Transformation after a dark night of the soul

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My experience has always been that transformation, upgrade, growth comes after a period of darkness of the soul. The darker and deeper the drop the more profound the transformation. It is, however, not easy to realise or get to the other side and comes with practice. There are often steps to follow.

The first one is awareness of light and dark within you, a true connection to both energies within your psyche. Both need to be known intimately, accepted, befriended and experienced. I frequently say that the best awareness comes from repeat lived experience and real life examples. Think of yourself in your ‘dark’ cloak. What does that look and feel like? Is there a clear image of yourself, in what voice and language that side speaks, what does it usually do, what its preferred or default way of behaving. Get to know it, notice, befriend and learn from it. The same goes for your light side of the psyche. What are you like when you are wearing your ‘light’ cloak. What’s the vibration and presentation of that energy within you? When you know both and can easily identify, recognise and connect with both you can navigate both your transformation and your dark nights better.

Another step in the process is to fully stay in the process and yes, natural reaction is to try to get out of it, change it, do something when we are in a dark place. It feels uncomfortable and painful. We resist, reject and want to strip ourselves of all that it brings with it, but even though it is natural to want to do that what if we allowed it to be? After all it is within us, it is part of us and it is there for a reason in any given moment.

Darkness and pain can also be comforting and safe to some of us and it is familiar to a point we get lost and settled into it. To me it feels like a dark cave where no one can find me. It can be soothing and reassuring. If it is so for you recognise it, explore your relationship and history with pain and dark places in general. Is there more to it?

Another opportunity when ‘in darkness’ is your unconscious will be showing itself through dreams more vividly. For me I begin to have profound, vivid, dark and nightmarish dreams. I always find those fascinating and even when unpleasant I find they keep my energies going. It is like stirring a caldron, a process of ‘cooking’ taking place in my unconscious. I get very involved with its content and open up to messages. This part of the process is valuable as much can be extracted from the dreams when in a state of darkness.

I find at this point in my practice that I know when darkness comes there will be light post-pain, post-anxiety and depression. One might say I learnt to keep the faith. In simple terms the only way is up. What’s needed here is trust and again it is another difficult point where we either give up (on ourselves) or manage to override our dark state somehow for the fear of never being able to come out. Never is a strong word, it deletes all possibility for change and it is an illusion. We all know that nothing ever stays the same and change touches absolutely everything. I strongly believe in the ‘Phoenix rising from the ashes’ transformation.

To reach the light we must be patient with the darkness. Not only we need to be with in it, allow feelings to do their thing in their own time, be graceful, soft amidst anger and desperation, be kind to yourself and your darkness. Needs that come up when you are in a dark place will be your usual needs, but amplified a lot and we need to meet those needs. Give yourself what you need in those moments through really listening to the voice of your pain and despair.

Light comes in gradually. First you begin to notice coming back into life through small things, wanting to connect again. You will feel your isolation state stretching into a need to relate. It is like a process of remembering your ‘whole’ self, the way you had been before going into darkness. You remember belonging to a group, family, your usual dynamic. You begin to want to get involved again in small ways, your voice will start coming back, healthy, balanced one. You begin to feel different, lighter, more grounded and less scared. Darkness has done its thing. It’s been and gone and by allowing it to be we allowed ourselves to feel what needed to be felt, worked through and acknowledged whatever that is for you.

I recently have gone through such period of darkness and all of the above was true for me again and when one morning I saw a big beautiful butterfly land on a bench next to me I knew the light was near. Transformation followed slowly with big insights, a strong desire for change and implementing things in a different way, adjusting behaviour and interactions. I also remained strongly aware of my needs, which through being amplified in the dark showed up more clearly in life. Through my voice returning I was able to communicate them to others more effectively. What followed was a sense of renewal, rebirth and upgrade into new ways.

Darkness is a great teacher. It not only puts things in perspective, it brings us literally back to life, more fully engaged in the present. I also find there’s a serene period of contemplation and a silent observation that accompanies the process of coming back to light. That is always very pleasant and incredibly needed.

We all potentially seek light and all leads to it whatever we go through in life and the most profound ‘come backs’ are through deep darkness.

When familiar is no longer working 

 When familiar no longer works you are ready for the next step, upgrade, adjustment.

I had an experience this month where I was left suspended in a vibration, which felt uncomfortable and unsolvable. No tools I have accumulated over the years could successfully be applied to that situation. I fought against it, resisted, projected my frustration onto external and that is normal human reaction when we are up against something that is problematic yet feels like it can’t be fixed. I understood my reaction well to that state as a natural push against something that I felt needed to be fixed or changed. Also to mention that surrender to a situation or a feeling state (one of my tools) also didn’t work.

In terms of elements, which I often use as a model when working with situations and parts of myself I couldn’t describe for the first time which element I was manifesting in my reality. That was the thing that really struck me as the elements always work for me in a simple way to help me understand what is distorted, what I am lacking and what needs to be introduced into the mix. Nah, not this time. There was suspension of all possible ways I have gotten to know to work for me so far in my life. I should also mention that my ‘magic’ seemed to have gone to sleep. There was access to that either.

I became curious about,firstly , what it was about that didn’t allow my known methods to work. It felt like there was an opening for something new to come in. I was meant to learn a new way, take a different step towards resolution and wholeness within myself. I was ready to engage with material completely new and it felt like there would be risks involved, super sharp mindful awareness in every moment and not abandoning myself under no circumstance, which simply only delays the process of learning and integration.

