From wounded to confident – journey continues…

Maiden on Beltane No other month, I find, triggers me into sorrow and anger more than May and I have been coming into awareness why over the last two years. Beltane is always a trigger. I have been working with balancing feminine and masculine for the last few years. Bringing the feminine forth and learning how to be that and balancing the deeply distorted masculine, which lived within for so long, but didn’t work within my ‘female’ soft being. I now connect well to the feminine, strong, soft and vulnerable, wise and compassionate, yet masculine, although missing violent, aggressive and abusive side, is yet to be redefined within me. This is one of the posts that I suspect I am yet to write about the process of connecting with the Divine feminine and masculine.

This year my Maiden appears different. I suspect it happened as a result of me coming into the energy more and way deeper than before. Maiden within has been going through a transformation quietly, but with strong assured energy of knowing what was needed. I realised it has been happening deeply in the under-layers without displaying, like a worker bee or a spider patiently weaving their webs or trees waiting for the blooms to come through winter. My Maiden has a strong work ethic and patience – what a revelation. From a Firy (distorted masculine traits), wounded, screaming deity with a tinge of someone being spoilt to a studious, steady and confident.

Dance to my beat – the Green Man said

She stepped slowly into the circle adjusting her flowing skirts and made her first move

He stood mesmerised by her confident posture and playful glint in her eye

He joined her in a dance of teasing and their clothes gently brushed together

He watched and waited without force or invitation

She grew in confidence with every step she took and walked over to him

Take me into your arms and spin me faster and faster – she said

He obligingly swept her into a sweet embrace and lifted her off the ground  into a joyful spin

Oh how they laughed and held each other in love and sweet union

Oh how they danced all night into the hours of dawn

This is all good and well, all that dancing and the season is all wonderfully joyful, but for the last few years Beltane had been a festival, which triggered me into old wounds of loneliness and betrayal. All energies masculine were seen as negative, abusive and disloyal. I usually spend the day sick in bed and wanting to hide. This year is not that different, as I am not willing to connect to the masculine as, perhaps, expected by the festival.

Well, it sort of crept up on me this year and even though again I am not feeling great within my body, which serves as a reminder of that old pattern, I am also feeling shifts in feminine energies. I spent the last part of 2016 and the beginning of this working on healing the masculine within. It has been a hard road and difficult wounding to transform and I am not there yet, but I know I am on the right track. I feel I have been gently led into Beltane this year. My Maiden feels confident right now and knows exactly what she wants. I also wrote this post about redefining my Beltaine, or rather focusing on other aspects of the festival. I notice how I spell the word differently in my post too HERE 

This month’s insights go even deeper and questions come up in relation to feminine and masculine deities. I struggle to connect with a masculine energy still. It seems to have no voice, substance or even a face or form in my awareness. It is empty at the moment. I begin to think about relationships between Gods and Goddesses, what does that look like? Beltane is about sex, love, marriage and relating yet what I experience is a separation on some level and I really feel it.  I am still unable to see qualities of the Green Man other than his function to connect with the Maiden. I wonder if the Maiden even wants that connection? I suspect she does, but, perhaps, on her terms and more in balance rather than a forced assumed position of what her purpose must be and what expectation of the season is. She’s got to have consent. I wonder what would be should she choose not to marry and get pregnant… what would happen if she rebelled? I suspect it is again about finding a balance, a compromise and not involve extreme ways of going about things.

I suspect this won’t be the last post exploring masculine and feminine and I intend continuing my research and experiences in this area.

 

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FIRE element and productivity

Fire_EyeHow to become more focused, driven, motivated and goal-oriented for whatever task you are seeking to engage with and complete?

It is often quite a difficult alchemical process for so many of us to access that ‘get go’ feeling, to motivate yourself into doing something productive, necessary, exciting and important. We procrastinate, we distract ourselves, we kid ourselves that it will come and somehow miraculously it will get done. We deny ourselves a chance to explore what is underneath our postponement of life essentially.

