When familiar is no longer working 

 When familiar no longer works you are ready for the next step, upgrade, adjustment.

I had an experience this month where I was left suspended in a vibration, which felt uncomfortable and unsolvable. No tools I have accumulated over the years could successfully be applied to that situation. I fought against it, resisted, projected my frustration onto external and that is normal human reaction when we are up against something that is problematic yet feels like it can’t be fixed. I understood my reaction well to that state as a natural push against something that I felt needed to be fixed or changed. Also to mention that surrender to a situation or a feeling state (one of my tools) also didn’t work.

In terms of elements, which I often use as a model when working with situations and parts of myself I couldn’t describe for the first time which element I was manifesting in my reality. That was the thing that really struck me as the elements always work for me in a simple way to help me understand what is distorted, what I am lacking and what needs to be introduced into the mix. Nah, not this time. There was suspension of all possible ways I have gotten to know to work for me so far in my life. I should also mention that my ‘magic’ seemed to have gone to sleep. There was access to that either.

I became curious about,firstly , what it was about that didn’t allow my known methods to work. It felt like there was an opening for something new to come in. I was meant to learn a new way, take a different step towards resolution and wholeness within myself. I was ready to engage with material completely new and it felt like there would be risks involved, super sharp mindful awareness in every moment and not abandoning myself under no circumstance, which simply only delays the process of learning and integration.

At this moment in time all I have is an awareness of the above having taken place. I am curious to what this will lead to. It feels like I am working through something on my way of becoming something new. Nothing is new within us, of course, there can only be something that we forgot or rejected perhaps. What’s coming up is more shadow work, I feel and whenever that happens I feel excited. Why? Because shadow work always leads to liberation, unleashing of what has been hidden yet can be used in a valuable way. It’s like fining a black box and feeling the excitement of opening it and not knowing what one would find yet it feels like home, you, a gift. And the work is to work out what that is.

I now remember feeling this way back in summer 2016 when all tools were taken away and I was forced to look at my physical reality manifestations. It forced me to get engaged with myself on a serious level, really look at myself in the mirror as the only thing available. I felt I didn’t quite get it that time and therefore, missed an opportunity to upgrade. Now I am being given the second chance and I am ready!

Always question how you feel, observe how you behave and what your thinking is like. Be with yourself always and whenever something doesn’t feel right stop and explore it’s meaning. It’s not that we are doing something wrong it’s about  becoming something new. Something is always growing within of us to be known.

Blessings!

Healing powers of the Land and music

Anxiety and panic attacks struck me like an unexpected dark storm and my ground began to slide from under my feet. I found myself in a ball of terror unable to go out and without a voice. I was scared to cry, my chest was constricted and tight. There was fear in the whole of my being.

I felt sadness and grief, but no ability to express it, which is directly linked for me with past trauma. I seem to be hooking into this position for a few years running now about this time of year where such energy becomes dense and concentrated and just strikes me motionless and paralyses all life within me. This is also linked to freedom, family obligations, which in no way align with what I believe in and grief and death, which again don’t really belong to me. In this darkness I seem to be unable to find that light, which contradicts the season and what I should be doing.

I guess what I am describing is a sort of hijacking of my ‘light’ and feeling imprisoned by all things irrelevant and hurtful to me. I am beginning of think that changes must occur and, perhaps, this is going to be the biggest challenge yet for me to transform this insight into a reality where I feel contained and safe. I sure don’t want to experience this again come next year. There is work to do.

We are approaching Yule and I have always loved this festival and I love the darkness but in a different way, in a way of needing to go deeper willingly, not being hijacked by stuff irrelevant, and in that sense being stopped from going deeper on my own terms, in my own time, I suppose. This stuff seems to want to keep me on the surface, on a level filled with fear and immobility devoid of heart feeling. My darkness understanding is the opposite yet I can’t seem to get there for I have to deal with stuff that hits me in the face and demands not just my attention but it demands me being in prison and silenced.

Yesterday I was unable to leave my bed after a sleepless night filled with episodes of anxious unrest and fear. My chest felt like a stone, stuck within a place where it felt like my heart would stop beating any minute. Love was draining out of me and anger was present, tears wouldn’t come and breath was barely present. Trapped.

Lying under my blanket I was desperate for a solution, for some hope I would be ok again. I must mention that these attacks are recent phenomenon, even though they began a few years back, they don’t come often, but in recent years becoming frequent and that is how I am able to recognise it now well. I plugged into music (below) and began my journey. I always remember one thing with trauma is a finding a safe place and I began my search allowing surrender to come in.

