From wounded to confident – journey continues…

Maiden on Beltane No other month, I find, triggers me into sorrow and anger more than May and I have been coming into awareness why over the last two years. Beltane is always a trigger. I have been working with balancing feminine and masculine for the last few years. Bringing the feminine forth and learning how to be that and balancing the deeply distorted masculine, which lived within for so long, but didn’t work within my ‘female’ soft being. I now connect well to the feminine, strong, soft and vulnerable, wise and compassionate, yet masculine, although missing violent, aggressive and abusive side, is yet to be redefined within me. This is one of the posts that I suspect I am yet to write about the process of connecting with the Divine feminine and masculine.

This year my Maiden appears different. I suspect it happened as a result of me coming into the energy more and way deeper than before. Maiden within has been going through a transformation quietly, but with strong assured energy of knowing what was needed. I realised it has been happening deeply in the under-layers without displaying, like a worker bee or a spider patiently weaving their webs or trees waiting for the blooms to come through winter. My Maiden has a strong work ethic and patience – what a revelation. From a Firy (distorted masculine traits), wounded, screaming deity with a tinge of someone being spoilt to a studious, steady and confident.

Dance to my beat – the Green Man said

She stepped slowly into the circle adjusting her flowing skirts and made her first move

He stood mesmerised by her confident posture and playful glint in her eye

He joined her in a dance of teasing and their clothes gently brushed together

He watched and waited without force or invitation

She grew in confidence with every step she took and walked over to him

Take me into your arms and spin me faster and faster – she said

He obligingly swept her into a sweet embrace and lifted her off the ground  into a joyful spin

Oh how they laughed and held each other in love and sweet union

Oh how they danced all night into the hours of dawn

This is all good and well, all that dancing and the season is all wonderfully joyful, but for the last few years Beltane had been a festival, which triggered me into old wounds of loneliness and betrayal. All energies masculine were seen as negative, abusive and disloyal. I usually spend the day sick in bed and wanting to hide. This year is not that different, as I am not willing to connect to the masculine as, perhaps, expected by the festival.

Well, it sort of crept up on me this year and even though again I am not feeling great within my body, which serves as a reminder of that old pattern, I am also feeling shifts in feminine energies. I spent the last part of 2016 and the beginning of this working on healing the masculine within. It has been a hard road and difficult wounding to transform and I am not there yet, but I know I am on the right track. I feel I have been gently led into Beltane this year. My Maiden feels confident right now and knows exactly what she wants. I also wrote this post about redefining my Beltaine, or rather focusing on other aspects of the festival. I notice how I spell the word differently in my post too HERE 

This month’s insights go even deeper and questions come up in relation to feminine and masculine deities. I struggle to connect with a masculine energy still. It seems to have no voice, substance or even a face or form in my awareness. It is empty at the moment. I begin to think about relationships between Gods and Goddesses, what does that look like? Beltane is about sex, love, marriage and relating yet what I experience is a separation on some level and I really feel it.  I am still unable to see qualities of the Green Man other than his function to connect with the Maiden. I wonder if the Maiden even wants that connection? I suspect she does, but, perhaps, on her terms and more in balance rather than a forced assumed position of what her purpose must be and what expectation of the season is. She’s got to have consent. I wonder what would be should she choose not to marry and get pregnant… what would happen if she rebelled? I suspect it is again about finding a balance, a compromise and not involve extreme ways of going about things.

I suspect this won’t be the last post exploring masculine and feminine and I intend continuing my research and experiences in this area.

 

2017 challenges so far…

2017 signature What a year it is shaping out to be…

This year’s signature is getting involved with life, stepping into that ever-moving flow of things, very busy, that treadmill we all talk about and many want to avoid. This is what is kind of expected of us just to test it out one more time if someone is unsure about the way forward. It feels old, but new at the same time. It is approached from a perspective of ‘give it go, why not, see what else is there to learn’. It is an opportunity to expand, as always, and this year’s offering for expansion is through being busy and very much in life.

It feels I am being pulled towards it. It feels like by the end of the year my desire, purpose and destiny will clarify once and for all. On many levels it feels like the last chance before I step into a concrete knowing, although nothing is ever concrete and we don’t want it to be. There is paradox present, for sure, and it is up to us to work out what that means for us. It is a year to find out exactly what will drive me forward and in what way. In order to get to that understanding I am to get on that fast-moving train into my day-to-day life with challenges and stress very much part of it, it seems. . It feels necessary and part of the learning and part of my evolution.

It also feels like the second attempt of a similar scenario I tried eight years ago when coming out of ‘stay at home mum’ state for the first time and going back to work. It is all about finding things out again in a new way, in a different way and see if this time it brings desires and destinies in line.

