The world’s gone mad… even more 2017

Below is something I wrote back in 2015 around this time of year and what I am observing is that I am beginning to step into the Fire energy around this time of year – Winter for me, unlike for many, is a time of productivity and Fire. It brings up feelings of injustice, crime against what’s good, fight against consumerism and robot-like relating to the front. What I wrote back then I am feeling again today all over my body, acutely present in my awareness and every day interactions and experiences. It feels like an overwhelm of madness of the world and everywhere I look or listen to I am slapped with it and it is not getting any better year by year.

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Today I literally feel the ‘madness’ of the world like it is sitting in my front room screwed up in pain and desperation. It is potent and it smells bad. There is disintegration that is happening within its consciousness that feels like madness and when madness occurs all boundaries are blurred and that is when it becomes dangerous, out of control. It has no longer anything more to lose, so it is released into its own destruction. I never felt it this strong before and its presence is felt in my body everywhere. I want to cry, I want to run, I want to stay and cry some more. Conflicting, overwhelming emotions running through every cell.

Today I suddenly understand my father’s struggle with the world, his anger and disappointment with the way things are. I understand it through feeling it all over my emotional body.

I feel the Earth barely holding it together. The world is going mad. Separation is a big factor, too much division while everyone trying to make sense of things. There is another way, there is only one way, I feel that can heal. It is LOVE, it has always been love, and nothing is as strong as that. We are all able to feel it, we all know it, but the problem is that many have forgotten understandably so, as love can also die a slow death, bit by bit it can slip away into places unreachable and that is deeply psychological. There is lack of love and there is lack of consciousness. What we need is the will to bring it back to life and for those actively engaging with love daily multiply it as much as possible in whatever way is possible.

There’s a need for a collective ritual of some kind and a big group hug. Start at home. Hold your loved ones tight, let them know how strong your love is and let the vibration spread out there into the world. Tell your child you are blessed by their presence and joy they bring into your life. You are in awe of their beauty and unique nature. You are immensely proud to be in their presence.

Tell your partner that no matter what their sharing of life with you feels like a gift every day. Let them know that feeling as one with them in moments of intense love is the feeling you wish to live in. Tell them how grateful you feel for the lessons you learnt in their company and thank them for making you a better person. Forgive those, who are not able to see through your eyes or hear your voice or see your inner beauty. Let them go with the message of ‘I love you and forgive you’. Sit quietly visualising the light of love spreading through your body and out in to the world.

Love is all we have, love is the only most powerful tool that we need to engage here in order to heal that creature on the sofa in my living room. Only through giving comfort and acknowledgement to it we can release it off its torment.

Many blessings!

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Past lives reading

past lives

The mystery of my emotions holds me tight in its grip. It feels like it will drown and overpower me any minute I will run out of air. I am walking on the edge of an experience bigger than myself. It is present in my lungs and chest in particular and tears break out of me in uncontrollable sobs. It is grief. After years of wondering I am in great need to seek answers to my experience of the land I call spiritual home. So far no explanation offer itself to me and I continue to be tormented by some energy I can’t contain without losing myself.

Past lives is an idea that had been coming into my reality again and again yet I have always dismissed it. I do seem to understand the idea behind it yet I would say I haven’t experienced it, but how would one know, I wonder… Answers are not easily in front of us when we need them and with this, in particular, things that happen to us in our present are hard to explain. Are some of the things that we feel and experience now connected to lives we had lived before? This time I allowed a possibility of it strongly being an experience from my past life or several of them.

I reached out to my trusted Highland Witch I go to at least once a year seeking answers. What she came back with not only touched me deeply, but like nothing else ever did before provided a big relief and a welcome release. As I was reading my story from the past I was thrown into a life of hardship, love, loss, grief and violence. It was dark and felt very real. I could see that young woman with a child unborn inside of her, who had to endure immeasurable pain losing her young husband and being killed herself with the child inside of her. Her blood was spilt on the land itself and never in my spiritual experience had I felt something so strongly. I could smell the air on that murky damp day in the Highlands of Scotland and saw the blood running onto the soft moss and rock beneath my feet. It explains not only the feelings I have been experiencing for years while on the land, but also my responses to trauma and most of all my character. This reading I must say enriched my life and reaffirmed things I have struggled to place into context.

