I love it so much it hurts. The land welcomes me this time with open arms and I feel nothing but warmth and nurture. I feel at home and I instantly recognise that familiar smell of the land, which I know well. It is raining and I am in my element of gentle water standing on a lake shore watching gentle giants mountains hugging the shore. I touch the water, it is clear and crispy cold and through my body pure joy spreads. It is a dance of recognition, which I feel a lot stronger this time round. While my husband looks nostalgic for hot weather and home, I am home. I tell him that most of my happiest memories took place either in rain or snow and I acknowledge that link and it makes sense.
Isle of Mull – lush and green with landscape showing off its mountains, valleys, lochs, forests and sea. It is such a mixture of the elements that makes it so rich. It is incredibly peaceful here like nowhere else I had felt in Scotland so far; well, perhaps, only the first time in Perthshire where my love for the land first stuck me. We are staying in the middle of nowhere and it feels so safe to me here. It feels like no one and nothing would find me here and if I was to stay I would be happy for the rest of my days. My heart begins to ache along with joy I cry inside for wanting to merge with the land forever. It hurts in my chest and with each breath I can’t seem to get enough. That feeling of safety is a new one, as previously while in Scotland I have always felt conflicted and often anxious, even scared. Not this time. Here I have come into myself somehow and the land here is so gentle in comparison with Northern Highlands or the Isle of Skye, e.g. Those places activated my shadow material and threw me into an emotional turmoil amidst some deeply spiritual experiences. The land there is fierce, wild, unforgiving and untouchable in its stunning beauty. It is majestic and independent. Here I am held, firmly and I can hear the land speaking to me. It is gentle and soothing. Vibration is of softness and it touches on places within me much lighter and happier. This reflects in our relational dynamics between the boys and me. Our trip was very different this time round like we all tapped into a gentler way of being with one another, there is less conflict and more recognition and acknowledgment of needs all around.
Standing in the garden I witness deer coming in closer grazing on lush green vegetation surrounding the house. It is a beautiful sight and they stop and stare at me in silent pause. God it is so peaceful here! Even deer is different here compared to imposing huge stags of the Highlands. These deer are gentler and smaller and devoid of antler crowns. My response to them is also strikingly different, less of knee shaking awe and worship-like way of witnessing them, it is quieter, softer and more ‘homely’ somewhat. As I lie in bed looking out of the window with views to die for I feel my heart beating with such love. It is intense and aching, as I already know how hard it will be leaving this land in a few days.
It is the time of my soul’s bleeding with deep connection to the land, which is calling again and again. It is such a powerful pull that it feels painful and pleasurable at the same time. It is a deep yearning within me that calls me to walk the land’s high hills and smell the soil of the old, moist, fresh wind-swept landscape my soul craves. My heart begins to ache in the feeling of missing my other home, the place that doesn’t let go off me when I am not around. It calls, it sings to me and my bones feel its essence. I miss it so much. I want to see stags gallantly walking the forests and hills and standing still staring, undecided whether to run or continue with their curiosity. They are such beautiful creatures, strong yet vulnerable. I yearn to see them in the land’s autumn dress with trees and grass changing colour and air slowly turning cool with a promise of winter. I wish I could stand at the top of a mountain screaming with delight for I am there, I am alive and the land around me embraces me in its vastness.
Every year it seems I bear the separation with hardly breathing and unable to hold my excitement when I am finally released into the land of my soul. I cry, I ache and spend long hours imagining, smelling, walking the hills and forests in my dreams. At times it is unbearable and I cry uncontrollably and I feel like putting on my boots and running towards the land however far. It feels impulsive with no reason existing in that moment of deep wanting to merge with the landscape, immerse my face into a cold water of a Loch and drink the fresh air of pine forest. The wind, oh how I wish to be swept with it and my face blasted with its force waking me up to my core, shaking all the cobwebs out of my being.
Another year, another period of waiting with a heart that aches and loves oh so deep…
June – the month of spiritual opening
I have been consciously observing my relationship with each season and Sabbatt over the last two years, as part of me growing deeper into my spirituality. Following each month with awareness of energies, shifts, difficulties, preferences I have come to many extremely useful insights and revelations, which subsequently had an impact on my life in all areas. One of the main insights was that there are certain patterns I go through as the Wheel turns through the year.