I feel resistance to this way already even though I thought that’s what I wanted and this is familiar. It is a challenge to see if I am to navigate it this time with more wisdom and patience. I get it. It is a test.

Signature is getting on with it with patience, loving heart towards myself and others and quiet determination. To see challenges and obstacles as lessons. It is to test my strength and resourcefulness. The thing is my self-belief has never been stronger than this year and I feel there’s nothing I can’t do. Interesting. I am very much in my Warrior self. There is blood, darkness and gold at the same time. There is a feeling of treasure awaiting me yet the road is super difficult to see and even more difficult to walk. A lot of drive, focus, motivation is needed and my warrior is up for that challenge. The feeling for this year is generally good, opportunistic, ‘show what you’ve got’ type of energy.

I do find myself wishing this year away and that’s been present since January and that is part of the process reflecting back to me my own impatience, distortions in fire when frustrated and sometimes difficulties dealing with stress. It is also part of that resistance, push and pull within me. The reason they are reflected is with an aim of awareness and subsequent adjustment of my ways. I need to be present with what is in the moment. Calm, solid steps without the mind rushing into things.

Watch the space…

 

Manifesting quick is not always good

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One would think quick manifesting is a great thing, however, I am finding out it is not always the case. It can be so quick one has no time to settle into an idea of something to be manifested. Often we confuse our desires with needs and mix our attachments and history into the mix. If your tendencies are to do everything quickly, very organised and efficient it is likely you will be able to manifest things quickly. You will possess a strong Air element qualities (good networking, working things out, communicating, create lots of ideas and be inspired a lot) as well as strong Earth element qualities (bring ideas to life, good decision-making, sensible ways of going about things).

What I am being shown lately and, on reflection, not for the first time that sometimes a long game is much better where a range of qualities get tested and clarified and there’s a satisfaction of achieving something at the end of it having gone through a process rather than a single action. This longer process is still manifesting yet being in life at the same time, being present with each step weaving magic carefully with evaluating every step rather than experiencing it so quick it can feel almost unwanted at the end. This puzzled me a couple of times before and the more recent events, which included super-fast manifesting, made me stop and reflect. When what seemed like ‘a dream come true’ action occurred very quickly I was thrown into the sea of emotions and not the ones I would have expected to feel. I felt tangled up, very unclear in my mind with a lot of shadow material of the old original coming forward in me. I couldn’t understand it. This felt like something that did happen before and it made me think about manifesting quick.

We are such animals, I think, that need to have things settled within us. Part of the problem today is that we rush and we don’t stop to hear ourselves, listen to our hearts and slowdown in life, therefore nothing has time to settle in its planning stages and subsequently post- manifestation. I believe we need to pause and often with ourselves to check, to feel, to revise, to ask lots of questions and be in our bodies fully. I failed to do all of the above this time round, which then activated events, e.g. accidents and illness, having to do things I didn’t want, almost on the back of that ‘awesome’ manifestation that happened.

Quick magic and modern life, perhaps, is a way of bypassing the moment of quiet slowing down and settling in the heart. May be they don’t mix well when done impulsively and with what can be described too much Fire energy. Perhaps, manifestation spells and work should be more aligned with Water and Earth qualities within.

This is such a good lesson for me and I hope some of you might relate to this and continue to observe your own magic in this world and learn to navigate it with more awareness, softness and patience. I do have patience, but it seems to present often in a direct competition with my driven, impulsive nature. I need to learn to balance.

I recommend this book on the subject of weaving magic in the modern world.

Winter Sun

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This year for me is intended to be all about the Sun. My relationship with it, its energetic associations, masculine energy and the quality of Fire. The Sun and I have not been friends I must say due to my intolerance to heat, however, there is more to the Sun than the ability to warm and dry the earth. It shows us different sides, I feel depending on the season. Through running my workshop on the four seasons ‘Four Seasons of the Psyche’ I intend to redefine my relationship with summer and the Sun’s heat and the meaning of ‘burning’. I seek to grow into embracing and opening up to what I had often shrunk from. I would like to start observing the Sun in all its seasonal presentations, colours, energies, meanings and its effects on me starting with winter.

In spiritual terms I am drawn to an old ritual and story from Russia surrounding the Sun God, day and night Zorya Goddess

In Druidry there is a tradition to welcome the Sun in the morning and say goodbye to it at night RITUAL, which I do most days and it gives me a strong sense of belonging to the natural world and it also offers a purpose to the day, I find. In the morning I am ready to open myself up to whatever a day would bring, I go about my tasks and musings with intention and focus and when it is evening time I feel grateful to have lived another day and feel blessings inside my heart for all the joys I had experienced and challenges I had overcome. It can be a sort of meditation morning and evening, a daily practice, which roots us in where we are and what we are doing. I adore going out every morning into my garden whatever the weather, the first thing after waking. At night I often bow to the setting Sun and the rising Moon sometimes. It feel sacred, peaceful and meaningful.

