From wounded to confident – journey continues…

Maiden on Beltane No other month, I find, triggers me into sorrow and anger more than May and I have been coming into awareness why over the last two years. Beltane is always a trigger. I have been working with balancing feminine and masculine for the last few years. Bringing the feminine forth and learning how to be that and balancing the deeply distorted masculine, which lived within for so long, but didn’t work within my ‘female’ soft being. I now connect well to the feminine, strong, soft and vulnerable, wise and compassionate, yet masculine, although missing violent, aggressive and abusive side, is yet to be redefined within me. This is one of the posts that I suspect I am yet to write about the process of connecting with the Divine feminine and masculine.

This year my Maiden appears different. I suspect it happened as a result of me coming into the energy more and way deeper than before. Maiden within has been going through a transformation quietly, but with strong assured energy of knowing what was needed. I realised it has been happening deeply in the under-layers without displaying, like a worker bee or a spider patiently weaving their webs or trees waiting for the blooms to come through winter. My Maiden has a strong work ethic and patience – what a revelation. From a Firy (distorted masculine traits), wounded, screaming deity with a tinge of someone being spoilt to a studious, steady and confident.

Dance to my beat – the Green Man said

She stepped slowly into the circle adjusting her flowing skirts and made her first move

He stood mesmerised by her confident posture and playful glint in her eye

He joined her in a dance of teasing and their clothes gently brushed together

He watched and waited without force or invitation

She grew in confidence with every step she took and walked over to him

Take me into your arms and spin me faster and faster – she said

He obligingly swept her into a sweet embrace and lifted her off the ground  into a joyful spin

Oh how they laughed and held each other in love and sweet union

Oh how they danced all night into the hours of dawn

This is all good and well, all that dancing and the season is all wonderfully joyful, but for the last few years Beltane had been a festival, which triggered me into old wounds of loneliness and betrayal. All energies masculine were seen as negative, abusive and disloyal. I usually spend the day sick in bed and wanting to hide. This year is not that different, as I am not willing to connect to the masculine as, perhaps, expected by the festival.

Well, it sort of crept up on me this year and even though again I am not feeling great within my body, which serves as a reminder of that old pattern, I am also feeling shifts in feminine energies. I spent the last part of 2016 and the beginning of this working on healing the masculine within. It has been a hard road and difficult wounding to transform and I am not there yet, but I know I am on the right track. I feel I have been gently led into Beltane this year. My Maiden feels confident right now and knows exactly what she wants. I also wrote this post about redefining my Beltaine, or rather focusing on other aspects of the festival. I notice how I spell the word differently in my post too HERE 

This month’s insights go even deeper and questions come up in relation to feminine and masculine deities. I struggle to connect with a masculine energy still. It seems to have no voice, substance or even a face or form in my awareness. It is empty at the moment. I begin to think about relationships between Gods and Goddesses, what does that look like? Beltane is about sex, love, marriage and relating yet what I experience is a separation on some level and I really feel it.  I am still unable to see qualities of the Green Man other than his function to connect with the Maiden. I wonder if the Maiden even wants that connection? I suspect she does, but, perhaps, on her terms and more in balance rather than a forced assumed position of what her purpose must be and what expectation of the season is. She’s got to have consent. I wonder what would be should she choose not to marry and get pregnant… what would happen if she rebelled? I suspect it is again about finding a balance, a compromise and not involve extreme ways of going about things.

I suspect this won’t be the last post exploring masculine and feminine and I intend continuing my research and experiences in this area.

 

Advertisements

Death and rebirth in dreams

death and rebirth in dreams

Dreams are lately filled with things dying, bodies falling apart and fresh blood. There are recognisable themes of death and rebirth and the need to step into the new, which is a signature of this year. This is time to be reborn into a new identity, into the ‘now’ identity. Blood in dreams signifies new life, new beginnings. It is life-giving and our base line and indication we are living and breathing. It has a lovely vibration for me in my dreams and I welcome ‘bleeding’ dreams. I also got to know well that scenes of death, bodies, funerals and all things associated with the ultimate end are ways of showing me that parts of myself, as they are, need to ‘die’, renew, rebirth. In alchemy this process is called Motificatio

Following death dreams there is always an appearance of things transforming and for me it is always associated with love and alchemical marriage of the feminine and masculine. These are my absolute favourite dreams, because of how they feel. Incredible unconditional love surges through my body and all senses as I sleep in deep enjoyment of that experience. Those dreams are often difficult to explain or even express what they felt like as they are beyond words beautiful, other worldly. They are truly an embodied experience of love so huge, which we are part of.