Some of you might already know, e.g. the month of May and the festival of Beltain is a difficult time for me due to some trauma that had occurred in my past. May is closely linked to the realm of ‘relationships’ for me. This year was no different; however, as I noticed recurring themes coming in each year I also set my intention to make a conscious shift in NOT repeating certain things going forward. I received upgrades and demands of necessary clearing out of my consciousness and invitation to grow into a new way of being in relation to repeated themes. Very much like a recurring dream until a dreamer gets the message, so to speak, patterns will continue to occur with messages becoming louder and louder. Will see what happens next year in relation to that, as I make what had been unconscious conscious and heal through my material. Very excited, needless to say, to be doing this work and being on this path. It is endlessly inspiring to me to be living the life in alignment with natural cycles and nature’s wisdom.
We are now in June, post-Summer Solstice, and what I have come to realise there is another pattern, which occurs for me during this month, specifically around and post Summer Solstice. This Sabbatt is another period of transition when the Kings are changed and we are beginning our descend towards shorter days and longer nights. This year, by the way, insights have been coming in so profoundly quick, like hitting me over the head with information and ways to move forward. Terribly exciting. This one was no different. The way I came to realise something was going on was the way I was asked to ‘go to sleep’, as if to say ‘there are messages in your dreams you need to know NOW’. A couple of times and, this happened during the day, I was ‘knocked down’ literally and the only way was to my bed to sleep immediately. I found it impossible to stay awake or do anything and, of course, those dreams are proving to be extremely potent with information. During the night dreaming has also become noticably intense. A lot of death occurs for me in dreams at this time, but this is another post all together. Looking back I began to reflect and make links with the month of June and how often at this time a dream journey for the year, the biggest one, would usually begin for me. This is a series of dreams, which hold a story for my growth and development, a story I must write down and follow and go through until it is complete. This year looks no different. I looked at when my spiritual awakening happened, during the month of June around the 20th June, three years ago, and I looked at what followed, which became clear to me June is the beginning of a yearly spiritual journey for me, which would manifest in dream work, travelling to my soul land (The Highlands, Scotland), confronting some difficulties towards the end of summer and coming out the other end a new person at the beginning of Autumn. So, here I am again feeling a particular way about this forthcoming journey I am about to go on. I am excited, nervous and looking forward to it. It usually begins at this time and continues till the end of summer. Watch the space. I will be posting updates on what comes in and happens in hope someone can relate to this process and get inspired by my journey through the seasons and months of the year.
When does a soul find its Earthly peace? Powerful… Words from a song went deep through my skin earlier today. One has got to have something in their life that touches them, something beyond personal, something that feels and look like home, a feeling of pure and sacred. From that precious thing a life meaning is born.
What is that something that touches you in your life?
Without anything that touches our tender heart is our experience full? What are we here for? What is life without a spirit, purpose or meaning? In the absence of the precious thing we walk on the Earth blind, dead, strangers to all things spirit. We are born with that feeling intact in us and very few remain in touch in that. It either gets snatched away, hidden, banished or lost.
Spirit, however, continues to exist, live and breathe all around us, if not within. It continues to love unconditionally. It seeks that reunion again and again, it knocks on our door, stops you in your tracks, sends signs and blessings, sometimes dresses as sorrow to catch our attention. Do we notice? To notice one must stop yourself, anchor heavy into feelings and until we cry all the tears and open up all the wounds and dig around in them we do not allow ourselves to move. There’s no escape from spirit. We can’t live without a soul. It’s ever present, but whether it remains crying or it is allowed to rejoice that is a choice to make. How do we get back in touch with spirit. Ask yourself what touches you? What gives your eyes a sight that takes your breath away.
Psychological healing is a big step towards aligning with spirit within us, it’s a big clear out job, as one of my clients once said – ‘like clearing after a hurricane’ and clear we must because only once all the debris is gone we can see, feel, experience the spirit in its most glory. We experience it in us. Until then it’s like a homeless being that seeks and points and cries and shouts to get our attention, but closed hearts do not hear, see or feel and we walk on by leaving no trail of an empty life.
What is that thing that touches you…
My heart can not hold itself in my chest when it tumbles with such ache and yearning for the wild place my soul calls home.