Exploration is one way of accessing the layers unseen preventing us from propelling into a flowing life of action, feeling, engagement and fulfilment. This can apply to all life tasks from doing the dishes to writing, from fixing something to starting a big project. Some of these things seem out of reach and they forever remain in our fantasy of ‘oh, perhaps, tomorrow’, other things are ever so much more pressing, necessary tasks to be performed for a fully functioning life.

What do we achieve by digging deeper? We, first of all, allow ourselves a chance to find something out. We also allow ourselves to feel whatever needs to be felt. We put ourselves under a microscope and really see ourselves in that moment. That is priceless. Often just that one act of allowing and questioning yourself when something isn’t working can begin a process of unfolding and lead to some revelations followed by a change in behaviour. If we did this with all our hang-ups, triggers, things that stop us in our tracks and honestly just bring a mirror close to it to see what is behind that feeling that is blocking the life flow. Powerful process.

With productivity in particular Fire element is important. It is a manifestation of our driving force and inner courage to be in the dark but constantly driving towards light. It is about not giving up, but walking through obstacles and dealing with it one by one with understanding and acceptance. It is about honour and integrity and love for all that supports us.

What helps me to get in touch with that Fire of productivity when I have a project I must get on with, a deadline I must meet, a report I have to produce, etc. I visualise myself stepping into Fire in my creative imagination and witnessing myself burn, but with strength and power, enjoyment of transforming into something so bright that nothing can overshadow it. I become Fire, I fling my arms up and down in it, I feel the heat, I embrace the discomfort of doing something I might not want to do, but with a deep knowing that not only I can do it, I can do it damn well. I do not allow myself to lose focus.

On my desk I light a red candle to my right and I let it burn as I write. I feel such support and comfort in the flame burning next to me like a torch, which is constant amidst all of my resistance. I stay firmly in my chair and I focus. Through staying in that state, I begin to enjoy that powerful drive produced by the Fire qualities within me and I find myself speeding up, focusing even more and soon enough I am at the finish line.

Invoke Fire when you need to feel driven, focused, and passionate about something and concentrate on the end goal without an option of giving up until it is done.

Releasing Fire spell with a drawing, New Year’s Eve ritual/spell

FireMagic
Fire magic. New Year’s Eve releasing spell

I have been attracted to doing some drawing in the last few weeks and I have decided to incorporate that inner pull into my magical workings. Using creativity and intuition are very important to me, as I often find it is the best way to express whatever needs to be expressed in the moment and what can be better than tuning into your inner voice and following your inner guidance to create whatever is calling to be released, expressed or manifested.

Find a quiet place where you won’t be disturbed and what I suggest is just go for it. Some people find that they prefer preparing themselves for a drawing through visualization first. I go with ‘unconscious’ creating, i.e. putting pencil to paper without preparation or engaging with any thinking process. It is a process, which draws unconscious material out of darkness and into the light. It allows you to see what needs seeing in that moment. More on Creative/Active imagination HERE.

I continue to feel as I go along, I listen to where and what is appearing in my body, but mostly I let it flow and whatever is meant to come up will come up. The only thing I say to myself before I start is – Release what no longer serves me. It lets the Universe know what your intention is and energy will align with what your need is, you just have to go with its flow and create.

You can also produce a list, i.e. words on a piece of paper of what you wish to be released with a drawing, which symbolically represents each of those things on your list.

The Moon is currently Waning and it is New Year’s Eve. It is the perfect time for releasing, letting go, cleansing and ridding yourself of anything or anyone that no longer serves you or wishes to walk alongside you with peace and love. This ritual is very simple, yet very powerful and all you will need for this is:

  • Drawing/list or both you prepared
  • Cauldron to light the fire in
  • White, black or violet candle
  • Lavender oil burning (optional)
  • Can be done outside or inside

Prepare yourself with a visualization of your goals, needs and desires and set your intention holding your drawing/list in your hand.  Light a candle and place it in your cauldron. Roll up your drawing/list and light it slowly. Let it burn chanting

Let what no longer serves me

Fly away Fly away

Release me, Heal me, Cleanse me

Happy New Year everyone! Let the Goddess bless you and your families with joy, love, pleasures and delights, good health and success, peace and kindness in the heart.

Much love

RawPagan

Image source: http://www.rootsofritual.net/