Intuition is invaluable when partaking in writing. Something I am becoming aware more and more as I write more. It often feels similar to magic when you simply know what tools to use, how and when and results just come together. It is the same with words, which come when one is tuned into emotions in the moment. It works when there is no overthinking and spontaneous leaps are taken in narratives. For sure you edit and edit and more edit as you progress but that initial expression is often the most powerful, in my experience. Some words seem to come from nowhere and that is so exciting to me when writing. The same applies to scenes and characters.
Just like I would intuitively know what oil to use with what candle and what Goddess/God/deity would support my work, I sometimes hear words coming out of me which happen to be just right for what I am writing about.
My tip is not to think, but to feel and listen and free write. I also recommend free associations as often as possible with images, nature scenes, trees, seasons, just allow for whatever is called for to come through. I think it stimulates and trains your imagination. It feels like magic and your intuition is your magic, your inner knowing that offers what is needed when it is needed.
Anxiety and panic attacks struck me like an unexpected dark storm and my ground began to slide from under my feet. I found myself in a ball of terror unable to go out and without a voice. I was scared to cry, my chest was constricted and tight. There was fear in the whole of my being.
I felt sadness and grief, but no ability to express it, which is directly linked for me with past trauma. I seem to be hooking into this position for a few years running now about this time of year where such energy becomes dense and concentrated and just strikes me motionless and paralyses all life within me. This is also linked to freedom, family obligations, which in no way align with what I believe in and grief and death, which again don’t really belong to me. In this darkness I seem to be unable to find that light, which contradicts the season and what I should be doing.
I guess what I am describing is a sort of hijacking of my ‘light’ and feeling imprisoned by all things irrelevant and hurtful to me. I am beginning of think that changes must occur and, perhaps, this is going to be the biggest challenge yet for me to transform this insight into a reality where I feel contained and safe. I sure don’t want to experience this again come next year. There is work to do.
We are approaching Yule and I have always loved this festival and I love the darkness but in a different way, in a way of needing to go deeper willingly, not being hijacked by stuff irrelevant, and in that sense being stopped from going deeper on my own terms, in my own time, I suppose. This stuff seems to want to keep me on the surface, on a level filled with fear and immobility devoid of heart feeling. My darkness understanding is the opposite yet I can’t seem to get there for I have to deal with stuff that hits me in the face and demands not just my attention but it demands me being in prison and silenced.
Yesterday I was unable to leave my bed after a sleepless night filled with episodes of anxious unrest and fear. My chest felt like a stone, stuck within a place where it felt like my heart would stop beating any minute. Love was draining out of me and anger was present, tears wouldn’t come and breath was barely present. Trapped.
Lying under my blanket I was desperate for a solution, for some hope I would be ok again. I must mention that these attacks are recent phenomenon, even though they began a few years back, they don’t come often, but in recent years becoming frequent and that is how I am able to recognise it now well. I plugged into music (below) and began my journey. I always remember one thing with trauma is a finding a safe place and I began my search allowing surrender to come in.
As music played I began slowly connecting with my Warrior self. I realised how grounding, Fire energy type music taps into some strength and reassurance within me. I step outside of my body and witness myself out there. It is like looking into a mirror to see yourself from an aspect, which is most needed. This links closely to the personality model of the elements and this one is a Fire side of me, which is in a balanced and healthy state. I notice my breathing changing and I become more engaged with surroundings.
I see myself on the shores of Loch Drummond, exactly here (images below) looking over the view from above and breathing the air deeply into my lungs. The music connected me to the beating of my own heart and I feel myself collecting my senses into a form that is closer to whole.
In the next scene I am on my knees on the shore of Loch Tay praying to the element of water, which is so powerful I am in awe of the scenery and my heart beats more and more love into myself and out into the lake.
On the shores of Lake Laggan as I stand up to my knees in the water tears come and music changes into this MUSIC I connect with Water element of emotions looking deep within dark waters of the lake.
I cry and sob and feel myself finally coming into my body as I become aware of my chest rising and falling with each tear and moan within me. It feels good and releasing.
With emotion also comes that deepest yearning for the land within me that I know so well. In this case it became unbearable, which helped the tears come in outbursts of screams and sobs as if my body needed to be ‘scolded’ from inside out. Intensity of emotion opened up my heart and in that deep love of the land within me healing came, release came. I merged with the aspect of myself that is pure, grounded, simple and peaceful. It is that spirit of the land within me that held my hand reassuring my being for I am ok, I will be. I came to my safe place, to the land where my spirit unchanged and untouched lives always and forever. This journey meant so much to me and it was so powerful I am deeply touched by my own inner spirit and wisdom that can guide me out of the darkness whatever happens.
