From wounded to confident – journey continues…

Maiden on Beltane No other month, I find, triggers me into sorrow and anger more than May and I have been coming into awareness why over the last two years. Beltane is always a trigger. I have been working with balancing feminine and masculine for the last few years. Bringing the feminine forth and learning how to be that and balancing the deeply distorted masculine, which lived within for so long, but didn’t work within my ‘female’ soft being. I now connect well to the feminine, strong, soft and vulnerable, wise and compassionate, yet masculine, although missing violent, aggressive and abusive side, is yet to be redefined within me. This is one of the posts that I suspect I am yet to write about the process of connecting with the Divine feminine and masculine.

This year my Maiden appears different. I suspect it happened as a result of me coming into the energy more and way deeper than before. Maiden within has been going through a transformation quietly, but with strong assured energy of knowing what was needed. I realised it has been happening deeply in the under-layers without displaying, like a worker bee or a spider patiently weaving their webs or trees waiting for the blooms to come through winter. My Maiden has a strong work ethic and patience – what a revelation. From a Firy (distorted masculine traits), wounded, screaming deity with a tinge of someone being spoilt to a studious, steady and confident.

Dance to my beat – the Green Man said

She stepped slowly into the circle adjusting her flowing skirts and made her first move

He stood mesmerised by her confident posture and playful glint in her eye

He joined her in a dance of teasing and their clothes gently brushed together

He watched and waited without force or invitation

She grew in confidence with every step she took and walked over to him

Take me into your arms and spin me faster and faster – she said

He obligingly swept her into a sweet embrace and lifted her off the ground  into a joyful spin

Oh how they laughed and held each other in love and sweet union

Oh how they danced all night into the hours of dawn

This is all good and well, all that dancing and the season is all wonderfully joyful, but for the last few years Beltane had been a festival, which triggered me into old wounds of loneliness and betrayal. All energies masculine were seen as negative, abusive and disloyal. I usually spend the day sick in bed and wanting to hide. This year is not that different, as I am not willing to connect to the masculine as, perhaps, expected by the festival.

Well, it sort of crept up on me this year and even though again I am not feeling great within my body, which serves as a reminder of that old pattern, I am also feeling shifts in feminine energies. I spent the last part of 2016 and the beginning of this working on healing the masculine within. It has been a hard road and difficult wounding to transform and I am not there yet, but I know I am on the right track. I feel I have been gently led into Beltane this year. My Maiden feels confident right now and knows exactly what she wants. I also wrote this post about redefining my Beltaine, or rather focusing on other aspects of the festival. I notice how I spell the word differently in my post too HERE 

This month’s insights go even deeper and questions come up in relation to feminine and masculine deities. I struggle to connect with a masculine energy still. It seems to have no voice, substance or even a face or form in my awareness. It is empty at the moment. I begin to think about relationships between Gods and Goddesses, what does that look like? Beltane is about sex, love, marriage and relating yet what I experience is a separation on some level and I really feel it.  I am still unable to see qualities of the Green Man other than his function to connect with the Maiden. I wonder if the Maiden even wants that connection? I suspect she does, but, perhaps, on her terms and more in balance rather than a forced assumed position of what her purpose must be and what expectation of the season is. She’s got to have consent. I wonder what would be should she choose not to marry and get pregnant… what would happen if she rebelled? I suspect it is again about finding a balance, a compromise and not involve extreme ways of going about things.

I suspect this won’t be the last post exploring masculine and feminine and I intend continuing my research and experiences in this area.

 

Beltane 2017 re-defined

altar

This year is all about transformation on a level unheard of before. It is about renewing in ways completely fresh and bold, something that had never manifested in our lives. We are born in an energy of a great opportunity to change things radically, to look at ourselves with no excuses or hiding behind what is familiar. In many ways there is nowhere to hide and neither does it make sense any more. Masks and personas are becoming extinct and the spirit calls for us to embrace ourselves in what we have always meant to be.

Over the last few years May Day for me had been a sad time of hiding and illness, falling into a trap of a script playing out during that time over and over. Within a fail before or on the day there will be obstacles, emotional, mental and most of all physical that would prevent me from any kind of celebrating. A negative masculine would rear its ugly head and any kind of merging with a Green Man would become an ugly prospect. My mental state would become so bitter and angry at the masculine that a sight of a May pole would be a big ‘no, no’. This year just when I thought I was ok, having previously set my intention on not falling for the old tricks of my unhealed past, it struck again with manifestations in my internal and external life where masculine was not good to me. I fell into sadness, as predicted, but then something within me continued to fight.

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How love heals…

  
How love heals 

Through the body, senses and heart space love heals

As he lays his head on her trembling chest she melts into the knowing of peace, calm and softness 

Her sobs subside under the grounding energy of him 

Her love ripples out as she receives love 

the flow begins from one heart to another

They lay in unison of their connection 

Deep, solid, ever lasting 

As he lays his head on her chest 

They join in union of sacred love 

~ Raw Pagan 

 

 

The heartbeat of an oak 

  
It sure feels sacred standing against an oak’s cool bark heart to heart. 

When I leaned against the oak in the woods all birds suddenly awakened in harmonies and the tree let me into its heart vibration, which felt like a privilege. It was subtle and soft, different from a heartbeat of a human. It is duller and more distant and if it was a colour I would describe it as pale white. 

