means there is mystery to be discovered. Things are not always what they seem, I learnt that a long time ago. I hear bird song and follow its music into the woods, yet in the next moment it is drowned by the sound of traffic and air noise followed by loud dog barking and figures walking close by. I can’t settle and I am walking on the paved path unlike my usual choice of places to walk. I notice that. I want to see and smell pines. I know that’s what I seek and I turn off the paved path. I come towards green fluffiness of pines standing beautiful in the rain. I pick a branch from the forest floor to smell it yet it is missing the fragrance I expect. It is dull, it is not felt and I begin to feel like the forest pushes me out, back to the paved path.
The noise of traffic and air doesn’t subside, it is constant and the bird song is no longer present. I look beneath my feet, it is muddy and soggy. It is cold. I feel disjointed and my vision is very obscured by irritating fog in my eyes. I sense anger and disappointment and decide  to walk back to my car.
What was that about? What does it say about where I am right now? Drowned by noise, people, traffic. Chaotic. I feel the woods pushing me towards what is in the moment. I must be amidst it, trees say, not in solitude walking in the rain but in connection with human, mundane and noisy. This is not the first time I hear this message and I recognise it as s lesson of not trying to escape something but fully staying with what is. It is about the Earthly, grounded dimension being rather than spiritual and detached when not in connection with the earthly. This is actually the most important lesson of the spiritual, which I am reminded of again and again. I start the car and as I drive back home I feel anticipation in my heart growing to see my boys and get stuck in my life again. I feel renewed, seen and understood yet again.

Journeying with the Triple Goddess

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This month of January 2017 I am in need of reminding myself of the magic that runs through my veins. I am called to look deep within to revive my own potential, strength and power. I also need to release tension, doubt, anxiety and sadness that accumulated within. I need to journey into a place of spirit, my beloved land, for the need of restorative medicine and wisdom.

I have been called a lot this month to be present for others, to take care of the external things and people, which left me starved for inner peace, reflection and care taking of my soul. I am in need of a ritual, tears, focus and attending to my soul’s needs.

This morning I feel like hybenating, wrapping myself up warm and cosy in luxurious thick blanket, cover my head with a purple scarf and snuggling up with a coffee in front of my altar. This feels so needed and timely. I am looking after myself in a way I haven’t been able to lately. Solitude is something I crave. I often reach that point when there is no other path to take or choice to make other than sitting in complete silence with myself, rocking myself into comfort and steering back to the road where I get in touch with spirit.

I put on some music and began my journey in front of my altar, which felt like the most beautiful thing to me right now. It is for sure one of my favourite altars over the years. I can’t wait for Imbolc to come, which is exactly a week today and I feel like bathing in scents and textures of white flowers. It feels delicious and completely needed for me today.

Maiden: wearing thin white tunic, barefoot with her long hair dropping loosely on her shoulders she walks very softly upon the shore of a lake. I recognise the place. She sways her hands in a gentle dance and flowers drop from her fingers. She raises her arms in the air and flowers shoot out from under the ground opening up towards the new. There is innocence, purity, beauty and translucency of spirit that surrounds her. She is the element of water and air. She begins to fly over the lake continuing to scatter flowers on the water. I cry and cry. It is a beautiful sight and a powerful release for me. I missed her.

Mother: in a pine forest where trees reach high up into the sky she walks confidently looking up and around her. She wears a green dress and green lacy short boots. There is light and confidence about her. She has earthly energy, very pentacle type of energy of manifestation and being firmly in the world. She walks along the pine forest tidying things up here and there, picking up branches and touching trees. She arrives to a point where a view opens up in front of her. I recognise this place. The sun is bright and warming, she smiles. There is a beautiful lake down below and forests stretching as far as the eye can see. She takes a deep breath and sits down on a tree stump. Animals gather around her legs, badgers, squirrels and an owl lands on her lap. She strokes her very soft feathery body and all is content in the world.

Crone: she is sitting on a rock looking out to the sea. I recognise these rocks. Wearing long white cloak, which matches her white hair she holds her walking wand firmly as a strong support for her frail body. She is knowing, content and at peace. There is nothing that she hadn’t seen or done before. She is older than anything or anyone in this universe. She walks towards a pool of water coming off the rocks and whispers her spells and chants into the water taking out herbs from her pockets and throwing them in. She is forever magical and working for the good of the Earth. The she walks into a cave, sits down with black crows surrounding her. Her inner comfort and peace is electric and striking. She begins to pull fire with upwards motion of her hands from under the earth. With ease she brings it into reality and the air fills with warmth. She sits in deep reflection watching the flames humming to herself.

Music for the journey:

There are three pieces of music, which follow for each Goddess starting at 1:04:33 point at 11:34

Altar work and Water element ritual

I tapped into my intuition this morning, which produced a gift of awareness of what was needed for me today and over the last few weeks. I have become aware of the need to acknowledge Water element in me. I realised I have been trying to get going engaging my Fire, yet this year my alignment with the season is different and it feels more Water than Fire for the first time in years.

Intuitive ritual set-up:

  • I was drawn to two ‘vessels’, which I reached out for, filled them up with water and placed them both on my altar.
  • I switched my red candles for blue ones
  • I put a feminine/Water element essential oil of Ylang Ylang in my oil burner and also in both cups
  • I put my favourite blue crystal as well as sacred stone back on my altar.

I can say the feeling within me and in the room instantly changed. It felt more flowing, but also grounded. This is why I really love my altar, it is such an evolving, shifting space, which offers an opportunity to tap into what is needed and represent it visually and physically, which then directly affects everything around. It is creative and intuitive and incredibly supportive and holding. Altar work is an integral part of my spiritual practice and I find the work powerful. My altar is a living being travelling through seasons and actions and emotions they evoke in me. Through reflecting my feeling and mental states back to me it serves as a therapist or a mother, whose messages like a mirror reflected back get internalised by my being and shifts occur. I get to see myself through my altar. 

My intuition didn’t stop there and as soon as I acknowledged my struggle with this month (POST HERE), insights began to flow. I am now called to travel to my Nemeton towards a stream running through it and make an offering to the Goddess, to Water element. I am yet to find out what offering I am going to make, but being told to leave it till I am in the woods. It will come then.