After that stage of there is the birth of the new identity where I make choices in what to wear, what to put in my bag, which route to take and saying no to things that don’t feel right to me. These dreams lately are changing into presenting parts of myself as more assertive, confident and knowing. There is more fire and intuitive associated with them and it feels reassuring and deeply grounding on waking.

We all go through mini-cycles like this again and again, as we constantly renew depending on where we are in life and what is calling to be manifesting. For new to come in something needs to go. Through tracking dreams it can put us in touch with our inner processes on a deep level and images presented to us in dreams can become navigational tools we can engage with on our journeys through cycles.

 

Grounding into ‘Mother’ archetype

mother archetype

Standing in the kitchen I feel a shift within. It is an energetic and a physical sensation of something growing and spreading inside of me and then ‘click’ it fitted in, it flowed into my cells, my bones, my skin and it begins to glow. Mother. I become aware of having just embodied a ‘mother’, my own mother, archetypal mother, energetic signature of what it feels like to be a mother. It is incredibly warm, supportive, reassuring and loving. It  feels like heaven, safe, and I become aware of smells and textures of my own physical mother. She is inside of me, in my bones, in my fluids and I can see her on outside through my hands. We have identical hands and every time I look at my hands I see my mother. Never before I experienced such a physical awareness and energetic embodiment of the mother archetype. I took a deep breath and smiled grateful for the experience.

I spoke about this a day later as I felt my face lighting up with some knowing, something that finally made sense to me, as if a small river joined a sea, things fitted into place. I felt it, I aligned with it, I knew it. What it meant to be a mother and the value of that role suddenly made sense to me after ten long years of struggle, deeply emotional, mental, physical and spiritual struggle of embracing a mother’s experience. In that moment in the kitchen I landed into the knowledge, understanding and most of all grasping the profound value of the role I played as a mother within my family and in my son’s life. It gave my senses a certain quality, real, palpable, something that had always been there, but blocked. I felt released from a grip of so many emotions. Like a bird finally was allowed to fly out of a cage and into fresh spring air.

There is now a promise of inner peace and flowing with the meaningful purpose without constant struggle, splits and questioning. Such exciting times! It feels like a gift from the universe to be able to experience this energy in its purest, truest form with no distortions or bits missing. The timing is also divine during spring, in March, the month of all things ‘mother’ and feminine energy.

International Women’s day 2017

IMG_0189

Today feels like a Sabbat to me, a day full of significance and reverence. It feels sacred in some way with the energy of peaceful flow about it. The first phone call I receive this morning was from my father, as always. He was full of kind, warm congratulations and humour and I felt his genuine connection to the day and to me. There was also a sense of tradition and knowing about the ritual of the phone call and acknowledging the day by giving and receiving. I became curious about this new energy of significance and sacredness that is very present for me today, which feels in addition to the known and traditional like the phone call. Its presentation intrigues me and I decide to embrace it. Insights follow one by one in quick succession and I feel my chest spreading wide and open in deep breath and my heart vibrates with light and power.

I realise what this day means to me today, this year, at this point in my life and I reflect on what it used to be and how today is different. There are several layers to what is happening:

  • recently coming into an archetype of a mother and truly grounding in it
  • ancestral motives and influences
  • Druid practice of honouring ancestors
  • the energy of a new way of being this year and redefining my purpose and creating new pathways into my daily life
  • masculine within and my relationship to it

The 8th of March is my mother’s favourite day of the year. That was always clear and she adores this day she calls a celebration of spring. My mother loves flowers and she is full of love. She is often referred by me as the ‘perfect’ manifestation of what it means to be a woman. It is being confirmed to me more and more as years go by and as I, myself, get older. She always aligned with this holiday naturally and there was a certain glow about her on this day that I can only relate to as love and light, surrender, soft flow.

