grief and loss

Run away or stay

The urge to run away is natural on one hand and on the other is contradictory to our innate capacity for compassion and staying with pain. There are millions of examples of open-hearted compassion and humility from humans in times of extreme crisis throughout centuries, yet parts of us want to run away and not feel. It is always way easier to hide, stay in the vibration of fear and non-connecting than open up to all horror and sorrow of the world and connect to as much and as many aspects of us as humans. It is understandable and sometimes we do need to withdraw just to catch our breath. Sometimes things make us freeze following trauma. The most difficult thing to do seems to be our connection to ourselves. We no longer in touch with who we are and what we are doing here. Often we become ‘robot-like’ and desensitised to all that surrounds us. It is a way of avoiding the harsh and painful, the unthinkable. It is a coping way, when life becomes disabled. At that point hope is lost, defeat prevails and we continue as we were on the road to nowhere, not feeling our own bodies. Again it seems something that happens naturally these days yet what about our natural ability to feel again, what happened to parts of ourselves that feel through life and live through all experiences that life offers, dark and light. We have potential for all things.

Tragedy carries a vibration of shattered hopes, dreams, connections and explosion of an array of uncontrollable feelings that seem impossible to contain. Connection with others will help that, safe and accepting holding will do the job, unity in sorrow will provide a refuge from the attack of extreme emotions. Tragedy can also propel us all into action, into feelings and into becoming more ‘us’. It can potentially get us in touch with life, with our own beating heart. It is an opportunity to be you! Please take it. Please choose compassion for the world and yourself as a part of the complicated system of connections and human life.

Blessings to the world! loss

Space vs enclosure

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The debate started within me after my last visit to Scotland when one week I spent in the North with vast open spaces, wilderness mountains and the sea and the other week was spent in a tiny cottage in the woods. You can read about my experiences HERE. 
What I thought I preferred turned out to be something else and I was asked to consider other ways and it was a challenge.
Recently after spending a whole day in the woods and ‘overdosing’ on nature but not in a good way I was reminded of my experience in Scotland. It made me think further about spaces, my preferences and how things are changing for me as I continue on my healing and spiritual journey.

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How a ‘no’ can be a ‘yes’ in disguise

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What are your reactions when you hear a ‘yes’ or a ‘no’ from people in various life situations. It is interesting to observe how our bodies vibrate when we receive something that we ‘think’ we want to hear and how our reactions are when we are refused something.

We all seek feeling good potentially and would like to go in the direction of having a positive feedback from others. It makes us feel good. And that is just fine for as long as there is awareness of what our intentions, motivations, desires are in that moment when we ask for a ‘yes’ or we expect a ‘yes’. WE also need to be aware of what our potentially reaction might be should a ‘no’ come in. Can we handle it? Can we see the ‘gold’ in receiving a message we might not have expected. Can we decipher a message from within that ‘no’ and ultimately turn it into a ‘yes’ for ourselves without anyone or anything being attached to that decision.

I had an experience a few days ago when what I thought I wanted wasn’t in my best interest. I didn’t know that until I received a ‘no’ when my unconscious needs definitely wanted a ‘yes’. It is very useful to self-reflect post a situation, interaction or a turn of event and come to some sort of grounding within to ensure we are ok with what occurred and, if possible, to see alternative ways of looking at things, be fluid with our interpretations. I felt I couldn’t make a certain decision. My heart was saying one thing and my head another and I was stuck for some time, which was an uncomfortable position to be in. After weeks of holding the ongoing debate between my head and my heart I decided to ask for guidance from someone else. Another great tool I am discovering about asking for help and trusting others to lend a helping hand. As I was waiting for messages to come in and still trying to work it out for myself I went with my heart on impulse, or what transpired later, an intuitive leep in order to push things and get them moving and see what happens. I received a ‘no’ to my request, which I ‘thought’ I wanted to get a ‘yes’ to. The interesting shift that happened in my feeling body was a very pleasant relief for the first time in weeks when I heard that ‘no’. In that moment my decision was made. It was a ‘yes’ in disguise, a guiding voice of what was needed, not what I thought I wanted. My fear and anxiety subsided and for the first time in week I felt grounded and fully present in my body.

I thought of parallels of how this can present itself in nature. It is fundamentally about a contrast in energies and vibrations. It can’t be sunny all the time, right? Neither we wouldn’t want it to be, well, I wouldn’t. It is that push and pull between need and want. Nature needs sunshine and warmth just as much as it needs rainfall, frost, decay and snow cover. When I experience nature I am in the vibration of both, what we perceive positive and negative, dark and light and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I would neither avoid going for a walk if I am called if it rains. That, to me, means that there is something for me to learn from being in the rain in that moment, on that day. It might not be what I want, but it most certainly always what I need, as I often find out after my commune with nature. ‘Yes’ and ‘no’ work in a similar way and it is up to us to be able to receive it with wisdom and acceptance that it is exactly what we need in any given moment.

What I really want to zoom in on with this example is encourage an experiment with what it might be like to hear a ‘no’? Can you hold it objectively without being thrown into a space where it feels like a personal attack or rejection? Hearing a ‘no’ can tell us a lot about our thoughts, scripts and unconscious wounds we might be carrying that need a light thrown on them. We all like a ‘yes’ and there is nothing wrong with that, but a ‘yes’ can also be a trap if we are not careful. It is all in the vibration of how it is given and the felt sense when we receive it. What does it do to us? Does it feel like it lands in the right place or does it carry an unwelcome vibration? Drilling down into how it feels is helpful going from the initial impact to how energy lands, spreads and surrounds our senses and whether it goes away or stays in a way that feels good or bad.

