Unbecoming 11/11

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Today I did something revolutionary in the name of freedom and what that means to me. I turned out a shiny, attractive job proposition, which on the surface looked like it was presented to me on a golden platter with all the right words, smiles and figures, but it lacked something. I sensed the falsity of it all, it lacked depth, soul, I might say. I could see beyond the masks of those sitting opposite me seemingly smiling yet the vibrations of impatience, irritation, hypocrisy slapped me in the face as I questioned them on each point they tried to sell me. Perhaps, none of that was intended and they were simply doing what they always do but I was different. I just didn’t buy it, I didn’t get seduced even though it tapped into my success signature, which is the happiest place for me.

Today I said no to a new shiny ‘prison’ disguised as a bright promise of riches and opportunities. It felt as if I was tempted into a golden cage, but my body felt twisted and tight every time I imagined being in that cage. The knot in my stomach and a heavy weight on my chest brought a sick feeling into me and restricted my breathing. I felt fear, panic, anxiety like before something deeply unpleasant was about to happen. I fought against it and as I stripped myself off yet another old layer I chose freedom. And as I said no to it I came into peace and a relief beyond belief. What other sign does one need? ‘Never go against the feeling’ – my father said to me today to my surprise. It was wonderful to hear him say that, which also meant we aligned on a much deeper level and what a blessing. ‘Never go against the feeling” is something I have always believed and knew within but not often said out loud as I walked through a life full of multiple cages. Now I can safely say the only way to know is to trust the feeling/ intuition and going against it equals going against the knowing of the soul.

I feel like I am unbecoming and remaining empowered on the inside. I also feel like I’ve passed the test of false and somewhat ugly temptation wrapped up in gold.

Only when you say no the real truth is often revealed. Something shifts and exposes from inside out, there’s a release and all the masks fall off. I want my life to be my life. I don’t want to sacrifice my soul in the process of reaching my dreams and dreams I shall realise one steady step at a time.

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A letter to myself

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I opened a letter today, which I stored in a safe place back in May this year. A letter from the Goddess to myself, from my wise-self, from my inner voice and spirit. I felt it was the right time to open it up and read it again and, as always, the timing has turned out to be just right for the messages, which go beautifully with the process of re-birth, re-integration, release and grounding in life.

“Dear Natalia,

Oh, why so sad, impatient, grumpy? Where is the light of softness? What are you being and becoming?

Help is all around you. Love is all around you

An embrace of your son. A reassuring chest of your husband.

I am also here always out and in.

What are your convictions, priorities, morals? What is the core of your religion?

You find and settle on that and you will find peace.”

This reminds yet again to take myself back to what I have right now and what is essential vs non-essential.

Have a blessed day!