At this moment in time all I have is an awareness of the above having taken place. I am curious to what this will lead to. It feels like I am working through something on my way of becoming something new. Nothing is new within us, of course, there can only be something that we forgot or rejected perhaps. What’s coming up is more shadow work, I feel and whenever that happens I feel excited. Why? Because shadow work always leads to liberation, unleashing of what has been hidden yet can be used in a valuable way. It’s like fining a black box and feeling the excitement of opening it and not knowing what one would find yet it feels like home, you, a gift. And the work is to work out what that is.

I now remember feeling this way back in summer 2016 when all tools were taken away and I was forced to look at my physical reality manifestations. It forced me to get engaged with myself on a serious level, really look at myself in the mirror as the only thing available. I felt I didn’t quite get it that time and therefore, missed an opportunity to upgrade. Now I am being given the second chance and I am ready!

Always question how you feel, observe how you behave and what your thinking is like. Be with yourself always and whenever something doesn’t feel right stop and explore it’s meaning. It’s not that we are doing something wrong it’s about  becoming something new. Something is always growing within of us to be known.

Blessings!

Transition into light

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Do you feel it? There are glimpses of light coming into being through thick darkness within and without. As we sit in silence on the longest night of the year we feel the heart of light beating with hope and anticipation. It stretches its rays into new possibilities with a promise of warmth and joy. As we sip on sweet wines and fill ourselves with heart-warming goodness we are grateful for what we did have, have now and what is yet to manifest.

The end of this year has been hard not too dissimilar to the rest of this year and I will be glad to see the end of it. I feel hopeful with Yule knocking on the door and candles shining their way forward for me and my family.

In the last two years the period between Samhain and Yule has been filled with grief, terror and fearful heart, intense emotional ups and downs, physical health also suffered. During this period I found my wounds’ bleeding intensified and it has been harder to see clearly. A period where nothing seem to help to relieve pain and dark emotions, nothing is left but to surrender. It provided me with valuable lessons and insights into what patterns occur during this time of year for me and made me think of ways to change things, to integrate and heal.

Here is hoping for a change in direction, for a clearer view and a warm up of the heart with a new light being born. I feel quietly excited and in need to be propelled into action, creativity and immersing myself into new projects and possibilities.

This Yule I am travelling to Glastonbury Tor, a place, which called me. I wait to see what I bring back with me from the trip along with a sparkle of a new born light.

Blessed Yule!

Transforming with the cycles of nature

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Following the cycles of nature and changing seasons of the year have brought me much awareness of myself, the world around me and how everything can be observed, healed and transformed when one is prepared to ‘stop and stare’ and become one with what is happening at any given moment.

Celebrating festivals of the year has always been at the centre of my nature-based spiritual path. It provided such strong and firm foundation for placing me within the universe and making me feel as one with everyone and everything. It brought me peace. It is the most grounding thing I have ever done. It keeps me in constant observation and analysis of what is essential and what is non-essential, what needs healing and what needs to die. Its focus is always on the balance of things and with the changing temperatures, leaves on trees and colours of the sky one becomes aware of what is out of balance within. It is so clear and so touchingly beautiful when the feeling of yourself as one with nature transforms into an understanding of the deepest psychical workings within myself.

Yesterday, as I was reading a book on Druidry (something I am currently studying) I was struck with something that clicked within. There was a clear moment of something pure, clear and light coming through me. I often get this sensation when something grounds in my awareness and resonates with my soul. This year has been a challenge in every aspect and my seasonal patterns have been reaffirmed to me again, e.g. spring is not a good time for me, filled with emotional pain and rejection, whereas with the coming of autumn all is good again. It is just one example. The biggest pattern that I identified and solidified in my awareness this year is just how much the LIGHT has been missing. I wrote about ‘My light is in the shadow’ HERE.

Well, while reading about Druid philosophy and their strong ties with the Sun and light as opposed to the Moon and darkness, which had been mentioned in several sources I have come across, I realised why Druidry is now presenting itself to me as a chosen path to follow. I need to walk towards the Sun, from within outwards. I am now ready to be in the Light. I am also on a quest to find a Patron God, a masculine deity, which can guide me. I have so far only been working with the feminine deities, although recently I began experiencing for the first time the influence of the male God. On my witchcraft path I have worked and revelled in the darkness, which I strongly resonate with, perhaps, combining it with the lighter brighter Druid Sun workings might bring balance to my practice in an even more profound way. Therefore, my plan is, which I feel a lot of excitement about is to consciously implement and integrate what I have learnt over this year and walk into the next cycle, post Yule and starting with my favourite Imbolc in 2017 focusing on introducing my psyche to the Light and the Sun, learning to love and find joy in it instead of hiding away. One way will be focusing on all those festivals I felt less resonance with previously (it is understandable), like Beltain and Summer Solstice, e.g. and being the ‘summer’. This is truly conscious transformational experience that I now seek for myself and can’t wait to see what transpires. It will be an experiment to see if more balance is actually needed, as it might not be the case at all, which means something else will come forward and allow me to see what is needed. The first step is always becoming aware and the second decide to walk towards something that calls.

My woodland encounter with Deer Totem animal

Deer Totem animals by Raw Pagan


Deer Totem animal. Vibrations of the Earth and trees like a lullaby to my soul…

I was called to drive to a particular place this morning, a woodland I once encountered on a very busy day, which didn’t allow me to experience it fully at the time. Read More