On reflection I can truly say that nothing ever worked as well as the above did in reawakening my heart back to life.
Relaxing Nordic/Viking Music – Ótroðinn (Adrian von Ziegler)
The Mermaids Tears (Jeff Victor)
Photos copyright: taken by Raw Pagan (Natalia Clarke)
The quality of softness is beautifully warm, healing, lightening and transforming. I first heard of it from my parents many years ago in the context of the quality being very positive and admirable particularly in a woman. A girl or a young lady with a quality of softness was approved of and considered pleasant and easy to relate to and live with, however, this can be explained due to the nature of patriarchal society in which ‘soft’ otherwise called timid and agreeable woman was considered exactly what was expected. I often felt saddened as a child and then as a young woman as I was not considered soft. I was criticised for not being soft enough. I, however, always felt soft on the inside, but that’s for another post.
Here I want to look at the quality from a perspective of being soft without abandoning or diminishing any of the other qualities and remaining in balance. What I mean is that with the presence of softness, i.e. Water element quality, robustness and grit of Fire element is not missing or Air quality of intellect is absent.
Softness is a spirit quality, it is pure, it is aethentic and intoxicatingly beautiful. I experience it in a similar way I would sense a soft skin of a young child or the 5th dimansional being in a form of a young Goddess or a delicate bird or a stunning small flower amidst a storm. I can think of many archetypes from different cultures, which carry that quality well.
I have heard references to a ‘softer’ perspective on many occasions since I first came across it as a young woman. When something is presented to us, which feels jarring and hard, be it a person’s manner or a conversation that results in us being hurt, we feel wounded, lost and under threat. I feel it strongly when someone is being unfair or harsh or aggressive in an exchange for whatever reason. Natural reaction mostly for many is to react, scream in pain and project all the pain we feel on to the other. Some circumstances might require that, but what if instead we took a ‘softer’ stance. This can be done in various ways. Firstly one needs to know what the quality of softness feels like to them and what it means. Once that signature is found and integrated one can always access it whenever needed. It can be done with other things like ‘inner peace signature’ or a ‘productive fire energy signature’ to name a few. These are like environments we step into, suits or hats we can choose to wear in any given moment when it’s needed. It is a dance between the elements if you like. We employ certain qualities to balance something out or help us move forward from a certain position.
Today softness signature was the one I decided to choose. I was hurt by a conversation with someone harsh and ego-centric, inflexible and cold. I found myself crambling under yet another attack and felt it was enough. I expressed my hurt and in order to discharge that imbalance within me I called upon ‘softness’ before letting my pain consume me. These days I choose not to. An image of a woman flashed before me as I sat down. She had a delicate face, pure white skin and soft expression in her eyes. This is who I want to embody in that moment. She reminded me of the healing potential of stepping into softness.
I sat with it, let it wash over you. Choosing softness is neutralising and calming and puts you in touch with goodness. Softness when understood and used in the right context is a good quality, it is void of extremes and very grounding. More than that it produces forgiveness and compassion for the other persons. When merging into a softer way of being, not only you can express your hurt and choose not to spill into unnecessary projections you can also open the heart towards another who needs it even more than you do, perhaps, in that moment.
Every time the hurt came back I thought ‘softness’ again and again until I felt my body lightning and my focus returning.
This morning I went through a Completion Process by Teal Swan. She has been featuring in my life for a couple of years now. I resonate with her energy and adore her signature of vulnerability, intellect, compassion, pain and authenticity. I also like her writing style, which is always clear and methodical. Her latest book The Completion Processis very well written and I am delving into it at the moment.
Teal has been particularly present for me in the last month or so when my Inner child came forth needing attention, work and integration I showed resistance, made excuses, rejected the possibility of doing the work and wanting to hand over responsibility to someone else. Teal’s presence during this time synchronously guided me towards what needed to be done and signals only got stronger and stronger as days went by, more insistent with each day, which was clear to me that I simply could not avoid this and I must participate in my own healing to do with inner child in particular. Soul’s desire was and remains for that aspect of myself to be looked at. It is time, no more excuses, no more dragging this heavy load with me everywhere I go.