Messages from the body

This week’s work is focused on and the first insight is about the physical body. As promised each week I am going to tune into a particular area for exploration with a purpose of gaining deeper insight and manifesting cleansing and healing.
Ideas flowed in this morning as I began my day. My intention was to make a set up for my work, first of all, in order to facilitate energetic, mindful and psychic work to come. Such a place would normally be my altar.
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As the theme unfolding in my awareness was to do with the body I wanted to include the four elements, as the earth/nature holds them so do we in our bodies. Incense for Air, bowl for Water, Wood for Earth and Candles for Fire and purple crystal for Spirit. We are one and my intention was to include nature into the work as I do usually. This allows for deeper insight and connection to myself and to the outside world. It is stormy weather outside today so I had to bring the elements in, which was sort of very relevant in terms of exploring them within myself.
The idea was to explore a particular habit/attachment of mine to do with food and look into whether there was an emotional signature that was stuck within my physical container. I did this with my other physical habit with great success previously. The work is to discover what need or emotion might lie beneath a certain behaviour. It helped enormously and really is the best way to work with any addictive or habitual behaviour, which potentially harms us. It is bringing the wound up to the light and healing it consciously and meeting the need that we are unconsciously trying to meet with turning to various activities and things.
This morning didn’t go according to plan and I do love it when that happens. First of all I noticed huge resistance straight away to doing this work and I noticed myself delaying and delaying and once I was ready for my journeying pretty much straight away I was pulled out of it and insights came in strong and fast before I even did anything. I found that quite striking as it was quick but so illuminating.
I was told loud and clear before I started doing the body scan that it is my broken tooth that needed attention and ‘haven’t I procrastinated enough about it?’ and why wouldn’t I attend to my teeth when there is such a clear need. I felt well and truly told off :O) and yes, why wouldn’t I? Is that a loving thing to do to ignore areas that need fixing in my body and just ignore it? I booked my appointment immediately and went straight away. The universe had an opening for me in the next half hour (what are the chances).
So, the insight is to attend to things that we are actually conscious of first and foremost before delving deeper into possible unconscious reasons of whatever it is that is causing us discomfort in the physical. Quite simple, right, but how many of us are ignoring what is clearly visible, felt and screaming for help? Lack of self-compassion, acknowledgement and self-love could potentially be dangerous not just to our bodies but our well-being on the whole. It felt very different for me as again there was such avoidance and resistance to my making that phone call regardless of how loud the inner voice was. I hesitated as I realised that this was not familiar for me to stand up for myself, so to speak, and how often I had previous ignored it. Earlier last year I would have been in real trouble by ignoring something very serious if it wasn’t for someone else pushing me to make the call. I know I would not have done it myself and I am scared to think what could have been if I ignored the signs.
Deal with what is manifesting, felt and present. What you are fully aware of right now in your body? Where is pain, imbalance, discomfort? Attend to that. Deal with that as soon as you can because why wouldn’t you? Why would your body be less important in wanting to be well than anyone else’s? We are used to care taking others, as it’s been looked upon as such a positive and valued thing to do in the society. Self-sacrifice is an idea that somehow would lift you up above and merge you with God. But what about you? Aren’t you as one with God and nature? If you ignore one you ignore the other. If we really think about it, it doesn’t make sense and it is time to shift out thinking around self-love and compassion and listening to our bodies is one such step towards well-being on the whole.

Lessons in the ‘neutral’

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Having difficulty in communicating? Coming up against conflicts?

Take up a neutral position. You might know it all, but you might know nothing at all. It is polar opposites that cause problems and when you notice you have taken either one or the other position you can bring your attention to the mid-point. What if you are about to know everything and know nothing all at the same time?

Communication changes when instead of engaging in an argument you pause and observe what your body is doing. Is it pushing and pulling? Does it feel uncomfortable? Stay with that without going either way and allow for energies to settle. Actively listen to the other, observe their struggle in that moment. Energies travel from one to the other in the moment when one is still the other will also begin to slow down. Watch it in action the next time something prickly arises between you and someone else. What is the outcome? Disengagement from ‘being right’ and ‘knowing it all’ will empower the other to slow their vibration and energies settle for both. It is not disempowering you it is bringing the focus on what is grinding in the moment. Speak if you must, but use softer language, pause, let the other speak, engage with a smile, a nod, ask for a moment to speak. Engage in exchange of equals where both come from a position of their perception. Let your attachment to outcomes go, actively listen and participate rather than dictate. See if communication improves and both engage in the flow from the beginning, middle and end. Let it become an exploration rather than a perceived outcome.
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Th greatest gift of all

photoA man walked along a deserted beach when he came upon a cave. He heard many stories told that the greatest gift of all lied inside it. With confidence he walked up to the entrance when suddenly the door slammed shut right in front of him and a face appeared in the stone covering the entrance.

The face spoke, ‘To gain entry you must have wisdom of the sea, land and sky’ and it disappeared. The man stood confused. ‘What does that all mean? I don’t like water, woods scare me and flying is impossible’ he pondered on what the face said.

The face appeared once more, ‘What you are thinking are obstacles your mind puts in your way, you are out of touch with your body and emotions. Within you lie treasures of courage, vision, curiosity and intuition. Go on your way and once you obtain the wisdom of the sea, land and sky, you can enter the cave.’

The man walked towards the ocean and sat down on the shore in deep thought. Suddenly a seal came up to the surface and said, ‘I feel myself breathe when I swim in the water. It is invigorating, freeing and soothing. When I swim I hold faith that my body is so intelligent it will not only carry me through it, it will also open up the sea world beyond. With breathing you can feel deep within your body, which is a precious vessel of your soul’.

‘My soul? said the man. How do I know I have one?’