My ‘no’ was a very strong, assertive and clear ‘no’, a ‘no’ I couldn’t argue with and it felt definite and contained. I felt so much better, as I could finally say ‘yes’ to myself after hearing a ‘no’ from outside. I turned inwards for reassurance and it was there, clear and grounded in the knowledge that a ‘no’ meant I could commit to the right path for me for now.

 

Accepting emotions as they are

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Having a ‘hate everyone’ day and what a curious place to be, I thought as i looked at a tree sticking two fingers up at me with its branches projecting back perfectly what I feel. I begin to wonder what this means, this place where connection is hard and unwanted, conversations don’t flow and feel like every word burns, stabs and spits into my face. Is it fear? Is it anxiety or is it helplessness? What does helplessness teach us? I automatically come to a ‘solution’ based vibration of allowing and surrender but is it what I want to feel or even able to today? Perhaps not. Sitting in the mud of your own shadow is tough but that’s all that I can do, if I further reflect on it, because trying to get out of it is not the answer, it only creates more ‘hate everyone’ and more anxiety and more resistance so I am back at surrender. Is it the right word? Allowing? How’s that? No… Perhaps there isn’t a word there is just a feeling that is present. It wants to be, seen and heard, acknowledged and not pushed away. I think, perhaps, like the feeling that decided to dominate my day is exactly what I need as a whole – to be seen, heard and not rejected. It is not separate from me and I am not separate from it. We are one, we are together me and I say

Be it the way you want to be
Flood my body with your murky juice of
Sadness, grief, frustration and disappointment
Be what you need to be and how you want to be today, as I am you and you are me and we are in this together in the place of deep discomfort and turbulence
When you want to roar I will roar with you
When you want to burn I will offer you my skin
When you slide into a state of freeze I will not try to melt you
We are whole, together and all is well in this day of negative emotion
As I wrote this out I feel better; much better feeling bitterness leaving my body slowly. I feel a reconnection to other parts of me, my heart and my power centre. I am ok.

 

How love heals…

  
How love heals 

Through the body, senses and heart space love heals

As he lays his head on her trembling chest she melts into the knowing of peace, calm and softness 

Her sobs subside under the grounding energy of him 

Her love ripples out as she receives love 

the flow begins from one heart to another

They lay in unison of their connection 

Deep, solid, ever lasting 

As he lays his head on her chest 

They join in union of sacred love 

~ Raw Pagan 

 

 

Fear signature – the process of HOW and WHY it manifests

 

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I have been feeling fear, dread, constrictions in the body, doubt, discomfort and not belonging anywhere in the last week or so. It intensified as the week progressed and when my husband and son went away for the weekend I was left on my own, which, to me felt good and bad at the same time. This split is not unfamiliar and something I have been working with for a couple of years now. It brings new insights every time and this time it was staring me in the face yet again wanting to be decoded and understood. Not an easy task, as I always felt that this particular ‘split’ was one of the major conflicts that was potentially stopping me expanding. It always felt very significant and powerful. I truly feel this one in my body, this fear of ‘going out there’ on one side, and a desperation to ‘go out there’ on another. I feel it deeply in my solar plexus and it is very strong and very real. Gripping, constricting, uncomfortable, nausea-like feeling, holding my breath, not seeing very clearly – all of these feelings present in the body at the same time. It also spreads towards my heart where I begin to panic, cry and struggle to catch my breath, as if the ground is slipping from under my feet. Fear!

Oh, how I struggled with the conflict of being happy to be on my own and all those possibilities to delve deep into myself. I have been seemingly craving the space. On the other hand, I feel scared, lost, restless and alone. It has a feeling of light and darkness to it, empowered and wounded, innocent and wise, child and adult. I again didn’t know what it was, but it was there.

Cards (Link to the cards HERE) that I pulled this weekend were incredibly insightful, in fact, this was the first time I experienced such forceful and crystal clear accuracy with a Tarot deck. It felt powerful, as if they were speaking to me in a very clear voice and I felt it was almost impossible not to explore and follow their messages further. Well, I tried very hard and this was part of my journey towards the insight I received at the end of the weekend. Read More

The wind, Air element and emotions 

  
  
The wind, Air element and emotions

It’s creative, bright, quick and relational. Good at making connections and creating ideas, more and more ideas in one place and then another and another. Goes on and on round and round and back again. Nothing is ever solid or in matter. It’s all in the Air, up high and clear. A bigger picture that is hard to break into pieces, it’s all expansive and enthusiastic at bringing the energy of movement. Dizzy, foggy, cloudy like but also cool and clear-felt, intellect coherent yet up and up. It’s a long way down, like a bird, but a bird can come down, so must Air qualities manifest in Earth. Ideas, projects, plans and directions one by one with the Earth assistance get manifested. As above so is below, one needs the other. The Wind and human psyche 
I reap through the layers of what’s yet to be felt like the body of a tree swaying in the storm so does my body aches with whistling holes of my being
Empty pockets get filled up with chills of the wind, 

The force cuts through flesh making old wounds bleed 

The whole body taken over by an emotional dance with hands swaying and limbs shaking, skin in desperation seeks to protect what’s within.

Eyes can’t see, mouth can’t speak, the psychic powers of hair get activated but fly out of control and all one wants to do is wrap yourself up into a safe hold, a warm ball of primal feeling of being in the womb.

Unfolding occurs when standing tall against the challenging element, facing it head on with the heart wide open and all exposed flesh full of knowledge and experience what’s been, done, gone, wounded, obliterated, empty and also solid. 

Fold and unfold, expand and contract. Life is one big dance with the wind that threatens exposure of what’s not to be seen and liberates us of any stuckness at the same time.