For inspiration and devotionals, as part of your rituals and practice I recommend this book containing beautiful musings Celtic Devotional, Daily Prayers and Blessings by Caitlin Matthews 

It is January and the Sun today is bright and glorious. Winter Sun, I find, is not necessarily warming, but illuminating of senses, invigorating of energy within. It takes the film off my sight, so to speak, and clears my senses and I am able to gaze into it with clarity. Instead of Fire energy it has Air qualities to it – penetrating, alert, imaginative, light, and free-spirited. It has a spiritual feel to it too in terms of a visionary and intuitive, it is clear, pure, bright and inspiring. I am finding that I love winter Sun, which also brings crispy, frosty mornings and clear blue sky with it. The whole combination is so rejuvenating that I can never help myself but go out into the clear space of a winter morning. I like feeling a tingle on my face and warmth on the inside as I walk through woods and country fields. I can breathe fully and oh how life-giving it feels.

Image by Katie Still Jackson (Facebook)

Personal power word for 2017

 During Winter Solstice I connected strongly with the warrior side of me and the archetypal energy of The King Arthur. He’s loyal, devoted, honourable, noble, has humility, just, fair, super brave, protector and nurturer of his kingdom and people. He’s been coming to me for a few weeks before Yule and I was called to visit Glastonbury Tor, a place I never thought of yet the message was so clear I had to go. Following callings of the land is something I do openly and easily now in my spiritual practice. It always pays off and makes sense when I merge with energies that summon me. 
  
    
 Winter is a masculine energy season for me. It is about colour red and Fire element qualities – vibrant, dynamic, passionate and action-driven. It is about setting goals to benefit my growth in service of my life and those around me. I connect with the noble young king within. The night before Yule he came to me in a dream and with a passionate kiss he proclaimed his commitment to the land and his life purpose of protecting weak and vulnerable, to fight against injustice and honour all those that came before him, carrying on the legacy of warriors of his Kingdom.

The word WIN came to me while sitting outside looking over a field which stretches beyond my garden. I saw sticks of a tree painting letter W in the misty atmosphere of the morning. It felt complete, clear and felt in the body. I saw a knight on horseback in red cape galloping away from the site. 

I have been aligning with my desire for a certain job, which has felt like destiny for a few years and the feeling is that 2017 is a portal for manifesting that desire. Exciting. 
Win with your heart and intention alongside doubts and fears, win not over them but with them, win together what is meant for you, for your home and family. Win with your abilities and skills, your passion and love for the land and the people. Win so you can give, spread the light further. Win with hard work and dedication and razor sharp focus on what’s meant to be in my grasp. 

Win through learning, relating, engaging and connecting with all that is available. Win through the open heart of dedication to the craft and love for nature. 
Win, win, win not against something but for something and with something. Everyone is a winner when done with pure heart intention, leadership, honesty, integrity and empathetic relating to yourself and others. 

What’s your power word for 2017? 

Healing powers of the Land and music

Anxiety and panic attacks struck me like an unexpected dark storm and my ground began to slide from under my feet. I found myself in a ball of terror unable to go out and without a voice. I was scared to cry, my chest was constricted and tight. There was fear in the whole of my being.

I felt sadness and grief, but no ability to express it, which is directly linked for me with past trauma. I seem to be hooking into this position for a few years running now about this time of year where such energy becomes dense and concentrated and just strikes me motionless and paralyses all life within me. This is also linked to freedom, family obligations, which in no way align with what I believe in and grief and death, which again don’t really belong to me. In this darkness I seem to be unable to find that light, which contradicts the season and what I should be doing.

I guess what I am describing is a sort of hijacking of my ‘light’ and feeling imprisoned by all things irrelevant and hurtful to me. I am beginning of think that changes must occur and, perhaps, this is going to be the biggest challenge yet for me to transform this insight into a reality where I feel contained and safe. I sure don’t want to experience this again come next year. There is work to do.

We are approaching Yule and I have always loved this festival and I love the darkness but in a different way, in a way of needing to go deeper willingly, not being hijacked by stuff irrelevant, and in that sense being stopped from going deeper on my own terms, in my own time, I suppose. This stuff seems to want to keep me on the surface, on a level filled with fear and immobility devoid of heart feeling. My darkness understanding is the opposite yet I can’t seem to get there for I have to deal with stuff that hits me in the face and demands not just my attention but it demands me being in prison and silenced.