‘By breathing and feeling the water, as you glide through its surface and depths, by merging with the ocean as one and tuning into the feeling of being in the body, alive and flowing. You have not been present with yourself for a long time and lost touch with what it feels like to be free flowing with emotions.’

‘That sounds beautifully simple’, the man thought. Walking into the ocean he began to swim experiencing what the seal described to him. ‘I feel my soul’, the man screamed in delight.

The man sat on the shore when a bird few by and stopped to tell him a story of its experience in the air and how when it surrendered to the wind and allowed for it to carry it the bird’s heart expanded in freedom and joy. ‘We birds have skills and much experience in flying high and low, but without allowing and being one with the elements control threatens to take the wonderful feeling of freedom away’.

‘What if I fall? said the man

‘What if you don’t fall? said the bird. Fear, control and lack of faith is what holds you back from feeling fully alive’.

The man reflected on what the bird said and became overwhelmed by a feeling of wanting to fly with the wind and to look over the world from above. At that moment a mole popped its head from underneath the earth and began describing what it was like for him to be in touch with the soil he lived in. ‘But it is dark underneath’, the man quickly started to protest.

The mole said, ‘When you get accustomed to being in the dark you begin to see the light, a special kind of light, a light that feels homely, peaceful and glorious’.

The man suddenly felt deeply sad and alone for he had not experienced any of the things animals talked about for a long time. So, he decided to become each creature for a day to live through their experiences and learn to breath, feel, surrender and being comfortable in the dark. He decided it was time he learnt the wisdom of the sea, land and sky and when he was done, he was transformed. Many years had passed and the man undertook many more trials and challenges to obtain the wisdom the face on the cave spoke about. And when one day he was passing by the cave again the entrance was wide open for him to walk through. There was light streaming from within. The man recognised it as that special kind of light the mole told him about many years before.

There was a creature inside sitting against a beautiful lush tree with birds singing all round and water running off the rocks as clear as crystal and things growing in all splendour of colours and shapes. The creature smiled warmly at the man and said, ‘Welcome to your inner self. You have come far by learning the wisdom of the sea, land and sky. The greatest gift of all is your own inner beauty. You are home now.’

The man cried tears of joy and his heart filled up with love and gratitude. He felt in a state of belonging with everything and everyone. He felt whole.

Raw Pagan

Growing up in a straight jacket

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In a straight jacket, gagged and tied to a chair. This memory of how I felt came up several times in the last few days, in fact, many emotional memories are beginning to surface one after another in the hope of being integrated. I have to be careful not to get overwhelmed by it. My awareness became acutely sharp to any feeling coming up in my body when I easily and quickly and directly associate it with a particular emotion or attitude, which I had felt before or learnt to do before. This is equally scary and liberating at the same time, just hope I can handle it at this fast pace.

Straight jacket restricts my movements completely. Not able to speak, cry, scream produces an effect of hopelessness and a frozen state in the body. I am gagged. When you are tied up to something while already in a straight jacket you know you are not going anywhere and that’s where fear comes in because of feeling completely defenceless and not knowing what will be coming next. This feels about right in terms of how I felt throughout my childhood. Granted I would never have imagined it being so traumatic if I didn’t take a path towards integration and healing five or six years ago now. It has been a process of unfolding, but I feel so far it has been circling on the surface and only now I am realising the depth of my despair and effects of traumatic emotions, events and experiences.

Many people say they don’t remember their childhood. Many of my clients brought that ‘not remembering’ state into the therapy room. It is an empty energy like a screen wiped clean, yet it is still dirty somehow. When this vibration of not remembering comes into a room there is a sense of fear and suspension in the air, ungrounded, not solidified, unpleasant. It is not surprising that this happens due to past trauma and forgetting is one way of coping with difficult emotions and events that had occurred in early childhood. It doesn’t mean a person doesn’t remember, it means they chose to forget in order to survive, but they do remember, their body remembers. It doesn’t go away, just gets supressed deep in our unconscious. Hence, working with the body often unveils a trauma and it can be a way into connecting emotions with experiences and memories of the past.