MUSIC 

As music played I began slowly connecting with my Warrior self. I realised how grounding, Fire energy type music taps into some strength and reassurance within me. I step outside of my body and witness myself out there. It is like looking into a mirror to see yourself from an aspect, which is most needed. This links closely to the personality model of the elements and this one is a Fire side of me, which is in a balanced and healthy state. I notice my breathing changing and I become more engaged with surroundings.

I see myself on the shores of Loch Drummond, exactly here (images below) looking over the view from above and breathing the air deeply into my lungs. The music connected me to the beating of my own heart and I feel myself collecting my senses into a form that is closer to whole.

loch-tummel
Queen’s View, Loch Tummel

1010397_10151814059596873_581644223_n

547139_10151814052146873_1157334844_n
Looking over Loch Tummel

In the next scene I am on my knees on the shore of Loch Tay praying to the element of water, which is so powerful I am in awe of the scenery and my heart beats more and more love into myself and out into the lake.

loch-tay
Loch Tay, Perthshire, Scotland

On the shores of Lake Laggan as I stand up to my knees in the water tears come and music changes into this MUSIC   I connect with Water element of emotions looking deep within dark waters of the lake.

loch-laggan
Loch Laggan, Highlands, Scotland

I cry and sob and feel myself finally coming into my body as I become aware of my chest rising and falling with each tear and moan within me. It feels good and releasing.

With emotion also comes that deepest yearning for the land within me that I know so well. In this case it became unbearable, which helped the tears come in outbursts of screams and sobs as if my body needed to be ‘scolded’  from inside out. Intensity of emotion opened up my heart and in that deep love of the land within me healing came, release came. I merged with the aspect of myself that is pure, grounded, simple and peaceful. It is that spirit of the land within me that held my hand reassuring my being for I am ok, I will be. I came to my safe place, to the land where my spirit unchanged and untouched lives always and forever. This journey meant so much to me and it was so powerful I am deeply touched by my own inner spirit and wisdom that can guide me out of the darkness whatever happens.

On reflection I can truly say that nothing ever worked as well as the above did in reawakening my heart back to life.

Music by:
Relaxing Nordic/Viking Music – Ótroðinn (Adrian von Ziegler)
The Mermaids Tears (Jeff Victor)
Photos copyright: taken by Raw Pagan (Natalia Clarke) 
Header image: http://crianlarich-hotel.co.uk/

Softness

t1ggrmysticsamsung-nx1100-csc-mirrorless-nature-outdoors-mystic-plant-dof-soft-softness-green-tones-light-shade-silhouette

The quality of softness is beautifully warm, healing, lightening and transforming. I first heard of it from my parents many years ago in the context of the quality being very positive and admirable particularly in a woman. A girl or a young lady with a quality of softness was approved of and considered pleasant and easy to relate to and live with, however, this can be explained due to the nature of patriarchal society in which ‘soft’ otherwise called timid and agreeable woman was considered exactly what was expected. I often felt saddened as a child and then as a young woman as I was not considered soft. I was criticised for not being soft enough. I, however, always felt soft on the inside, but that’s for another post.

Here I want to look at the quality from a perspective of being soft without abandoning or diminishing any of the other qualities and remaining in balance. What I mean is that with the presence of softness, i.e. Water element quality, robustness and grit of Fire element is not missing or Air quality of intellect is absent.

Softness is a spirit quality, it is pure, it is aethentic and intoxicatingly beautiful. I experience it in a similar way I would sense a soft skin of a young child or the 5th dimansional being in a form of a young Goddess or a delicate bird or a stunning small flower amidst a storm. I can think of many archetypes from different cultures, which carry that quality well.

I have heard references to a ‘softer’ perspective on many occasions since I first came across it as a young woman. When something is presented to us, which feels jarring and hard, be it a person’s manner or a conversation that results in us being hurt, we feel wounded, lost and under threat. I feel it strongly when someone is being unfair or harsh or aggressive in an exchange for whatever reason. Natural reaction mostly for many is to react, scream in pain and project all the pain we feel on to the other. Some circumstances might require that, but what if instead we took a ‘softer’ stance. This can be done in various ways. Firstly one needs to know what the quality of softness feels like to them and what it means. Once that signature is found and integrated one can always access it whenever needed. It can be done with other things like ‘inner peace signature’ or a ‘productive fire energy signature’ to name a few. These are like environments we step into, suits or hats we can choose to wear in any given moment when it’s needed. It is a dance between the elements if you like. We employ certain qualities to balance something out or help us move forward from a certain position.