I am to take a specially designed ritual to the land of my sorrow to release the grip of my past and cleanse my soul in order to merge with the land in joy. Everything is finally clear and calm within me just like death was to that young woman. I feel peaceful for the first time in years and getting ready to take that emotional pilgrimage to the place of my calling.

Past lives readings and guidance, or regression, can provide many answers. I see it as one way to access material that needs healing and processing just like many other psycho-spiritual therapeutic techniques. land

grief and loss

Run away or stay

The urge to run away is natural on one hand and on the other is contradictory to our innate capacity for compassion and staying with pain. There are millions of examples of open-hearted compassion and humility from humans in times of extreme crisis throughout centuries, yet parts of us want to run away and not feel. It is always way easier to hide, stay in the vibration of fear and non-connecting than open up to all horror and sorrow of the world and connect to as much and as many aspects of us as humans. It is understandable and sometimes we do need to withdraw just to catch our breath. Sometimes things make us freeze following trauma. The most difficult thing to do seems to be our connection to ourselves. We no longer in touch with who we are and what we are doing here. Often we become ‘robot-like’ and desensitised to all that surrounds us. It is a way of avoiding the harsh and painful, the unthinkable. It is a coping way, when life becomes disabled. At that point hope is lost, defeat prevails and we continue as we were on the road to nowhere, not feeling our own bodies. Again it seems something that happens naturally these days yet what about our natural ability to feel again, what happened to parts of ourselves that feel through life and live through all experiences that life offers, dark and light. We have potential for all things.

Tragedy carries a vibration of shattered hopes, dreams, connections and explosion of an array of uncontrollable feelings that seem impossible to contain. Connection with others will help that, safe and accepting holding will do the job, unity in sorrow will provide a refuge from the attack of extreme emotions. Tragedy can also propel us all into action, into feelings and into becoming more ‘us’. It can potentially get us in touch with life, with our own beating heart. It is an opportunity to be you! Please take it. Please choose compassion for the world and yourself as a part of the complicated system of connections and human life.

Blessings to the world! loss

When great trees fall…

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When great trees fall,
rocks on distant hills shudder,
lions hunker down
in tall grasses,
and even elephants
lumber after safety.

When great trees fall
in forests,
small things recoil into silence,
their senses
eroded beyond fear.

When great souls die,
the air around us becomes
light, rare, sterile.
We breathe, briefly.
Our eyes, briefly,
see with
a hurtful clarity.

Our memory, suddenly sharpened, examines,
gnaws on kind words
unsaid,
promised walks
never taken.

Great souls die and
our reality, bound to
them, takes leave of us.
Our souls,
dependent upon their
nurture,
now shrink, wizened.

Our minds, formed
and informed by their
radiance,
fall away.
We are not so much maddened
as reduced to the unutterable ignorance
of
dark, cold
caves.

And when great souls die,
after a period peace blooms,
slowly and always
irregularly. Spaces fill
with a kind of
soothing electric vibration.
Our senses, restored, never
to be the same, whisper to us.
They existed. They existed.
We can be. Be and be
better. For they existed.

~ Maya Angelou

Back to yourself. The journey of 2016 so far 

This year many are digging deep into wounds that had lied buried in the unconscious for many years. Some are so deep that when asked our only response is ‘I don’t remember much of my childhood’. This is very common and no wonder. Pain we endured emotionally left many of us numb, avoiding, in a state of shock or dissociation and generally just coping. Humans are good at coping. However, it transpires that underneath all those layers of grief, pain, loneliness, dependency, addiction and pain lies a light, a divine light of our Divine child. What happened to it? Why have we given up on it? Were we ever aware of our own inner beauty, purity and joy?