What has been coming to me in the last day or so, due to an overwhelming number of memories flooding in, is to sit down and do a timeline. It is an therapeutic tool where an individual maps out any important events in their life beginning from birth up until present moment. This brings awareness to any ‘stuck’ or suppressed feelings and awakens associations with certain events,  building up links with the present moment. This work should be done with careful guidance and unconditional presence of a professional, as feelings that come up are often powerful and must be carefully held and contained, so a person feels safe and comfortable being around difficult material.

I am going to do this myself and see how it transpires. So far I have delved into memories to do with my father primarily, but my mother also came up a couple of times. Different feelings are associated with one or the other parent usually, e.g. supressed anger – my mother, abandonment and fear – my father, grief is an overall feeling that seems to taint all of my traumas throughout my life and today I discovered that my grief is of yellow colour, which would explain my attachment to yellow flowers and subsequently my attachment to pain and suffering. The process is unfolding fast and I felt it would be useful for me to write parts of it down on my blog in the hope it might help others as well as myself to be able to keep an order or a storyline to it in one way or another. Breaking it down into manageable chunks, i.e. small blog posts also clears it out of my head, so I can continue getting on with my daily life. Writing is a powerful tool I have always used in my life and I highly recommend it to all my clients and people I know.

Much love

Teal Swan’s Completion Process

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This morning I went through a Completion Process by Teal Swan. She has been featuring in my life for a couple of years now. I resonate with her energy and adore her signature of vulnerability, intellect, compassion, pain and authenticity. I also like her writing style, which is always clear and methodical. Her latest book The Completion Process is very well written and I am delving into it at the moment.

Teal has been particularly present for me in the last month or so when my Inner child came forth needing attention, work and integration I showed resistance, made excuses, rejected the possibility of doing the work and wanting to hand over responsibility to someone else. Teal’s presence during this time synchronously guided me towards what needed to be done and signals only got stronger and stronger as days went by, more insistent with each day, which was clear to me that I simply could not avoid this and I must participate in my own healing to do with inner child in particular. Soul’s desire was and remains for that aspect of myself to be looked at. It is time, no more excuses, no more dragging this heavy load with me everywhere I go.

I woke up this morning earlier than planned and came across a video in my Inbox with a demonstration of the Completion process. I immediately went with it. HERE is the link. There was a lady in the video working on herself with Teal. I started listening to the process and found myself being able to go into my own process easily, sort of in parallel with the lady on screen. The fact that she was going through her process didn’t hinder me participating in mine fully. The fact that I was able to focus and work on myself while listening and watching someone else do their process told me loud and clear just how ready I was to go with this. It was the most intense emotional experience I had ever done and this is the truth. With Teal’s guidance I was able to stay with myself fully and on another level all together. I really went into the traumatic memories and feelings with my body shaking with tears and images coming through readily. It was such a wonderful opportunity I thought on reflection to be able to do something with Teal even when she was working with someone else.

There are no coincidences there are only pointers and alignments within environment, which lead to a solution or a possibility. Synchronicities. I have experienced this process in my life now for several years and I can say that for me it is impossible not to trust it and in many ways that is how I live my life now, with full awareness of what goes on around me and checking it against my emotional body every time. One might say it has become a practice, which now happens effortlessly.

I came out of the session with a sense of hope more than anything. A sense of knowing that whatever just occurred made perfect sense and that it hugely benefited me in this morning hour. Work will continue, but I feel somewhat braver, less resistant and more prepared to go places and be with it. What stood out for me in the process I had gone through this morning were the following words. See if any of those resonate with you:

  • Surrender
  • Unconditional presence
  • Calm
  • Softness
  • Joy
  • Flow
  • Freedom
  • Fragrance
  • Luxury and comfort
  • Sacred

It is like putting together pieces of a jigsaw when something begins to stand out for you in your life more, e.g. you notice you get triggered more often than usual or you feel in one particular way, e.g. angry, more frequently with seemingly no reason. Notice, I’d say, it all begins with awareness, follow that thread, because it is often a thread of feelings or events or interactions, which will lead to what most needs attention and integration. If you are called to something, follow that path, allow yourself to be curious especially if there is a feeling present of ‘this is right even though scary’. This is what happened to me and Teal’s presence in my world this past month. I am going to follow it further and witness it unfolding. There is a hope vibration and an opening that invites me in and there is something in this that says ‘there is only a way forward’.