In Russia where I come from today is a celebration of all things feminine and all things woman. It is a national holiday and a celebration of the beginning of spring, it is about blooming of the feminine and honouring the power of the female energy. Men are very much involved in this celebration by taking on a role of a ‘worshipper’ of all things feminine. There is a romantic feeling to the day. Energies acknowledged and bowed to are a baby girl, child, sibling, grandchild, sister, young woman, niece, female cousin, mother, girlfriend, grandmother, aunt, best friend – no female ‘role’ is left out. This suddenly feels hugely significant to me and I begin to appreciate the deeper meaning of this day’s presentation and celebration. The whole of female deity is celebrated with men honouring a woman in all shapes and sizes, in all manifestations. They give presents, cards and flowers. I remember being in school and the class would be divided in boys and girls and the boys would present the girls with gifts and poems and when in high school there will be romantic associations with who gives who flowers, often done in secret even. Men are very much involved and take on a role of a romantic heroes almost in service to the feminine. This day is important to me in terms of what that meant in the past and how it is still celebrated in the land of my birth and how I can be part of it now and going forward on an even deeper level. This is what I am feeling today, a deeper meaning for me.

This year, 2017, is all about redefining the old, things we attached to and got used to for a long time not working out anymore. There is this need to renew, grow in ways unfamiliar and novel, explore paths we had never taken before. It is exciting and experiences feel truly new and fresh. It is such a different energy, which is present this year, which makes the journey very enjoyable and curiosity is always in operation. At the beginning of the year I decided in line with these energies to look at my spiritual practice with new eyes. I decided to flip things on its head and do something different, e.g. I decided to explore the Sun energy and redefine my relation with the summer (see POST here). I also consciously aim to experience my spring differently this year and really not succumb to ways of the old, which I am aware of. It is not about ignoring, it is creating something new alongside acknowledging the old. My intention of looking anew at my celebrations and rituals includes looking at each Sabbat individually and let it flow through me. So far, Imbolc this year was, indeed, different and it aligned for me with the New Moon and quick manifestation of my intention. It put me in touch with my inner power, my intuition and reconfirmed the support that is available to me through Brigit, who is always present for me at that time (see POST here). It also highlighted qualities of my younger self, my maiden energy.

Today, I am finding out, is another new thing that is coming into my practice through how I feel. My definition and confirmation of the 8th March and its meaning and also ways of integrating this day into my practice. It feels important and significant for me at this time. I am looking at honouring the Goddess in its four manifestations (see POST here). It is the day when I am feeling all four very present, united and holding love for the whole of feminine power. It is the day when they are not separate or playing out their roles in individual presentation, they are truly together today and this feels wonderful. I experience a child, a maiden, a mother and crone all together in one day, which points me towards celebration of all those within me and outside of me. In terms of ancestors and linking it with my new Druid practice of honouring, this is a great opportunity to remember my sister, my grandmother, my best friend and all females, who had huge influence on my life throughout the years and had passed. It is a chance to bow to their deep presence within me and remember. This is new for me this year. This feels big.

Today feels like another celebration to add to the wheel of my year and I believe it is here to stay. I go to my altar and I create a space to feel love for all that is female, for all that is power of love and creation, for the Goddess within.

Triple Goddess

 

Silver birch spoke

pimo0001_med_fauld

The birch spoke gently of the red hot twisted wire, which is present. What it refers to is stress. It looks and feels like a buzzing red hot energy unable to escape, so it continues to bump against sides of the wire and sparks build up till potentially exploding. Feelings of frustration, anger, strong projections and dissatisfaction occur within a being. Stress is a cause of many ailments in the body and distortions within the energy field of an individual. It creates an atmosphere where an aspect of one’s being is out of balance with the rest or one persona goes into a state of disharmony and unable to communicate with all the other sub-parts of the whole. It feels trapped, unable to resolve itself and so it builds up in its intensity manifesting all things, which cause an emotional and physical break down.