Its leaves offered me yet another comfort as usually touching greenery of trees refreshes and reassures me. This offering appears often in my hour of need I found over the years. 

I decided to practice my newly found wisdom of asking a question when in despair, confusion or feeling down and negative. What is Essential and what is Non-essential. I asked it as I merged with the heartbeat of the oak and the answer came. Breath is essential and Anger is not when it is in defence. It also encouraged me to let the arms of masculine to comfort me, asked me to allow myself lean on him, share with him, let him wipe my tears and carry me to a place of safety. This felt wonderfully grounding and reassuring. I noticed my vision clearing and my focus returning.
The energy that spread all around was neither a father, brother or husband like. And quickly I realised I was encountering the so far elusive figure of a Green man. It is something non-attached and non-identifiable in any way only in terms of energy he offers. I identify him as a male hence using he and him, but it is not like a father, lover or a partner. He is whatever you want him to be and I love that within this spirituality where however you want to relate to a given deity it offers itself to you freely as long as there is respect and gratitude offered in return. 
Here’s a picture of the Green man, which my eyes were immediately drawn to once I listened to my heartbeat and my inner voice renewed and strengthened by the heartbeat of the oak tree.

  
I continued on my walk with a gift of this new encounter and an additional knowledge that all is balanced in nature and whatever is needed is always available. 

Beltaine 2016 

  
My intention for this Beltaine is to redefine and reconfirm relationships to myself and to those closest to me. I recommend journaling, as I did this morning already, on what currently works and doesn’t, what needs are met and not, what is to be done and how you intend to go about it. Setting intentions during this season of relationships and intimacy is very important. As the trees continue to bloom in their lushness and fragrant amour let your connections grow stronger and more fulfilling than ever. Enjoy the feeling of belonging to yourself first and foremost and extending that love outwards, which ultimately leads to fruitful life all around.

Blessed Beltaine!

My Beltaine darkness

hawthorn-tree

Here is a revealing authentic post.  Beautiful hawthorn blossoms invite you into the lushness of the forest where the Green man is getting ready for the dance of the year with the Maiden queen. Colours are bright, senses are open in anticipation of the ritual and there is a smell of love in the air.

I am NOT feeling it and instead my whole being is enveloped into a sense of dark pain.

A week or two before Beltaine every year I find myself in emotional darkness feeling my body and soul triggered into innate trauma of loneliness and betrayal. I first became aware of this pattern a couple of years ago when I found myself wanting to hide and in ill health before and during May day celebrations, at a time when everyone is full of joy, vigour and high energy of union and vibrancy.

This year it is no different for me, but what I would like to set my intention on and realise this time round is that, perhaps, it is time to begin breaking the pattern, although part of my process had always been this year accepting and admitting that some things one just can’t get over. Interestingly that admission liberated something within me and now allowing me to look at what practices I could employ to ease the pain further.

I am a deeply wounded and scarred maiden during spring time and in no way looking for a union with the Green man or any other man. This season is bereft with loss, betrayal and heartache for me. As I write this I feel the energy within me very strongly, the energy of complete block to love, softness and utter distrust in anything remotely male.

If I was to visualize this experience I would describe it as seeing and feeling a tear in the skin, in my flesh. A wound, which would be useless to mend, it is completely torn. Mending it or, at least, attempting to mend it would inflict more pain on my being unnecessarily. What, I feel would work best here is letting it go, burring it, mourning it and focusing on the remaining flesh around. Effectively what it looks like is a place where I start from the very beginning, afresh, and create something completely new whether it is a new attitude, a way of being with the experience, a way to think about it and a way of relating. A way that would suit me and no one else. It is also a process of finding out what I can and can’t accept, whether I am able to hold a relationship from this point on and whether I actually need one and if I do, what would it look like.

Other very strong emotions associated with this time of year is love and loneliness – my major wounding places, and this innate sadness and melancholy that I carry around and especially in relation to those things. When I was hurt I was very young and the pain of that betrayal had been the worst emotional and physical pain I have experienced so far. I could physically feel my heart breaking in that moment and my innocence leaving me with my breath, which I felt was going to kill me.

It is great for me to know, accept and admit this pattern of complex interrelationships within my life and my psyche based on my experiences and begin to contemplate a way forward, building a new path for myself, which has a new flavour, colour and texture to it. I feel I need to perform a burial and witness a rebirth of something.  These awareness will translate into my creating an altar this Beltaine representing my intention for this season and the next few month. I might even do some LOVE magic for myself and generally for surrounding areas of my life including people closest to me.

Will I be making love to the Green man and integrating him, I don’t think so, not yet, as redefining my inner masculine is work in progress and I am not looking to merge with anything or anyone till I know what would serve me the best. The Green man is a figure for me to explore more, for sure, as interestingly enough it is quite vague and undefined for me, almost empty compared to the Goddess or other deities within the Wheel of the Year. He is not strong enough, which is my projection on the masculine in general for me generally where in my anger I labelled ‘male’ weak and unnecessary. I banished it into the shadow. Perhaps, working with that anger using Fire might ease some of the growing resentment in my flesh and psyche.

What is present also is a sense of realism, with which comes a sense of hope in the ultimate goodness of the universe and my belief that everything happens for my highest good. I walk the walk of the Goddess through the seasons with delicious awareness of the light and dark of my experience and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Blessings!