If you cast your memory back do you remember being carefree, super creative and inquisitive with no sense of time?

All I remember is being alone, in what seems to be constant emotional pain, fear. Controlled, punished, blamed, shamed, criticised, undervalued, a nuisance, not good enough, silenced and ignored. Does any of those come to mind? What are we to do about it?

We must become aware and be completely honest about all our feelings. What we feel in the present when we react, get upset or feel panicked is a mirror to that original primal wound of our childhood. All we feel now we began to feel long ago, we learnt long ago to be a certain way. Waste. Souls shattered and fragmented into parts missing, split and lost. Spirit dimmed to a degree we have no concept of trust, what it’s like to feel joy or be in a relationship where there is unconditional love and acceptance. We cope.
This year we are faced with the universe making the way for us to begin our journey back to ourselves if we haven’t yet started and if we have the rhythm and speed is increased in a way of clearing our blocks towards our own light.

My year began with grief, my primary emotional wound of separation and loss. My childhood ended at five and I remember the moment in my body when I knew this was the end. There was no one to see me or hear me, no point asking for help no one would come. I became invisible and turned into a defended, frozen mute being stripped of joy and playfulness. Grief turned into a physical condition which scared the hell out of me and made me really look at how things manifest when left unattended. Self-love was needed, attention needed to be turned towards my emotions, not away from them. My inner child threw in the towel as continual denial of love and attention persisted with every attempt to reconnect. Hopeless and alone.

When on a spiritual pilgrimage this summer I failed to connect with spirit instead fear and anger was present with mood swings and desperation for freedom. It was a hard lesson in staying present with myself first and foremost instead of seeking to escape. One of my coping mechanisms abandoned me and it was brutal. I was required to stay firmly on earth sorting out the mess created many years ago by people who meant to caretake me. I understood well. I heard it loud and clear and embraced my state of brokenness knowing there was no other way than to dive deep into the dark cave of my primary wounding.

It has been a journey and I continue on a rollercoaster presented to me this year, but there’s now hope, light and more awareness that I know will guide me to places I need to visit within myself. I was allowed to practice my earth based spirituality, work with the land, engage in cooking and creativity. I was allowed to keep that practice having been told it would indeed keep me grounded and present. That came as a relief and a confirmation of my path being truly beneficial to my emotional healing. I feel blessed and hopeful and less fearful in the world that promises many challenges and struggles. I can do it though and we all can. Whatever it takes we will dig the light from within ourselves and meet our Divine child once again keeping it close this time forever safe and present.

Blessings!

The Emptiness of Death

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When someone leaves your life forever, never to be seen, heard, experienced or felt on no level, never to walk the Earth again or breathe the air or see the sky, it feels empty to the one left behind.

Empty to a degree that nothing seem to fill that particular emptiness. It is a feeling of despair and disbelief and hopelessness about anything that can be done about it. We can’t change death, we can’t rewind the clock to stop things from happening, we are powerless at the hands of the force merciless and sudden.

It is one of the human experiences that is beyond comprehension. We can’t make sense of it with our minds and when turning to our hearts the pain is too much and unbearable when we tune into that hole, that emptiness, that nothingness that suddenly entered our lives.

Cruel – yes

Unfair – yes

Gaping emptiness – yes

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No amount of reasoning, pleading, conditioning yourself to it is going to stop it in its tracks. When it is time, it is time. How does one say goodbye to that, in the emptiness, in the hole with no sunlight, just emptiness. How to be, what to do, what to feel – all and nothing at the same time. Overwhelm of ripping claws of devastation created by an empty space or frozen in that moment when nothing else exists, no longer exists and you are suspended between living and joining that emptiness.

The pain is sharp. If it was to be described in tastes it is like it suddenly goes very bitter or extremely sweet when overwhelmed with memories, e.g. it is all about extremes of either unpleasant sensations to the max or the pleasure of remembering to a degree it is also unbearable when feeling a hand of a loved one in yours like it was five minutes ago.