I woke up this morning earlier than planned and came across a video in my Inbox with a demonstration of the Completion process. I immediately went with it. HERE is the link. There was a lady in the video working on herself with Teal. I started listening to the process and found myself being able to go into my own process easily, sort of in parallel with the lady on screen. The fact that she was going through her process didn’t hinder me participating in mine fully. The fact that I was able to focus and work on myself while listening and watching someone else do their process told me loud and clear just how ready I was to go with this. It was the most intense emotional experience I had ever done and this is the truth. With Teal’s guidance I was able to stay with myself fully and on another level all together. I really went into the traumatic memories and feelings with my body shaking with tears and images coming through readily. It was such a wonderful opportunity I thought on reflection to be able to do something with Teal even when she was working with someone else.
There are no coincidences there are only pointers and alignments within environment, which lead to a solution or a possibility. Synchronicities. I have experienced this process in my life now for several years and I can say that for me it is impossible not to trust it and in many ways that is how I live my life now, with full awareness of what goes on around me and checking it against my emotional body every time. One might say it has become a practice, which now happens effortlessly.
I came out of the session with a sense of hope more than anything. A sense of knowing that whatever just occurred made perfect sense and that it hugely benefited me in this morning hour. Work will continue, but I feel somewhat braver, less resistant and more prepared to go places and be with it. What stood out for me in the process I had gone through this morning were the following words. See if any of those resonate with you:
Luxury and comfort
It is like putting together pieces of a jigsaw when something begins to stand out for you in your life more, e.g. you notice you get triggered more often than usual or you feel in one particular way, e.g. angry, more frequently with seemingly no reason. Notice, I’d say, it all begins with awareness, follow that thread, because it is often a thread of feelings or events or interactions, which will lead to what most needs attention and integration. If you are called to something, follow that path, allow yourself to be curious especially if there is a feeling present of ‘this is right even though scary’. This is what happened to me and Teal’s presence in my world this past month. I am going to follow it further and witness it unfolding. There is a hope vibration and an opening that invites me in and there is something in this that says ‘there is only a way forward’.
This week I am in North Wales surrounded by earth, sky and sea. Everything is in perfect harmony in nature yet on the inside there’s a turmoil, which seems to continue this spring.
I adore the land and its useful teachings and I ask for peace in my heart. I have climbed rocks and mountains, sat by the sea and today I am going into the woods.
The deeper into the woods you go the deeper the unfolding process.
The energy of the moss is one of the most delicious sensations I have ever experienced. It is my point of merging with the earth when I touch the soft moist manifestation of the earth spirit. It is what I experience as the high vibration of soil intelligence. It feels calm, comforting and cooling.
Another sensation which is wonderful to my soul is cool pockets you find in the woods where air is very fresh and still and the whole body begins to vibrate. That feeling covers all senses in me when I become aware of the energy rising from the root up to the crown and I become one with spirit.
I went through the process which, if I wanted it, would have taken me deep into the darkness and out high into the light again. I went further than I did before today yet not completed. The overall message was again that through allowing dark emotions to be one can transcend it into a higher sensation of peace and joy. A relief or a release is always guaranteed. One always finds a way of feeling better even if it might not be clear what exactly happens. It can be subtle or profound. Interpretations can come in, symbols might come alive or it can just be a sensory and emotional experience of releasing whatever needs to go or be transformed. This is my experience in nature.
The first stop was a fallen tree, which laid across a forest waterfall. I sat on it reflecting on its symbolism in that moment. A bridge across emotions. I contemplated walking across the fallen tree and across the waterfall and in my mind I did sensing there’s achievement to be had in taking on challenging situations full of emotions. I sat still acknowledging the metaphor of the natural setting in front of me.
As I continued walking tears followed. I cried while hugging a tree, which was gently comforting me. A striking thing appeared after – that tree was missing its top, it was half dead, one might say, yet it felt very much alive and no more or less part of the whole. I would describe it as a disabled being with the spirit very much alive and its softness was deeply touching. It held on to me as I acknowledged its endurance.
Woods kept pulling me in deeper and deeper showing off its magnificent trails and labyrinth-like formations of emerald branches. The moss got thicker and greener under my feet. The path got narrower and the silence descended with pockets of spirit presence whether through a pure water running underneath branches or gentle white light amidst deep darkness.
I began to run and got tangled in the branches, stepped into mud, got wet and decided to stop. The pull was strong, but I made a decision to turn around. A possibility of what might have lied ahead scared me a bit and felt at that moment in time I was not ready to experience it. That’s ok. We are in charge of what we are ready to face and where to stop. I went further into the process today than I did previously. It reminds me of a therapeutic setting with a client, just like I am often a client with the woods as my therapist, when you take your client only as far as they can go, one step at a time, one experience at a time, one process at a time.