Yesterday I was unable to leave my bed after a sleepless night filled with episodes of anxious unrest and fear. My chest felt like a stone, stuck within a place where it felt like my heart would stop beating any minute. Love was draining out of me and anger was present, tears wouldn’t come and breath was barely present. Trapped.

Lying under my blanket I was desperate for a solution, for some hope I would be ok again. I must mention that these attacks are recent phenomenon, even though they began a few years back, they don’t come often, but in recent years becoming frequent and that is how I am able to recognise it now well. I plugged into music (below) and began my journey. I always remember one thing with trauma is a finding a safe place and I began my search allowing surrender to come in.

MUSIC 

As music played I began slowly connecting with my Warrior self. I realised how grounding, Fire energy type music taps into some strength and reassurance within me. I step outside of my body and witness myself out there. It is like looking into a mirror to see yourself from an aspect, which is most needed. This links closely to the personality model of the elements and this one is a Fire side of me, which is in a balanced and healthy state. I notice my breathing changing and I become more engaged with surroundings.

I see myself on the shores of Loch Drummond, exactly here (images below) looking over the view from above and breathing the air deeply into my lungs. The music connected me to the beating of my own heart and I feel myself collecting my senses into a form that is closer to whole.

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Queen’s View, Loch Tummel

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Looking over Loch Tummel

In the next scene I am on my knees on the shore of Loch Tay praying to the element of water, which is so powerful I am in awe of the scenery and my heart beats more and more love into myself and out into the lake.

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Loch Tay, Perthshire, Scotland

On the shores of Lake Laggan as I stand up to my knees in the water tears come and music changes into this MUSIC   I connect with Water element of emotions looking deep within dark waters of the lake.

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Loch Laggan, Highlands, Scotland

I cry and sob and feel myself finally coming into my body as I become aware of my chest rising and falling with each tear and moan within me. It feels good and releasing.

With emotion also comes that deepest yearning for the land within me that I know so well. In this case it became unbearable, which helped the tears come in outbursts of screams and sobs as if my body needed to be ‘scolded’  from inside out. Intensity of emotion opened up my heart and in that deep love of the land within me healing came, release came. I merged with the aspect of myself that is pure, grounded, simple and peaceful. It is that spirit of the land within me that held my hand reassuring my being for I am ok, I will be. I came to my safe place, to the land where my spirit unchanged and untouched lives always and forever. This journey meant so much to me and it was so powerful I am deeply touched by my own inner spirit and wisdom that can guide me out of the darkness whatever happens.

On reflection I can truly say that nothing ever worked as well as the above did in reawakening my heart back to life.

Music by:
Relaxing Nordic/Viking Music – Ótroðinn (Adrian von Ziegler)
The Mermaids Tears (Jeff Victor)
Photos copyright: taken by Raw Pagan (Natalia Clarke) 
Header image: http://crianlarich-hotel.co.uk/

Releasing at waning moon 

  When we talk of releasing, letting go, cleansing out and ending something it is assumed we want rid of something, but that sounds one dimensional in a way. Releasing something doesn’t necessarily mean we want to get rid of something unwanted, bad or negative. The meaning of true release and letting go lies deeper.
What we do want to engage along with a desire to free ourselves from something is a gratitude to that something we seek to let go off. We say ‘release all that no longer serves us’, which always implies that at one point or another, perhaps, for a long time, perhaps, all our lives, that something/someone served us well. It might have helped us to servive, to cope. Perhaps, it needed to be there to facilitate our learning, our exploration of the world and ourselves ultimately. We needed that something to be with us. When we release at waning moon we don’t seek to throw away and banish, but we clear a space for something new to come in and we say deep thanks to that, which did serve us well at one point but no longer does. At that point it becomes clear that it limits and locks our further development and for that reason it is time we released it, let it go.

Releasing, waning moon spells are simple yet very powerful if in context of what it is that you are doing. Every ritual/spell casting time is sacred and intention is clear. 

The Fire element is often associated with releasing/letting go spells, as Fire energy is pure transformational form when when you throw something into flames something else comes out of it. In this case a new you, a new space is created when something dies and something is born at the same time within you. 

Other simple releasing elements are Earth, Air and Water and you can use whatever calls to you at a given moment. You might choose to release a feather into the wind or water or bury some ash in the ground. Listen hard to what your intuition directs you to regarding your releasing work. Follow with courage and reassurance that it is the right thing for you.

Magic is a tool, which allows us to use natural forces to create desires effect and if performed with senserity and integrity in the heart, it is powerful work to which there is always a powerful response is produced. 

Remember be grateful for whatever had served us and release it with love and understanding, appreciation and gratitude for the growth it did facilitate in you or for the shelter it did provide for your wounded soul at one time or another. Teachers come in different forms and often something/someone  we are not keen on prove to be the most valuable participants in our journey to spirit.

Blessings!