Emptiness, what to do? All we can do is stay in it, stay still and wear whatever masks are thrown at you whether it is sobbing creature rolling on the floor whaling and howling like it wants no longer exist or flooding in the ocean of tears till you can’t breathe or see and all sense abandon you in that moment. A road to realisation that nothing will ever fill that emptiness is a long one and it might take for the rest of your life to even begin to feel ok with the knowledge there is emptiness.

Does it transform into something remotely comforting? I think we do need to aim to transform it into something even if it is something we create with our imagination. It is powerful to feel and know that something or someone gone is gone forever. The truth is they are gone, what we are left with is a feeling, a knowing, a memory of it once existing with life and passion and blood in their veins and laughter in their belly. We hold that image where the emptiness is, we make peace with it, we carry it within us carefully hidden in a sacred space of the heart. We can always access it and eventually we will feel more love than pain, more warmth and chilled sensation of an initial emptiness. It is not impossible, but it is a long process of first and foremost of honouring all the feelings that dance around that emptiness in unison with your soul crying. The rhythm of your heart beats as one with the Earth and the lulling comfort of the Earth gives us a reassurance that within the emptiness there is a hope for growth.

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Reading while going through grief

Glencoe
Glencoe Lost Valley, Scotland

While going through a grieving process last month I found myself overtaken by a stampede of endless chattering of thoughts with an additional overwhelm of feelings. I felt I could not breathe, could not be, relax, feel one thing at a time or focus on one thing at a time. I was in a spinning wheel and it was terribly unpleasant. I knew the process of bereavement was takin place and the aim is always to let yourself feel everything. Often, as I also found with my clients, it is not the feelings that are the problem it is the constant chattering of the mind that is difficult to endure. It is frequent my client would say – I wish I could stop thinking, more so than I wish I could stop feeling. Interesting. What was happening to me was both processes at the same time – thinking and feeling and it was manifesting within my body in a way of physical symptoms and ailments. What I wanted to do was to escape, relax and be still.

What came to my awareness as I was searching for some relief and peace was the saying ‘escape into a novel/book’. I never really experienced that sense of being completely consumed by a piece of literature, my memories are more of reading because I had to read for studies, work, etc. I seem to have forgotten the last time I read a novel. I intuitively decided to test this out and began searching for a novel, but which one… I knew I wanted to find and wondered if there is such a work, which covered both my love for Scottish highlands and magic. I found the one pretty quick, which was incredible as if something somewhere guided me towards that piece and relief I was looking for. Trust your intuition I say, it never leads to astray, but always to the heart of what is needed.

The book was set in 1600 in Scottish highlands, Glencoe with a protagonist, who was a ‘witch’, a wild creature. What a gem, what a journey. This woman will remain with me forever. Not only I ‘escaped into the novel’, it connected me with myself, with my inner sacred soul pieces and that unconditional love that shines above and beyond.

Corrag by Susan Fletcher (Kindle edition) is a historical novel, which is based on real-life events, they say, during 1600 when Glencoe massacre took place. The heroin is such a beautifully wonderful creature it was pure magic to read her story and see the land she loved so dearly, as I do, through her eyes. She could have easily be me. The novel took me away into the land of my soul and I melted into that landscape as I walked the land with Corrag and spoke her language.

For those of you, who loves the land of Scotland, history, beautifully evoking, poetic and atmospheric writing, magical ways of the wild woman, unconditional love, deep kindness, herbs healing and humanness most of all – read this novel.

Here are some REVIEWS of this book that saved me from going insane in the moment of being gripped by grief and it will stay with me for years to come. I experienced that ‘losing yourself in a novel’ feeling. It also sparked my desire and enthusiasm to continue writing my own novel, which had been left unattended for many years. Perhaps, it is time to breathe some life into it again.

Please note that this book seem to go under three different titles for reason unknown to me. Corrag title is a Kindle edition and other titles are paperbacks

Corrag

The Highland witch

Witch light