I came back lighter, feeling more energetic, in higher spirits and overall calmer.
When you feel bad do you judge yourself, does self-hatred come in and grips you, do you think you are being punished and your self-critic begins to scream within? These are thoughts, conditions, reactions that you have learnt to have. When really your feelings are just feelings, they are not thoughts or persecutory voices, they are not behaviours and words you heard or seen mirrored to you in the past that you introjected. What you feel is neither good or bad, you just feel.
Feelings are messangers, pointers, guardians which speak to us. They indicate a direction you should take but often it is an invitation to experience something, nothing more or less. Feelings don’t last, they pass, they lessen and go away but only if we stay with them. We so not project bad or good on to them, we do not judge or seek to run away we simply stay.
I healed through learning to stay with some feelings, which I had labeled as monstrous, bad, threatening in the past. I wanted them out of me as soon as they came in, I despaired in moments of feeling something I thought was going to kill me. I once went within to meet a feeling in my creative imagination, which had a voice, a face, a colour. It was a monstrous dangerous entity as real as you and I and something I had wanted to die for many years. I went to meet it. Yes, I was scared, yes I was resistant but guess what I went there anyway with help of a good therapist who was able to hold whatever was going to come out of my experience.
I saw a magnificent beast, who roared like crazy and was overpowering in every sense of the word, but it held something in its huge and toothy mouth and when I looked closer there was a baby. This monster held a baby in its mouth protective, loving and nurturing. That baby was me and I was content to be looked after by the beast. That image stayed for me and will stay with me forever and I was healed instantly. I never saw my feelings as bad from that point on. There’s always a message, a lesson in something we feel is going to shutter us to pieces. Feelings of anxiety, panic, depression or sadness they are feelings and neither good or bad. They just are and when we drop judgements and conditioned responses to them we switch to being accepting and curious rather than threatened and powerlessness.
I would invite you to think about your feelings and apply the method of allowing holding faith it will pass. Feelings don’t last, they change, transform and go away when we stay with them.
If you believe nature is in alignment with wholeness, it is universal and ever growing, evolving and constant, then being in that vibration should literally take you right ‘home’, to the state of homeostasis and back to you. I believe this is the case through really experiencing it happening in my mind, body and soul. Nature encapsulates what we would call a holistic approach to life. It contains all the elements active at the same time. Energies that are present when surrounded by nature are pure, in a state of being and will align with what is needed for us at any given moment.
What I also experience is that nature can serve as a healer and also a trigger and this is incredibly useful for our growth and development, because once we are faced with a trigger and able to recognise it we are able to move towards healing. If we allow ourselves not to run away from emotions when we are triggered and stay with the feeling we are offered an opportunity to transform it into something useful and ultimately serving our development.
Nature is a great healer emotionally, no doubt about it, and when one feels out of balance within one or more elements and feels out of alignment, nature naturally flows in the direction of putting you back into balance. Apart from the emotional level of healing nature can be used to heal physically through a spiritual dialogue with what it means to you being part of the whole and what that whole looks within yourself. I tried something the other day when seeking healing for my fingers. I sat on the roots of my meditation tree where mossy cushions are scattered around it and it grabbed my attention. I love touching mossy beds, don’t you? When I touched it this time I felt this potent, moist and strong energy pulling my fingers into the Earth. I dug both hands in imagining my fingers penetrating the surface and meeting with the light that lies underneath. It was such an enjoyable and delicious sensation and I could have easily stayed in that space of receiving from the Earth for a long time. It felt so ‘homely’, soft and empowering that within my consciousness this narrative arose on the back of that wonderful feeling and it went like this
‘I promise you to take care of myself in a way I should with a soft touch and a deep look and acceptance of all parts of me. I promise not to abuse my body or mutilate my fingers the way I do sometimes when out of touch with the wholeness vibration, when I am in a pit of pain seeking to escape. I promise, as you look after me, I will look after myself in the same manner of respect, love and soothing care that I do deserve. You know it, so I shall know it myself. Thank you for mirroring the feeling of wholeness back to me, thank you for holding me in your embrace of respect and knowing. I promise!’
Being in nature restores balance, sometimes profoundly felt other times more subtly, nevertheless one never leaves a forest unchanged, I believe, or healed on whatever level that was required at a time. We go there for a reason even when we might not be consciously aware what it is we need. We do, however, seek something, always and nature draws us in to offer us her gifts of wisdom, healing and mirroring back to us what we are truly capable of.