Life and death as one

life and death

Not taking risks, avoiding what we perceive as ‘risky’ implies that there’s no freedom in our choices only a stagnant, familiar and constrained. Life imprisoned is like constant death anxiety. Surely the more death is feared the more we should embrace life yet we ignore it as if death is not present in life but something of a distant abstract idea, concept that is never to materialise.

Being free in life means being free in death, not afraid of taking a turn unconventional, perhaps, but something that calls us in the moment. Mistake, you say? That’s an instant regret about choosing freedom. That’s beating yourself up about having courage to live in the moment. There are no mistakes only a decision taken in the moment, a choice. How we take that turn is up to us. Will be go for it unconditionally and without attachment to an outcome, or cautiously with a degree of fear in the background. Both are valid to some extent and both are possible.

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End of winter Imbolc 2017

Imbolc 2017I sat on an early morning train to London feeling apprehensive yet excited at the possibilities that might await me at the end of my journey. I felt a slight smile touching my lips and became aware of a warm feeling within, which reassured me I was in the right place, at the right time. I continued by observation of passengers looking at their faces wondering what they might be thinking, feeling and where the train was taking them on this morning of Imbolc 2017.

Imbolc is my favourite Sabbat, which always feels fragrant with delicate scents of crocuses, tulips and daffodils to me. Snowdrops begin to poke their innocent white heads out of the ground preparing of the play of spring ahead. Those are the first signs of the earth beginning to wake up in the next few weeks. We are not out of the winter yet, but I always feel this energy of fresh, newly promised possibilities around me. I feel grounded in this day, which is particularly useful when today I am taking a journey towards exciting possibilities of working in a hospital with patients and other team members. It is all happening and there is a sense of disbelief that this is actually possible. The outcome of today is yet to be known, but I am filled with hope.

It wasn’t an easy ‘birth’, with a lot of people and energies completing for space and I found myself breathing into my heart with reassurance that whatever was to happen would be for the best. I resolved to being myself and presented with authenticity. It worked. I got the place and the manifestation of that felt so fast that amidst pure joy I felt overwhelmed by this new beginning.

Success and achievement is the primary happiness signature for me. It makes me feel expanded in all senses, full of joy and hope. I feel truly satisfied, a feeling I embody within myself. It feels good.

On the way back I reflected on my encounter with Brigit on the train and how real that was. She felt so present and free-flowing in her deep wisdom and knowing. I am filled with gratitude and love for the possibility of connecting to deities and their sacred energies if and when needed or called. Imbolc has been the most ‘deity present’ celebration for me so far when Brigit never fails to be close to me with her support and teachings.

Blessed end of winter!

Understanding sacrifice 

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I have rejected the idea of self-sacrifice especially after my being got fragmented post stepping into motherhood, which now is clear only came from a point of not fully understanding its meaning and purpose. It always felt like ‘what about me’? The position of a wounded part within, which always felt unseen and unheard, the part, which felt her needs were ignored and not met. Limited perspective.

It has recently grown into a wider understanding through looking at my mother’s life. I find it’s always valuable to look outwards for examples of self-sacrifice and what that shows and teaches us. There’s one crucial key to self-sacrifice and that is a firm personal choice and from there what follows is meaning making. They go together to be more precise.
On the surface it looks like she completely sacrificed her life for her husband and kids. It often begged a question ‘but what about her’. I am sure she asked that enough times herself in moments of despair and uncertainty, however, she always remained firm in her choice to self-sacrifice. We might ask why? And the answer is for the greater good, for better outcome all around, for happiness on a wider scale, which she could contribute to. It is her contribution to the wider good and her choice in sacrificing if necessary that carried her through life and, guess what, she remained happy throughout. It is from seeing others happy and content she drew her own happiness and contentment. That always remained her personal choice and one might even say her life purpose.

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Searching for…

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Searching for what I know not

The invisible, senseless, shapeless something

Grabbing on to nothingness of what’s there

Where? Here? Not now, not yet, not ever…

What do we search for? Meaning, fulfilment, purpose, love, joy, happiness? Moving towards having our needs met, things, adventures and people that make our lives full and our hearts singing, feeling useful and present in life, noticed, heard and seen. What do we want? We want to live and not fade into nothingness, that scary uncertain place no one wants to talk about, but let’s. It is not nothingness or empty when a life lived fully can be felt in our blood and expressed even in our last breath. Dying well, dying knowing and conscious holding on to love and vision to the last moment. Preparing to travel to places unseen and unknown.

Searching is a natural element of life, like a flowing river always on the run not knowing where it will end or will settle, but it does, I am sure it does and perhaps, then the flow begins again? Like trees stripped of their foliage every year come back to blooming again at some point. Trust, faith in growth and movement of life protects and comforts and it is jumping on board of the train seemingly running away into nothingness or river flowing into place unknown, it is that jumping into life that will carry us through and will lead us to whatever we are searching for. It is a journey of searching, questioning, which contains periods of peace and settled feeling, contentment, slowing down, picking up pace again. It is in the mixture and variety, colour and moments of dull despair and the darkest night there is life itself, which is the meaning of it all. Life is the meaning of life.

Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean-
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down-
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?

—Mary Oliver