Today softness signature was the one I decided to choose. I was hurt by a conversation with someone harsh and ego-centric, inflexible and cold. I found myself crambling under yet another attack and felt it was enough. I expressed my hurt and in order to discharge that imbalance within me I called upon ‘softness’ before letting my pain consume me. These days I choose not to. An image of a woman flashed before me as I sat down. She had a delicate face, pure white skin and soft expression in her eyes. This is who I want to embody in that moment. She reminded me of the healing potential of stepping into softness.

I sat with it, let it wash over you. Choosing softness is neutralising and calming and puts you in touch with goodness. Softness when understood and used in the right context is a good quality, it is void of extremes and very grounding. More than that it produces forgiveness and compassion for the other persons. When merging into a softer way of being, not only you can express your hurt and choose not to spill into unnecessary projections you can also open the heart towards another who needs it even more than you do, perhaps, in that moment.

Every time the hurt came back I thought ‘softness’ again and again until I felt my body lightning and my focus returning.

bright_softness_by_ellohine

Teal Swan’s Completion Process

download

This morning I went through a Completion Process by Teal Swan. She has been featuring in my life for a couple of years now. I resonate with her energy and adore her signature of vulnerability, intellect, compassion, pain and authenticity. I also like her writing style, which is always clear and methodical. Her latest book The Completion Process is very well written and I am delving into it at the moment.

Teal has been particularly present for me in the last month or so when my Inner child came forth needing attention, work and integration I showed resistance, made excuses, rejected the possibility of doing the work and wanting to hand over responsibility to someone else. Teal’s presence during this time synchronously guided me towards what needed to be done and signals only got stronger and stronger as days went by, more insistent with each day, which was clear to me that I simply could not avoid this and I must participate in my own healing to do with inner child in particular. Soul’s desire was and remains for that aspect of myself to be looked at. It is time, no more excuses, no more dragging this heavy load with me everywhere I go.

I woke up this morning earlier than planned and came across a video in my Inbox with a demonstration of the Completion process. I immediately went with it. HERE is the link. There was a lady in the video working on herself with Teal. I started listening to the process and found myself being able to go into my own process easily, sort of in parallel with the lady on screen. The fact that she was going through her process didn’t hinder me participating in mine fully. The fact that I was able to focus and work on myself while listening and watching someone else do their process told me loud and clear just how ready I was to go with this. It was the most intense emotional experience I had ever done and this is the truth. With Teal’s guidance I was able to stay with myself fully and on another level all together. I really went into the traumatic memories and feelings with my body shaking with tears and images coming through readily. It was such a wonderful opportunity I thought on reflection to be able to do something with Teal even when she was working with someone else.

There are no coincidences there are only pointers and alignments within environment, which lead to a solution or a possibility. Synchronicities. I have experienced this process in my life now for several years and I can say that for me it is impossible not to trust it and in many ways that is how I live my life now, with full awareness of what goes on around me and checking it against my emotional body every time. One might say it has become a practice, which now happens effortlessly.

I came out of the session with a sense of hope more than anything. A sense of knowing that whatever just occurred made perfect sense and that it hugely benefited me in this morning hour. Work will continue, but I feel somewhat braver, less resistant and more prepared to go places and be with it. What stood out for me in the process I had gone through this morning were the following words. See if any of those resonate with you:

  • Surrender
  • Unconditional presence
  • Calm
  • Softness
  • Joy
  • Flow
  • Freedom
  • Fragrance
  • Luxury and comfort
  • Sacred

It is like putting together pieces of a jigsaw when something begins to stand out for you in your life more, e.g. you notice you get triggered more often than usual or you feel in one particular way, e.g. angry, more frequently with seemingly no reason. Notice, I’d say, it all begins with awareness, follow that thread, because it is often a thread of feelings or events or interactions, which will lead to what most needs attention and integration. If you are called to something, follow that path, allow yourself to be curious especially if there is a feeling present of ‘this is right even though scary’. This is what happened to me and Teal’s presence in my world this past month. I am going to follow it further and witness it unfolding. There is a hope vibration and an opening that invites me in and there is something in this that says ‘there is only a way forward’.

 

The heartbeat of an oak 

  
It sure feels sacred standing against an oak’s cool bark heart to heart. 

When I leaned against the oak in the woods all birds suddenly awakened in harmonies and the tree let me into its heart vibration, which felt like a privilege. It was subtle and soft, different from a heartbeat of a human. It is duller and more distant and if it was a colour I would describe it as pale white. 

Its leaves offered me yet another comfort as usually touching greenery of trees refreshes and reassures me. This offering appears often in my hour of need I found over the years. 