The birch’s heart feels soft covered with a smooth layer of its silvery bark. It feels warm and even beating. Gentleness of its energy instantly soothes and reassures. There is no discord in its beat, it is even and grounding. I hold my hand to it and stand in silence listening and trying to reach parts of myself, which had been quiet for some time. I aim to reach some peaceful vibration in what feels like a chaotic environment within. The birch says for me to bow, hold my head down, but not in defeat or shame, but rather surrender and humble acknowledgement of troubles present. It suggests I quieten my mind and voice. Less words and more listening. In order to hear I must slow down, I must breathe, cry, if need be, but hold my head down in reflection. It feels exactly what is needed and yet again I can’t help but stand in stillness and awe of the nature’s knowing. Its instinctive flow with life teaches how to be in any given notice. Messages given are instant and unquestionable and always right. I never came away from a tree feeling the same as I did when I arrived.

The birch is the feminine flow of a tree to me. It is all three faces of the sacred – the Maiden, The mother and the Crone. See my post on The Queen of the forest. I relate to this particular tree in all seasons and in all shapes and energy manifestation. Silver birch is not just grounding, it is of the Water element and listening to its soft heart’s beating I become a river, free flowing and surrendered to whatever current. I become fluid and forgiving, relaxed and flexible as the flow and beating of the tree’s heart gently points me towards my own centre, my own heart’s beating. I bow in gratitude and with the last stroke on its bark I walk away in my renewed wisdom.

Other posts on Trees (The heartbeat of an Oak)

Painting source 

Altar work and Water element ritual

I tapped into my intuition this morning, which produced a gift of awareness of what was needed for me today and over the last few weeks. I have become aware of the need to acknowledge Water element in me. I realised I have been trying to get going engaging my Fire, yet this year my alignment with the season is different and it feels more Water than Fire for the first time in years.

Intuitive ritual set-up:

  • I was drawn to two ‘vessels’, which I reached out for, filled them up with water and placed them both on my altar.
  • I switched my red candles for blue ones
  • I put a feminine/Water element essential oil of Ylang Ylang in my oil burner and also in both cups
  • I put my favourite blue crystal as well as sacred stone back on my altar.

I can say the feeling within me and in the room instantly changed. It felt more flowing, but also grounded. This is why I really love my altar, it is such an evolving, shifting space, which offers an opportunity to tap into what is needed and represent it visually and physically, which then directly affects everything around. It is creative and intuitive and incredibly supportive and holding. Altar work is an integral part of my spiritual practice and I find the work powerful. My altar is a living being travelling through seasons and actions and emotions they evoke in me. Through reflecting my feeling and mental states back to me it serves as a therapist or a mother, whose messages like a mirror reflected back get internalised by my being and shifts occur. I get to see myself through my altar. 

My intuition didn’t stop there and as soon as I acknowledged my struggle with this month (POST HERE), insights began to flow. I am now called to travel to my Nemeton towards a stream running through it and make an offering to the Goddess, to Water element. I am yet to find out what offering I am going to make, but being told to leave it till I am in the woods. It will come then.

Goddess Retrieval – perfect time to reconnect to the Divine feminine within

Goddess retrieval cover new

~~ Hello magical beings, are you ready to reconnect to the Goddess within you? ~~ 

I follow the Wheel of the Year in my nature-based spiritual practice and it is such a joyous and beautiful way of tuning into specific special energies around us at specific times. One of the Goddesses associated with this time of year is the Greek Goddess Persephone. Her story is one of the oldest of Greek myths, which honours and portraits cycles of life and death, old and new, darkness and light. Every spring she comes back from the Underworld to bless the Earth with flowers, new life, new beginnings and growth. Spring comes again. This e-guide puts you in touch with The Maiden Goddess and all the qualities that she embodies and also talks about the triple aspect of the Goddess.

This popular e-guide takes the format of daily exercises/techniques/inspirational information for several days and available to download on purchase.

  • Daily exercises, intentions, techniques and inspirational information

  • Connecting to the ancient wisdom and using it in modern settings of our lives

  • Honouring your feelings

  • Learning about the Goddess and her qualities

  • Goddess Guidance Tarot attunement

  • Moon Cycles

  • Visualisations, meditations, magic workings and much more

And much more

$35.00

Buy Now Button with Credit Cards