I can’t breathe, I can’t see clearly, the spirit wants to rip my chest open with a scream of joy and deep deep missing for the place.
Rugged, wild, untouched, unspoilt, pure, magical and stunningly beautiful like nowhere on Earth. There are not enough adjectives to describe what my soul is experiencing when I think of my wild place. I dream of it, I crave it, I cry hard every time I think of it. Tears are of the distance, separation and also joy of knowing it, feeling it deeply in every cell of my physical body as well as being the main accord of every emotion within my emotional body. I hope and wait for a reunion every year.
It is a place I want to live and die in. I want to climb the rocks, wonder through moors, luxuriate in the greenest grassy beds aromatic with heather and buttercups and swim in the land’s lochs pure, deep, cooling and renewing to my cells.
I dream the dream in the hope that one day my soul will reunite with the land it calls home.
Do not be fooled by the beauty and majesty of the land, as it hides its scars well and keeps its secrets deep under her Earthy blankets. The land doesn’t wait, protect or care for anyone or anything in a sense it just IS. You either blend with it and submit in many ways and embrace its ways or you leave. It doesn’t care for keeping you or entertain you, it has no interest in what you think and feel it is just there. It sounds rejecting, right, well, it is not. It is everlasting and just there and if one wants to merge with it the land is fine with that too as long as there is respect and deep understanding of its wounds, joys, past. Yes, the land more than anything carries past within her streams, trees, mossy hills and eternal rocks. There is nothing on Earth that I have ever come across that speaks of the past and ancestral doings more than the land we stand on, walk on. It knows it all, it seen a lot hence its wisdom is unquestionable. It is fierce and it is gentle, it has it all. It is not all beauty and majesty, it is bloody murders and deaths, it is tears of sorrow and it is gentleness of a sunrise through the trees in the forest. Its majesty lies in its knowing, diversity, multidimensional way of being and embracing it all. It loves and it fights, it gives birth and it kills, it nourishes and it starves and the cycle goes on and on and is never ending. One that will never end, it will continue to go on long after we are gone. That’s the majesty, the way of being that just IS.
Deep understanding of nature can bring peace and turmoil into our souls, as processed are parallel within nature and our psyche and if we tune into its rhythms we risk deeper understanding of ourselves. It mirrors life perfectly to us, all we have to do is see and feel deeply. Nature is the perfect gift to humanity and we don’t know it, but we are threatened by it through destroying it, through turning away from natural ways, through mocking and rejecting the ways of the old. We are scared, that’s what it is, that is all that it is – fear of that power that lied deep in the woods and amongst the rocks and up in the sky. We cannot surrender, we resist and we project and we reject and curse the power that we know we want to get to know, but fear stops us. Nature does favour the brave though, I would say, it shows more to those who are willing to merge with it and enter the forest with an open heart full of love and ready to learn and explore. It favours creative types, curious types unafraid of getting it wrong and stumbling over logs and cutting themselves on bramble and falling off a rock and getting wet on the greenness of the moss. It lifts you up it pushes you down, but as long as you get up and continue on a journey it helps you along yes with more tests, yes, with more challenges, but it also applauds you in recognition of your bravery and willingness to know nature, know yourself…
It can lead you to your home, to your spirit source if you keep eyes, ears and heart open whenever you go listen to the calls of the land, feel the pulls of your heart. What are you drawn to? Rivers, mountains, forests, the sea. Where is it that you feel the most unbearable ache that wouldn’t go away when you are away from the land. What is the place that enters your mind every day and you burst into tears instantly. Where is it you feel the joy of immense light when you are as one with the land. That’s your ‘soul home’. You just know it and the land knows it too as your evolution is a progression towards worship and protection of the land. It becomes a sacred relationship. The land can’t not appreciate it, it does, although it does not attach itself to you as much as you attach yourself to it. It continues to be with allowing for you to be with it. You become living in service to that land, you walk with pride over its hills and fall in love with its winds and summer sunsets. You become as one and all that your heart wants is to be forever there, to be always with it, as one living and breathing and following the cycles of the land forever and ever till the spirit shines so bright and is so near your soul returns to it in peace and beauty.
“This is the place. I was certain. For the heart knows its home when it finds it, and on finding it, stays there.” Corrag, Susan Fletcher