I decided to practice my newly found wisdom of asking a question when in despair, confusion or feeling down and negative. What is Essential and what is Non-essential. I asked it as I merged with the heartbeat of the oak and the answer came. Breath is essential and Anger is not when it is in defence. It also encouraged me to let the arms of masculine to comfort me, asked me to allow myself lean on him, share with him, let him wipe my tears and carry me to a place of safety. This felt wonderfully grounding and reassuring. I noticed my vision clearing and my focus returning.
The energy that spread all around was neither a father, brother or husband like. And quickly I realised I was encountering the so far elusive figure of a Green man. It is something non-attached and non-identifiable in any way only in terms of energy he offers. I identify him as a male hence using he and him, but it is not like a father, lover or a partner. He is whatever you want him to be and I love that within this spirituality where however you want to relate to a given deity it offers itself to you freely as long as there is respect and gratitude offered in return. 
Here’s a picture of the Green man, which my eyes were immediately drawn to once I listened to my heartbeat and my inner voice renewed and strengthened by the heartbeat of the oak tree.

  
I continued on my walk with a gift of this new encounter and an additional knowledge that all is balanced in nature and whatever is needed is always available. 

A promise to Nature

08449f623fd60a1acd10f884fc6db1bc

If you believe nature is in alignment with wholeness, it is universal and ever growing, evolving and constant, then being in that vibration should literally take you right ‘home’, to the state of homeostasis and back to you. I believe this is the case through really experiencing it happening in my mind, body and soul. Nature encapsulates what we would call a holistic approach to life. It contains all the elements active at the same time. Energies that are present when surrounded by nature are pure, in a state of being and will align with what is needed for us at any given moment.

What I also experience is that nature can serve as a healer and also a trigger and this is incredibly useful for our growth and development, because once we are faced with a trigger and able to recognise it we are able to move towards healing. If we allow ourselves not to run away from emotions when we are triggered and stay with the feeling we are offered an opportunity to transform it into something useful and ultimately serving our development.

Nature is a great healer emotionally, no doubt about it, and when one feels out of balance within one or more elements and feels out of alignment, nature naturally flows in the direction of putting you back into balance. Apart from the emotional level of healing nature can be used to heal physically through a spiritual dialogue with what it means to you being part of the whole and what that whole looks within yourself. I tried something the other day when seeking healing for my fingers. I sat on the roots of my meditation tree where mossy cushions are scattered around it and it grabbed my attention. I love touching mossy beds, don’t you? When I touched it this time I felt this potent, moist and strong energy pulling my fingers into the Earth. I dug both hands in imagining my fingers penetrating the surface and meeting with the light that lies underneath. It was such an enjoyable and delicious sensation and I could have easily stayed in that space of receiving from the Earth for a long time. It felt so ‘homely’, soft and empowering that within my consciousness this narrative arose on the back of that wonderful feeling and it went like this

‘I promise you to take care of myself in a way I should with a soft touch and a deep look and acceptance of all parts of me. I promise not to abuse my body or mutilate my fingers the way I do sometimes when out of touch with the wholeness vibration, when I am in a pit of pain seeking to escape. I promise, as you look after me, I will look after myself in the same manner of respect, love and soothing care that I do deserve. You know it, so I shall know it myself. Thank you for mirroring the feeling of wholeness back to me, thank you for holding me in your embrace of respect and knowing. I promise!’

Being in nature restores balance, sometimes profoundly felt other times more subtly, nevertheless one never leaves a forest unchanged, I believe, or healed on whatever level that was required at a time. We go there for a reason even when we might not be consciously aware what it is we need. We do, however, seek something, always and nature draws us in to offer us her gifts of wisdom, healing and mirroring back to us what we are truly capable of.

Blessings!

How things can fall into place

Looking for a new perspective, for a way to move forward, for a way out…

walk

Things can fall into place in many different ways:

  • through being patient
  • through energies aligning fully with your vibration of need and desire
  • through creating an opening for something new to come it
  • through observing synchronicities daily
  • through staying peaceful within yourself and trusting that all is the way it should be
  • through clearing old clutter and releasing what no longer needed
  • through the dark night of the soul, which, once passed creates a new environment
  • through prayer and meditation with pure heart and intent on moving forward
  • through insights whether they come in dreams or another healing space, like therapy
  • through healing old patterns and addressing suppressed emotions and wounds
  • through being honest with your emotions
  • through facing shadow side head on with acceptance and compassion
  • through embracing and comforting your inner-child
  • through speaking the truth of the heart
  • Walking in nature. Simple, yes I know, oh so powerful and often all that is needed

Get in touch if you need some reassurance or guidance on your path CONTACT 

Blessings!